The pain shot right through my entire body and I screamed to myself "Oh no - not again!"  I tried to sit there.  I tried to get past it.  I made it 2 minutes before I started to feel the panic rise (I really have the worst luck with this lately, don't I?) I kept looking down at my hand after I would touch my lip and kept seeing blood.  I tried to wipe it away with my napkin but it kept bleeding.

I told my friend sitting next to me what happened and I could see her calmly keeping an eye on me.  Eventually I told her I needed to leave the room.  I got out and sat on the floor in the hallway and she stood there with me.  Eventually I got up and went into a nearby empty office of a co-worker and sat on the floor there until I felt better.  Then I graduated to sitting in a chair.  Then I decided that I was feeling better enough to re-join the group.  So we headed back in.

I felt okay and was actually able to eat the rest of my lunch and have a few good laughs with my co-workers.  Thank got it passed.  I was not in the mood to go through the horror of a fainting episode again.

If any other bad thing like this happens I may stop leaving the house.  Oh don't worry...I don't mean that.

Other than that debacle I went back to the doctor today for my 3 week update.  She up'ed my Lexapro dosage to 20mg.  I was all for it.  I figure the more milligrams the better.  I take that pill every day with joy.  I take it out of the bottle, look at it and pop it down my throat like it will solve the worlds problems (or at least hopefully mine!)

I'm patient boys and girls.  I am.  I just hope I can be one of the many, many people (including my own family member) who can say that this medicine changed my life.  I NEED A CHANGED LIFE!

I haven't talked about my guy situation and at this point, I don't think I really want to.  It's something I'm trying to deal with internally and haven't felt the need to write it all up here lately.  If I need to I will...but for now it's hard enough thinking of it in my own head let alone write it out here....

On another note my divorce is closer to being final.  The settlement was drawn up and anyday now I will get a copy to sign and then the next step is the court date.  Once I have that it will be official.  I will be a SINGLE and take back my maiden name.  I will be officially starting over. Woop de do. Yip - e.  Throw a party.  :(

The dorm where I stayed is but walking distance from the school maybe two or three streets away. Eve since, I don't take public rides at night because I am scared so I walk. But last night's version of my walk was very hard! Basically, I could not see anything! I was worried to get hit by a truck, get hit by a person, or get hit by a dog. Aside from that, I was scared of hitting a parked vehicle!

I cursed my cellphone because of its feeble light. When I reached the street to where I stay, it was funny because I could not tell where I am, if I am already passing the dom or what because of the darkness! But I eventually found it but was again disgusted when my landlady was not there and the house was as dark as a moonless night! I saw her nephew waiting outside the dorm. I asked why and he told me when the lights went out he was scared so he got out and waited for company. I did not know if I was about to laugh or pity him when he told me he crawled on the floor as he was getting out because he was scared of a ghost in the dorm and scared of hitting the furnitures. I could tell he was very happy to see me.

When we got inside, the next task was to find candles to give us some light. We did not know where the candles were kept! So we searched and searched and the nephew finally found little thin candles on a box. When we were able to light them, we both laughed when we saw to big candles on a candle holder by the dining table. So much for our survival instincts.

Whew! What a night! Fortunately, maybe twenty or thirty minutes after, the lights came back. And you know what? I am very happy about that indeed!

(US Navy photo)

by Tim King Salem-News.com American troops are asked to fight and die for the freedom of other nations while the government strips them of their own. MySpace is one of the sites soldiers are unable to access. (FORT BENNING, Georgia) - We reported on May 16th 2007 that the U.S. government appeared to be on the verge of relaxing its complete blackout of MySpace and YouTube on all U.S. military computers. (see: DoD Will Listen to Internet Companies at Roundtable Discussion Thursday) I can tell you over one year later that it apparently never happened.

YouTube, MySpace, Black Out, Websites, U.S., Military, Iraq, Afghanistan, DoD, bandwidth, Camp Phoenix, Bush administration

Face plants have been around since evolution has allowed creatures to develop faces.  It's a wide spread problem that surpasses age, workplace, culture and even species.  There are numerous ways in which one can be a victim of face plants.  It can occur from foolish action on a night out on the town, a sports event, or even from some forces of an unforeseen nature.  In any case, here is my recent encounter with this quiet epidemic.

It was at 2 o'clock in the morning and I had to go for a midnight tinkle.  My throat is warm.  As I remove the covers and start to walk, I feel this intense urge to vomit.  It's strong and I don't know if I can hold it.  As I'm fighting to suppress this feeling, the room starts swaying.  My eyes clench and my heart thumps and...

It's dark.  I feel something on my right hand.  What is it?  Hmm...it feels soft and textured.  I think it's my carpet.  Why does my face feel like it's burning?  It resembles some Chinese burning medicine on my forehead.  Huh.  That's odd.

My eyes slowly opens and my mind has suddenly made sense of things.  I've passed out.  At least I had a good nap.  My face still feels like it's burning.  It's probably from the impact my face encountered from the floor.  I'll check the damage.

Jag har aldrig fått en black-out på scenen förr. Nu var det dags. Det är klart att jag var mer nervös än vanligt. Jag har alltid klarat mig med hjälp av språket. Nu var jag degraderad till en 12-årings nivå verbalt sett (tja inte riktigt, men så kan det kännas).

Salongen var nästan full. Vi var sammanlagt 14 berättare (varav 2 var våra lärare Antonio Rocha och Milbre Burch). Ett nummer per person, max 10 minuter var. Två akter med paus emellan, jag var nr tre i andra akten. Jag var väl förberedd med 2 alternativ, jag tog det "snällare" eftersom barnen i publiken inte gick hem i pausen.

Vad som hände var att jag redan vid första meningen blev så medveten om klangen av mitt svenska uttal. Så blev jag torr i munnen vilket gjorde engelskan ännu svårare. Jag minns inte att detta inträffat sedan den allra första början av mina trevande berättarförsök för 25 år sedan. Och därefter blandade jag ihop två sekvenser och satte dem i fel ordning. Publiken märkte det på att det blev en extra lång paus och att jag strök med handen över håret. Men de väntade tålmodigt.

Jag backade i historien och tog om det från stället jag bommade. Det gick bättre och jag fångade upp historien igen ända till slutet.

Jag föll av hästen men tror att folk uppskattade hästens framfart även förutan ryttare, och att de uppfattade kvalitén i historien (som har ett överraskande slut). Men jag var förtvivlad efteråt, för i mitt eget sinne gav jag bara  cirka hälften av vad jag är van vid, och det var den jämförelsen som grämde mig.

Det gjorde att jag inte kunde tillgodogöra mig de följande två berättelserna, vilket faktiskt är riktigt dumt. En förställning består av helheten och man får inte falla ur på det där viset i privata emotioner. Men det gjorde jag.

Jag kom för att lära mig något nytt. Och det gjorde jag ju!

I stället för de vanliga kommentarer jag brukar få, att mina berättelser är överraskande, smarta, intelligenta, så fick jag kommentarer som jag inte hört så ofta förr: att jag framträder med "grace" och "dignity" och att jag utsrålar historien med kroppen. Det var roligt att höra!

Så svedan i mitt ego lade sig, som sådana skador ju alltid brukar göra.  Jag är beredd att sitta upp på hästen igen. Ja faktiskt är jag redan i full galopp på väg mot nästa äventyr. Mer om detta sen.

Our former Democratic presidential nominee, Sen. John Kerry is also a real partier. Or so these pictures, dug up by TMZ, would suggest. But here's the thing--I don't believe what the pictures suggest.

Because let's face it, if you're black out drunk and you run into anyone, and I mean ANYONE you know, you're going to make them take pictures with you. And they, by default, will appear plastered as well. If you don't believe me, please refer to Mallory's cry face photos. I don't know how to put this delicately, but John Kerry also has a permanent case of the drunk eyes. It's not his fault. So basically, I believe the statement from his office:

"As Sen. Kerry and two friends left dinner at the Straight Warf restaurant on Nantucket and walked down the dock, a large group on a boat recognized Senator Kerry and asked if they could have a photo taken. The group came off the boat and onto the dock, took a photo with Sen. Kerry and his friends, and then Sen. Kerry and his two friends immediately walked away. End of story."

These biddies, according to TMZ, are sophomores and juniors in college. But they're also constituents! And, it has been reported, one of them was drinking out of a (gasp!) penis straw. Sophomores and juniors, you say? Yeah, that sounds about right.

So here are some of the pictures. What do you think?

The girl in the green dress has made a spectacular collegiate showing in these photos. I'd personally like to extend my congratulations and sheer appreciation that she wisely chose to wear underwear that night. I'd also like to send my condolences to you, dear girl, because now everybody that goes on the internet knows you're a sloppy drunk/the annoying girl that makes dumb faces in EVERY FREAKING PHOTO. (You all know the kind of girl I'm talking about.)

So despite thinking the photos aren't that big of a deal, please, make all the jokes you want, because John Kerry looks like real Democratic, um, donkey. (Read: he looks like a huge ass.) These pict-chas are hysterical. If this was me and my girrrrrrls, helllllz yeah, I wouldn't just Facebook 'em, I'd tag 'em too! Which means I'm serious.

And here is my final thought. Even if he is partying with a bunch of college sluts like a huge douche, whatever. At least he's partying. Because we all know the Republican party is neither a republic, nor a party. Discuss amongst yourselves.

[Posted by Kathleen]

After three blackouts and about half an hour of continuous thunder I realised that I probably wouldn't be in a storm like this again so I thought it would be a good idea to try and get some on video.

Yep, clever, clever me... like some lunatic local news cameraman desperate for a big break. I almost wound up struck by lightning. Very, very close.

1. Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections office "has become a black hole" because paperwork routinely gets lost there.

2. That caused Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, to shout "Excuse me!" before correcting his pigment-deficient colleague, saying the office has become a "white hole." 

3. And that caused Judge Thomas Jones, also black, to demand an apology from whitey Mayfield for his racially insensitive comment.

Seriously people -- this again?!?
I feel a crying jag coming on.

I'll grant you, so far the 2008 Verbal Retardation Award has to go to the Brits who wanted to ban 'brainstorming' in favor of 'thought showering'  -- but these Dallas County Commissioners have definitely earned themselves a most dishonorable mention in the '20 Kinds of Asshatednessly Overboard Responses' subcategory.

What other perfectly legit words and phrases will we next be asked to quit?
Hmmmmmmm .....

God help the environmentalists once the aliens go PC ...

Alcohol. A student's favorite friend and worst enemy. In 2005, the last year of collected data, 157 college students died from alcohol poisoning. The reason I am writing this is because I think this is an issue that many students need to be aware of. Most college students are still not mature enough, physically or mentally, to handle the amount alcohol they choose to consume. Yet, binge drinking in the form of drinking games or keg stands or whatever is probably the most popular past time of college, and even high school, students.

This past fall semester, Jenna Foellmi, a 20 year old student at Winona University, went to a house party to celebrate being finished with finals. She drank some beers, she drank some vodka, she played some beer pong - and then never woke up. She died of alcohol poisoning. It's not like she was left alone by negligent friends, either, her friends say she was fine, just drunk, when she fell asleep.

A lot of people, not just kids, think drinking makes you more popular, more fun to be around. People go out with this goal to get "bombed" or "smashed" and to out drink one another. It's really just a dumb, recurring goal. Statistics show that on average, college kids drink until their blood alcohol level is around 0.40 percent - that is 5 times the legal limit. I never understood this mentality. Why would you ever want to drink until you black out? Until you can't walk by yourself, or see your own hands? People who black out due to illnesses or health conditions will tell you that blacking out is not "fun" or "cool" at all. Neither is puking your brains out at 2AM. Here is a video with instructions on how to set up a drinking game, called Kings, which encourages players to get the others playing as drunk as possible.

"College students on average drink only a little more than adults in a typical week or month," said Scott Walters, an assistant professor of behavioral sciences at the University of Texas School of Public Health. But college students "tend to save the drinks up and drink them all at once." This is 110% true. This occurs for several reasons. One, students can't physically handle homework, studying, drinking, and waking up at 8AM all at once; Two, most of the kids in college are under 21, so they have to wait until the weekend to find someone older or with an I.D. to illegally get them alcohol. Students don't even wait until the weekend anymore, though, the partying starts on Wednesdays and lasts until Saturdays for many. And on a three-day weekend? - forget it, partying is almost a week long event.

What I find interesting is that students who are not enrolled in college are LESS likely to binge drink than those in school. I think this circles back to the whole waiting for the weekend ordeal, plus, kids who aren't in school are able to drink casually, similar to how adults and parents drink, throughout a school or work week. I think it may be beneficial for the states enforce a policy like this - many young kids in Italy, France, Germany, and more are exposed to mild alcoholic beverages on holidays or family dinners in small amounts at a young age. This downplays the appeal of rebelling and drinking underage. It's not really a "treat" for them, but more of just a regular past time; like having hot coco when it snows outside. With Thanksgiving dinner, they may drink a small glass of red wine, or have a flute of champagne. If you study abroad or talk to an exchange student, they will tell you that they do not binge drink like most Americans. Most 16 year olds over in Europe are more mature in their drinking habits, as they might have 2 cans of beer or a glass of wine and call it a night.

Something should be done, but it is hard to say what. Every school has a program that teaches about the dangers of drinking and drugs, and there's tons of national groups that try to get the message across to kids. But none of that really seems to actually get through to the majority of students. For instance, schools have the "Students Against Destructive Decisions" groups, but if you ask the students in these groups, approximately 3 out of 5 will say they party hard on the weekends with friends. So really what can be done? If we lower the drinking age, that might backfire and cause even younger kids to try start binge drinking, or it might increase the amount of binge drinking done by kids of drinking age. If we increase the drinking age, that won't really have any a significant positive effect on the amount of binge drinking that is done, either. It's not like we can control what people are doing at a given party or bar - it would be impossible to monitor each person's drinking habits, and anyway, that would be an invasion of privacy just asking for a lawsuit.

There may not be a clearcut, logical solution here. Although, I still stick by suggestion to mainstream alcohol into everyday life at a younger age. I'm not saying give your 4 year old a bottle of rum or your 10 year old a glass of vodka, but maybe showing kids at a young age that alcohol is not for over-indulging and getting drunk might help. Although, this could backfire, too, you just don't know. I guess, in the end, people are going to find a way to get smashed if they really want to. I will say, though, that when people do get very drunk, they don't appear "cool," they just look and act stupid.

And I'm not trying to say that students are to blame, or parents, or public service groups, or anyone specific. I'm also NOT trying to say "you should do this" or "you should not do this". Whatever you choose to do is your choice, and like I always say, as long as people aren't harming me, themselves, or others, than they should do what they think is alright. I've just seen and witnessed first hand a lot of alcohol related deaths and problems in my lifetime. It's more serious than some people think. What scares me, though, is that kids start drinking in the 6th and 7th grade now - that's age 12-13 years old. Even scarier, is older siblings and some parents condone, even encourage, this behavior. Tsk, tsk.

For college students and high schoolers everywhere, have fun and enjoy life. Do what you think is right and what brings you pleasure, because once you reach a certain age that same kind of fun you're having leaves and you'll never experience it again. I understand everyone wants to have fun and be cool and well liked, and I know that alcohol enhances all of those areas. But, when you are out there doing whatever it is you do, just remember:

When you handle yourself, use your head; when you handle others, use your heart.

Alcohol is the cause and the solution to many of life's problems.
- Dan Castellaneta

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.

-Ernest Hemingway

Drink moderately, for drunkenness neither keeps a secret, nor observes a promise.
- Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

And like I always tell my friends when they depart for a trip or celebration:

Have fun. Be Smart. Be Safe.

The whole day of the party I was worried about going. I called Mommabear at least 3 times throughout the course of the day and told her that my body wants to go and is FINE with going to the party but my brain is not. Or it's like I have angel of happy, good, fun times on one shoulder and the ANXIETY-PANIC-FORCE-YOU-TO-FAINT devil on the other shoulder. The devil overpowers the angel 9 out of 10 times.

Of course Mommabear exclaimed immediately that I better get to the counselor (which she has been saying for 10 years) but then she also said there is no reason not to go to the party and I better not stay home!

Well, I didn't stay home. I went. Strangely I didn't feel one ounce of panic or anxiety while I was driving, walking to the party from the car, or when I got to the party. There was only one second when I felt nervous for just one moment and that was when I crouched down for a second and my sprained ankle had a sharp pain run through it. I sat down right away and I was okay because the pain did not increase (luckily)....but imagine it did??

Well, let's not imagine what would happen if the pain increased...that's what I NEED TO DO. I need to stop pre-worrying about things. If they happen...they happen. I can't pre-control the situation and I can't make myself upset in advance.

I'm sure if I went to see a counselor that's what they would tell me and try to teach me how to deal with. My problem is that I really don't want to talk to someone. I want to just live my life NORMALLY without having to go to see someone every week, or 2 weeks, or month. I'm even willing to take medication but I do not want to sit and talk to someone. I told Mommabear this on Friday and she said I need to talk to them along with if they gave me medication. She said I have things I have to work out internally and that's what they would be there to help with.

Of course I am stubborn and I childishly said to her that I am willing to take medicine and I want it to cure me of my anxiety...yes folks, I want a little miracle pill. Don't they make those? They must!

I'm mad at myself today for staying up soooo late last night that I couldn't get up until 12:30. But you know me. I hate going to sleep at night. So I stay up and work on my blog, my hobby, and putz around the computer all night while listening to music. Then when I'm so tired that I'm falling asleep in my desk chair then I go up to bed and pass out immediately.

Late last night I left a voicemail for GI GUY on his cell but then this morning I got a message back from the cell provider saying the voicemail did not go through. I don't understand why unless it as to do with them not having cell service right now...who knows. But the point is that I left a message for him. I wasn't ever going to do that...I was going to wait for him to reply to my email from last Sunday and take it from there but I couldn't help it. I just wanted to so I did. I'm not playing games I decided. If I want to call then I will. If i want to write an email then I will. If I want to write 10 emails then I will do that as well! I won't sit here and wonder if it's a "sign" that my voicemail didn't go through. It's NOT. It just MY LUCK.

I DO hope he gets some some internet time this weekend and replies to my last email. I guess I need to understand how I want to behave with the whole situation going forward. I need to decide what will work best for me.

So, to summarize...I stepped out of my recent issues with needing to be in the comfort zone, I survived perfectly fine, I don't like to go to sleep at night and I wasted my whole morning sleeping and sitting in my PJ's on the computer ----> but I'm okay with it.

Im sitting here again
Another Sunday morning
Trying to figure out just who to be
I cant keep going on like this
Ive got to break away

Whoah, whoah
Everything Ive said is over
Whoah, whoah
I cant take this any longer
Whoah, whoah
I need to get out of this zone
Whoah, whoah

I hope you see where Im coming from
Its time to make a move
Change my fate
Let go of all the things that feed my complacency
Dont wanna be a wannabe

No more wasted days anymore

Comfort Zone - Everyday Sunday

(I never heard of them before but the lyrics went well with how I was feeling.)

I hate that I've been on the downward part of the roller coaster ride again but such is life. AlwaysKnewWe'dBeFriends said that she's happy I blog about my thoughts here so that the negative thoughts don't spill over into my everyday life. That's a very good point and I'm happy I blog about my feelings as well. It helps me sort them out and I read the posts back later a few times to see where I was then and I how I'm progressing. Even if I had no readers it would help to just get my thoughts out here...it's like a modern form of a diary to me.

Last night I was pretty bummed. Bummed that I'm walking around trying to live my new life and all I can do is think about GI GUY and our little 6 week "thing." Even through the ups and downs during our "fling" I still always fell right under his spell when I saw him in person. I could never get mad at him even though I should have. His life situation made it hard for me to really be upset with him.

So, now that he has been deployed I can't stop thinking about him. I keep trying to figure out why he stays in my head all day long. Maybe because when were with each other things between us felt so right and so unbelievably good to me. We were both going crazy times in our lives and the connection we felt (from being old friends) really made it easy to fall right into each others lives when we both needed those "good feelings" most. It was so easy to like him. And it's so hard to get over him now.

I keep having "flashbacks" memories of him when I walk around my house...when I look at my couch, my kitchen table, my bed, and even my bathroom?? What I find strange is that I don't have these flashback memories of "The-X" as I walk around my house. I wonder what that means?? It' so strange....I know. I guess I had a have a huge crush and I'm having a hard time letting go of him. I didn't even have enough time with him, to begin with, and now I have to let him go.

When I'm all alone is when I think the most. Especially late at night when it's time to go to sleep. It's then that I feel the saddest and loneliest. I sit in my bed with my cell on my nightstand thinking about what I would text him or what voice mail I'd like to leave him (but I never do). I was the last one to write (to him) via email Sunday and I need to be patient to see what he replies when he is able to get internet connection (supposedly cell service isn't working where he is yet, either).

I'm not building my life around him, please believe me, but as I said in my last post: the attention is nice. I can't believe how insane it is to be recently single after a 10 year relationship and then get involved with someone who is now gone for over a year! I wouldn't and couldn't wait around - that'd be crazy insane. But can you believe my luck?? This should have been the summer of love (LOL) but instead it's the summer of 2 losses in a row!

I had a long talk with CapricornSoulSister late, late, late last night and we both solidly agree that this was the best thing to happen to me during what I was going through. She pointed out (and I agreed) that before GI GUY came into my life again I was sad about losing my marriage, my house, and starting my life over. When he appeared out of no where all of my terrible fears and terrible sadness floated away. She and I agreed that I needed him to remove me from the bad place I was in to a world where I felt special, beautiful, loved, sexy, wanted, and desirable. It was a good thing. Now I just need to get to a new good place again.

I got a call from an old friend today who I hadn't talked to in a long time. I thought she was mad at me after not answering 3 emails in a row and some IM's I sent her a while back. She thought I was mad at her for something else that had happened. Crazy hah? Well, she heard from her sister that my MySpace page said I was single and was worried when she heard that and called me to check on me.

I'm glad she did. She went through a divorce (after one year of marriage) about 3 years ago so she knew everything I was feeling and I was there when that all happened with her. I was in disbelief that she was getting a divorce back then...now look at me 3 years later! She gave me good advice and it's refreshing to know that she found someone else that she is in love with and feels the complete opposite of how her relationship with her x-husband did.

We talked for a few hours and everything is fine now. It's always like that when it's someone you've known forever. You can't harbor bad feelings in your heart. You just have to let things go. It's unhealthy not to. It was a crazy misunderstanding and now when I look back I feel so stupid that we didn't talk for so long. But I'm happy that we talked about the misunderstanding and we're back to being "good" that easily. Crazy how these things happen among friends.

Anyway...I hope things start looking up for me soon. Tomorrow I'm going to a July 4th party with CapricornSoulSister and ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre but I'm a little nervous because I don't know anyone else there. With my horrible increase in anxiety I now get nervous over everything all of a sudden. I SOOOO have to pick up the phone and call those counselors I was referred to. I definitely can't deal anymore and I think I need to be on medication! I need a life free of FEAR over NOTHING...now I feel fear over things I ACTUALLY want to do!

Imagine I start dating and faint on my date from panic? NOW THAT WOULD BE FUN! Reclusive-ness here I come!

PS: Now how funny is this? I just wrote above that I hope things start looking up for me soon...then 1 minute later AlwaysKnewWe'dBeFriends said she wanted me to hear a new band. She said they had a song that reminded her of me. Guess what it was called? Look To The Stars.

It says its like this lack of direction brings forth the question did I go too far...we are finding who we are down this road we walk...look to the stars...seize every moment...you gotta believe when i say...

*Currently listening to Colbie Caillat's song called Magic on www.Pandora.com. Never heard of her before but I like it. If you haven't tried Pandora.com - you need to! It is awesome!

To know that others feel the same way and feel the need to reach out to me and hope that it helps - I wanted to let you know that it does help.

I'm so happy and thankful that I started this blog. Writing it all out has really helped me so much. You can't imagine how good it feels to get the thoughts out of my head and in writing. And then I look back to see what I wrote later on and I really see the impact of my fears and what they are doing to me starting me right back in the face.

It's helping me face reality - and your thoughts and comments are helping me face those realities with a positive outlook on how the rest of my life will be once I pick up the phone and make the appointment with a counselor.

Thank you so much to everyone who has commented. It means more to me than you know.

On another note. As a follow up to last night's I'm So Scared post:

I was in bad shape all day. I felt terrible at work, I ended up leaving work early, came home, had a not so great nap, took a really long shower just letting the hot water hit me in the face for quite a while, ate something so that I wouldn't feel sick from hunger, took a 1/4 of a "calming pill," got dressed and went. As I was driving I actually started to feel GOOD about going and happy to see everyone and do this for my friend.

I made it to the rehearsal dinner and although I was a bit nervous when I got there (and had to take another 1/4 of a "calming pill") I was okay and actually had a really nice night.

I was so happy that I didn't let myself cancel out at the last minute and ruin it for the bride and groom. I was honored that they even gave me a little thank you gift for doing the photography for them of their night. Imagine I didn't dhow? They'd be so disappointed and I'd never forgive myself for letting anxiety rule my life.

So I made it there, got over the nervousness and the desire to run to the restroom and faint away...

All of this made me feel so much better about the wedding tomorrow. As long as I don't get hurt (which makes it hard to avoid fainting) I think I will be okay and have a really good time with my friends and doing the candid photography for my friend's special day. I'm actually going to stay over after the wedding...something I don't normally find myself doing...normally I want to go home right after.

So, my bags are packed and I'm ready to go! Wish me good luck!

I'll update you all on Sunday!

One more PS: Today I finally wrote GI GUY an email. I'm not sure when he will be able to check it and if he'll reply but I decided it was time to tell him how I felt about him leaving me without a proper goodbye. It was a pretty long e-mail so I hope he reads it all and replies with some kind of explanation as to what happened at the very end of our little "thing we had going." If you all knew the entire story of the past 6 weeks with GI GUY you'd say screw him but I can't just let it go like that. That's not me. We were friends for 12 years. I need a dialog with him about what happened, how I felt, and why he behaved the way he did.

I'm not sure what his internet capabilities are, where he is right now, but I'll keep you all posted on what he has to say for himself.

If he doesn't respond...I'll be crushed. But, we'll see. It could be a while and I'll have to be patient with this one.

One of the things I mentioned in a previous post that sets off panic for me was pain. Actually, pain is where it all started. If it weren't for the fainting from pain issue that I've had since I was a baby -- maybe it wouldn't have morphed itself into "regular anxiety" and panic attacks...but it did.

My very good friend from college is getting married this weekend. Sometimes weddings can be fun when you know everyone there and you're excited to spend time with them. Good food, open bar, dancing, mingling and cute little favors...sometimes those things can be fun.

Well this time I am already feeling like it won't be fun for me (yes, I'm ALREADY psyching myself out).

I'll explain why...

1) I'm recently single and I don't have someone like GI GUY around to take as a date. So, YAY, I get to go alone...all because I think it's rude to ask to bring a random friend when your friend is paying 150.00 a plate for the reception. I'm too nice to even ask if she'd mind. I just wouldn't do it! I'll go alone and hang out with all of my married friends. Woo Hoo!

This isn't SUCH a big deal for me because I'm not the type of girl who minds doing things alone. Normally I wouldn't give a darn about this issue if it wasn't for #2 below.

2) I sprained my ankle last Friday....a NIGHTMARE for me! It had such a bad trickle down after effect. One was not seeing GI GUY before he was leaving for deployed (for over a year) because I was too scared that if I went out to the bar the night before he left - that my ankle would hurt, I wouldn't feel "good," have panic, and then faint in a bar! So, I missed saying goodbye in person and you all know what happened after that...there wasn't a proper goodbye from his end!

So, now, because of that pain anxiety, I'm fearful and scared that when I'm at this wedding I won't feel "good," have panic, and then faint at a wedding!

It's not just the wedding that I have to worry about....

I will work all day tomorrow, leave early, come home, get dressed for her rehearsal dinner (which I will be dong the photography of for her), and leaving immediately to get there (an hour away). I'll be on my feet for a while at the dinner.

Then I will drive an hour home dead tired to get ready for an early day Saturday. I have to prethink of everything I need for the weekend. I have to get my photography gear together, pack clothes to stay over at the hotel after the wedding, get my wedding outfit ready with everything I need for that because....I'm photographing the bridesmaids bright and early at 9AM about 35 mins from my house, going to the bride's mom's house to do photos of them getting ready, get ready myself, and then follow them to the ceremony, follow them when the do photography at the beach in between the ceremony and reception, and then attend the reception. LONG DAY and a lot of time on my bum foot/ankle.

By the time I get to the reception I'm so scared that I will be in pain and NOT FEEL GOOD! So this is why I sit here at midnight panicking. I will panic all day at work tomorrow, all the way home from work, all the way to the rehearsal dinner. I will feel extreme panic when I first get there and hopefully the feelings will subside without me having to take a "calming pill" that makes me feel all dopey.

Today was hard enough on my foot. I had to run to the mall and find a dress all within an hour or so. The mall had the main escalators closed so every time I had to go up or down a floor I had to walk SO FAR! So by the time I got home tonight and tried everything on my ankle is now throbbing a bit. It better be feeling better tomorrow!

These thoughts (before something even happens) are what drive me nuts. They are the thoughts that drive others to become recluses and never leave their home. I won't let these thoughts take over my life. I just won't!

I made a step in the right direction after I wrote the last blog post on anxiety. You'll all be very proud of me. I called my former marriage counselor and asked him for a referral to a woman therapist who specializes in helping with anxiety sufferers. He gave me 2 telephone numbers to call. I haven't called them yet but I will. It will just take me a little time to pick up the phone and call to make an actual appointment, but I will. Calling him and getting the numbers was a big step for me...in the right direction.

So I sit here in fear. I'm scared. I can't have this happen at my friend's wedding. Especially since this is the friend that I already had a panic attack at her bachelorette party 2 weeks ago - which involved fainting in the ladies room at a restaurant...ambulance being called...not going out with them after dinner...going home early (and I certainly didn't need an ambulance...but I won't get into that right now...that's a whole other rant about how people don't understand anxiety and panic and you hear things like are you epileptic, do you have diabetes? NO! I have anxiety!)

I can't feel this way tomorrow and Saturday.

I cannot allow this.

I just can't.

I won't.

NO!

At the collapse of electricity with no lights and rendering technology useless one sits there completely and utterly bewildered at what one is supposed to do. Unable to read I suddenly realised why oral culture is so strong among the nomads. I think the occasional power failures are good at reminding us that the technology of the Western world are not infallible and that it is quiet fickle in the face of Mother Nature. We are all humans in the end relying on mankind and ourselves.

He left without saying goodbye...

The day I had been dreading...is here. But it didn't turn out how imagined it.

Today is the day he "ships off" (well...flys off, in his case, no ships for him). I was supposed to see him for the last time...last night...at a reunion event for our college but because of unfortunate circumstances (sprained foot) I just couldn't go.

Can you believe it? All I wanted to do was go to see him one last night. I thought about it for weeks and now I cannot believe I was too ANXIOUS and worried that if my foot hurt while I was out that I wouldn't feel good...and then you all know what that does to me ---faint-o-rama!! And we can't have that happen again...not there...not with him...not on his last night out with friends before he leaves for the "sandbox" (as he calls it).

Can you believe my luck, though? I think I'm going to say that over and over again until I lose my mind. I can't believe my luck! I struggled with it in my head all night long...should I just get in the car and tough it out? Would I be okay? Do you see how anxiety holds me back at the wrong time?

Thank god I was hanging with CapricornSoulSister and ICan'tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre all night because they soooo kept my mind and occupied and glass full!

NOTE: I guess I never explained in my anxiety post yesterday that "passing out or fainting" all started when I was extremely young. As a child (and still as an adult) I fainted/passed out from my own blood or pain. It's called vasovagal syncope:

People with vasovagal syncope typically have recurrent episodes, usually when exposed to a specific trigger. The initial episode often occurs when the person is a teenager, then recurs in clusters throughout his or her life. Prior to losing consciousness, the individual frequently experiences a prodrome of symptoms such as lightheadedness, nausea, sweating, ringing in the ears, uncomfortable feeling in the heart, weakness and visual disturbances. These last for at least a few seconds before consciousness is lost, which typically happens when the person is sitting up or standing. When they pass out, they fall down; and when in this position, effective blood flow to the brain is immediately restored, allowing the person to wake up.

The autonomic nervous system's physiologic state (see below) leading to loss of consciousness may persist for several minutes, so:

1. if the person tries to sit or stand when they wake up, they may pass out again; and
2. the person may be nauseated, pale, and sweaty for several minutes.

I could sort of deal with that issue as an adult but when I got older the passing out/fainting from blood or pain morphed into fainting from panicking about something or being nervous about something (when pain wasn't even the cause). Since I'd rather not get more into the anxiety/blood/pain/fainting discussion again -- this paragraph gives you a little more understanding into where all of this started (I should have explained it a bit more in my previous post) but you need to know why the sprained foot kept me from going last night.

With that being said...after I sprained my foot Friday when I met RecentlyDivorcedCollegeFriend for lunch (that's a whole tale on it's own!) I was so devastated it happened to me because all I could think about was the reunion and being able to see GI GUY one last time! I had a huge decision to make and today I sit here regretting my choice BIG TIME! I didn't GO! What is wrong with me? It's the last time I would be able to see him before he goes away for approximately a year and 3 months to war?? I'm so beside myself right now!

The reason I SHOULDN'T BE BESIDE MYSELF right now is that he really didn't make it clear that he really wanted to see me there and he wasn't BESIDE HIMSELF that he couldn't. I didn't hear from him all day and I finally texted him asked why he was ignoring me so much throughout the past week..I wanted to know if he was mad at me or if I didn't something wrong since we last saw each other and had a great night. He finally texted me back at 10pm and said...no he wasn't mad, just crazy busy and he mentioned that no one showed up for the reunion! Oh how that made me more upset!

No one showing up would have been a great thing for me because his attention wouldn't have been in a hundred different places. We could have hung out the whole time. I didn't go though! But, like I said he wasn't making it clear how much he wished I had gone. I was the one saying I can't believe I'm not going to see you...and meet me somewhere...and aren't you upset that you won't see me one more time, etc? He just responded that yes he wanted to see me...nothing else... after a while he completely stopped responding to my texts altogether...

Then my friend ICan'tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre helped me craft a simple text late in the night where I talked about meeting him somewhere..and if he couldn't he should at least call or text me before he leaves the base for his DEPLOYMENT but I never heard anything else from him! NOTHING! NADA! ZILCH! ZIP!

If he's leaving the base on plane, TODAY, did he leave already? Without calling or writing? It's so late in the day...I'm sure they left already...although I don't know... Oh, I'm just torturing myself here at my desk as I write this! Okay...I give in...text just sent "Did you leave?" The phone says the message was delivered...so that means he is either still here with his phone ON or he arrived at the base (where they will be at for a few months) and turned his phone back on. He could be BUSY (as usual) but I deserve an answer.

Well, ladies and gents...we're back to the way girls torture themselves over guys' behaviors. I guess the past 6 weeks or so didn't mean the same thing to him that it did to me...and all the years of our friendship must not have been meaningful at all as well. Sometimes it makes me feel like a used dirty tissue. My friends warned me but I didn't want to listen. Hell, I warned my damn self that if I got involved with my LONG TIME friend that this MAY happen but I still couldn't help it. I got in too deep but I wanted to (and that's the difference).

The only thing that sort of helps is the agreement that my friends and I all have on the subject... SingleChildhoodFriend, RecentlyDivorcedFriend, CapricornSoulSister, and ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre will all tell you that he sooooo served a purpose for me! A huge purpose! He took my mind off of what was happening to me, stopped my nightly cries in my bed, and turned the switch back on for me. He made me realize that I could care about someone else, love someone else, feel butterflies again...that I was desirable, loveable, and that I was still able to take cloud 9 for a spin (after being with someone else for so long, married, and soon to be divorced at 32). Even if I never ever talked to him again in my entire life (which I don't see happening) I will always be thankful for the purpose that he served in my life to lift me out of a drowning pool of misery.

I almost almost positive that I will eventually hear from him...I don't think he'd be able to drop me like this so easily...especially when he is away, alone for all this time in a war zone. It's seems strange to say that when he reaches his deployment destination he will finally have some time to "think." But it's true. He's been so crazy the last 6 weeks that I just added to the drama of his life and having to leave his friends and family. You have to put your real life on hold and focus on the task at hand and I'm sure I was a big distraction craving his constant attention and I don't think he could handle it! So that's why I say that I think I WILL hear from him. And you all will be the first to know!

Quote of the day from SingleCityGirl"B" about the situation: "Just put him in the oven for a while...I'm sure he'll come out good at some point!"

All I have to say is thank god for CapricornSoulSister, SingleChildhoodFriend, ICan'tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre, IndianaGalPal, AlwaysKnewWe'dBeFriends, SingleCityGirl"B", Oscar, and CITYGUY. You won't believe how much they all have listened to me rant on and on about this guy and the roller coaster he has put me on for 6 weeks! Oh, thank you all for not strangling me over this soap opera! Some of the torture is over but I still there is more drama to come that I will need you for (so buckle up).

I'm aware that this entire post may have jumped around, may not have fully explained the tale of GI GUY and my not have been totally coherent but it just flowed out of my fingers exactly as I typed it here. Hopefully it's not too convoluted; I wanted to get some of these feelings off my chest. The main point is I think he left without saying goodbye to me and I can't get over not going there last night to see him. I just can't....my heart is in pieces...two times in a row...

Louder, louder
The voices in my head
Whispers taunting
All the things you said
Faster the days go by and I'm still
Stuck in this moment of wanting you here
Time
In the blink of an eye
You held my hand, you held me tight
Now you're gone
And I'm still crying
Shocked, broken
I'm dying inside

Where are you?
I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me

Shadows linger
Only to my eye
I see you, I feel you
Don't leave my side
It's not fair
Just when I found my world
They took you...

(excerpt from Haunted...Kelly Clarkson)

I have anxiety.

Yes, I do. I carry it around with me everyday like a 10,000 pound fanny that you can't take off (who'd want to wear a 10,000 pound fanny pack anyway? (No offense to any fanny pack wearers...I'm not hatin' on you!).

Now get yourself a cup of coffee so you can get through reading this whole long saga (or soap opera of my life as I call it.)

Back to the serious issue at hand. I'm 32 and I think I've had anxiety and panic attacks all my life. At first I thought they started in my twenties but then I can remember Sunday nights as a child where something upset me at school and then I wouldn't be able to to go to sleep, I couldn't breathe and would have my mom lie in bed with me until I fell asleep....all because I didn't want to go to school the next day. Somehow I made it through those nights and got up and went to school and everything was okay but they were still panic attacks.

In high school I don't recall as many panic/anxiety attacks happening (but, hey, I could be blocking out the memories of them) and college was mostly panic/anxiety attack free as well from what I remember.

Until...I was about to start a new job for the summer before my senior year of college. I still had some classes left but was starting the job while I was finishing up finals. I got up the morning of my first day and went down the hall to the restroom, did what I had to do, and then woke up on the floor of the bathroom. I had fainted without much warning (usually I have a minute of two of warning before I black out!) I didn't go to work that day. I just couldn't. I called and told my friend who had gotten me the temp job what had happened and she handled it for me. I went the next day but found a way to go on my own terms...which meant not going in at the crack of dawn and showing up at 10am when I had time to wake up, settle my feelings, and go. Everything worked out fine.

After that I don't remember that many attacks until I graduated from college and started interviewing for full time jobs. I had to have someone come with me to the interviews sometimes because I was scared to go alone and was worried I wouldn't feel good and want to faint.

Yes, faint. As in: Pass out, black out...turn white as ghost, blood pressure drops to nothing, ears are ringing like a thousand bells, and then blacking out like a dead girl on the floor...all while making strange breathing noises and with my eyes OPEN and my eyes rolling back in my head. It's a very pretty sight in deed for those who witness it.

All to wake up to being clamy and sweating and a headache and people staring down over you while you wonder what the heck just happened! The strangest thing is that is that you feel like it's the best sleep you ever had in your life (but you've only been out less than one minute). But waking up is when you freak out because you slowly realize what just happened and your on the floor in your office, the floor of a restaurant bathroom stall, the floor of a work bathroom stall, the hallway on the floor at work, on your bathroom floor, on the floor at the mall, in a dressing room, on the floor of a classroom, the back seat of your car.... should I go on? You get the point. NOTE: all the examples are true. They all happened to me.

And, I haven't learned my lesson from all of those fainting episodes! When I feel it coming on I need to stop, drop and (but not roll *LOL*) despite the embarrassment I may feel with people around me that are wondering why I'm lying on the ground. I haven't learned my lesson because I try to run away from where I am if it's not a comfy place. So far I've been lucky that I've never gotten badly hurt, smashing my head on the ground or breaking my teeth...but that is only been LUCK, all these years!

After college I felt panic more and more. I did my best to ignore it but sometimes it didn't work. So, I took the advice of MommaBear and went to see a Psychotherapist. I gave up easily on that. The woman spent so much time trying to dig into my family history and family life that I started to get frustrated. I felt like she wasn't dealing with the issue at hand: "when I feel nervous sometimes I lose my mind and black out!" She tried to teach me breathing exercises and other techniques (which in the end mean nothing to me when I'm feeling a panic attack coming on and all I can think about in the thoughts swirling around in my head is "where's a place that I can run away to in case I need to faint.")

When I say "run away" it's as in the "fight or flight response" which we learned about in Psychology 101. When I get the feeling of wanting to run away from the situation I'm in always think it's that "flight" reaction...like "Oh my god! Get me out of here fast! That feeling is coming on!"

Wikipedia says:

Repeated stress responses can be caused not only by real threats, but also by mental disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder, in which the individual shows a stress response when remembering a past trauma, and panic disorder, in which the stress response is activated apparently by nothing.

Apparently nothing are the key words for me there. That's how it feels to me. It happens for apparently NO REASON.

So, I thought I knew better than the psychotherapist and got it in my head that nothing she could say could help me and I told her it just wasn't working for me. She suggested that maybe I go see the Psychiatrist in her practice to see if I may need some kind of medicine, so I did. I explained my situation to him for 5 minutes and then he was immediately telling me that I needed medicine/drugs! I was shocked to be honest. How could I have only been talking for 5 minutes and he was already whipping out a prescription pad and sample packs of Zoloft. (Don't you just love those side effect warnings?)

Pushing meds on me right away without really talking me through it made me SO angry! I asked myself "why isn't he even talking to me about the issues and trying help me fix it internally???" I felt like he just want to push medicine down my throat and send me on my merry-freaking-anxiety-having way!

Well, I took the medication (BUT ONLY FOR 3 DAYS) because every time I would put in my mouth that's all I could think about all day. Medicine, I took medicine, how is going to make me feel? Will it work? Will it make me sick? Is it a miracle cure or will it still happen? Should I count on it? All these things swirled around in my head and I couldn't stop thinking about the medicine that was supposed to help me not panic about silly things!

On the 3rd day I took the medicine without eating. BAD MISTAKE! It turned my stomach so bad that I had turn around and go home rather than going to work. I even had to pull over and call my Dad to let him know I felt sick and to make me some toast and I'd be there in a few minutes. I didn't go to work, felt sick...and decided not to take it anymore. Three days is not enough time to feel any effects of the meds (you need a few weeks) so I didn't even get to know if they would really help me.

The only thing I liked was that he gave me an RX for something you could take on the spot of you felt like you were going to have panic. I could live with those...although if you are already in a panic - it's too late since they take a good 20-25 mins to get through your system...and the end result is feeling DOPEY (really fun I'll tell ya!)

Anything can set it off...but mostly being places that I don't feel comfortable or having to go somewhere that I don't want to go to. I will do anything to get out of something that I just don't feel comfortable with. I will find any excuse in the world!

So, with all the things in my life going on lately I think it's happening more and more frequently. It's now so often that it's happening in places where I actually feel comfortable with the situation I'm in and with the people I'm with. Now that makes NO sense at all!

How am I going to start my life over when all of a sudden this is holding me back now! I can't life a happy single life, out on the town, with the fear of anxiety holding me back and stopping me dead in my tracks! I just can't.

I went to visit RecentlyDivorcedCollegeFriend yesterday and I hadn't seen her in so long. She's my good friend and there should be no reason that I would feel anxious to see her but as soon as I approached my destination I decided I better take 1/2 of "calming pill." We started walking around the shopping center and I still didn't feel well so I asked her if she wouldn't mind sitting on a bench with me for a while and I told her why.

We got to talking and she said she's gone through similar issues of her own and we talked about it for a long time. Once the day was over I decided that I just can't take it anymore. This "itch on my brain" has taken over my life and my happiness long enough and I just can't take it anymore!

It's been effecting me for so long already. I've missed many events, wiggled my way out of doing things I didn't want to (big meetings...business trips...parties...even something like a baseball game) even fun things that I should have gone to but just COULDN'T.

If you don't have anxiety you will never really understand the "COULDN'T" part. You don't know how many times I've heard "get over it and go! Make yourself!" My response is OH PLEASE! It's not that easy! I've tried so hard to be strong and FIGHT IT by telling myself that I will get through it and I'm not going to LIVE ON MEDICINE!

I have FINALLY come to belief that if there is something "chemically" wrong with you - you really can't fix that on your own. It's just not possible unless you get a lobotomy! You're only masking your pain, and trying to find ways around it happening (by avoidance of things you love) - and you're not conquering it!

It's time for me to deal with it and start my new life. Let's hope and pray that I'm truly ready.

NOTE: Be sure to read the post from June 22nd, for more information on how my anxiety started and how it morphed into what I explained above.

ANXIETY - Black Eyed Peas

I feel like I wanna smack somebody
Turn around and bitch slap somebody (bitch)
But I ain't goin' out bro (no, no, no)
I ain't givin' into it (no, no, no)
Anxieties bash my mind in
Terrorizing my soul like Bin Laden
But I ain't fallin' down bro (no, no, no)
I won't lose control bro (no, no, no)
Shackle and chained
My soul feels stained
I can't explain got an itch on my brain
Lately my whole aim is to maintain
And regain control of my mainframe
My bloods boiling its beatin' out propane
My train of thoughts more like a runaway train
I'm in a fast car drivin' in a fast lane
In the rain and I'm might just hydroplane

I don't fear none of my enemies
And I don't fear bullets from Uzis
I've been dealing with something thats worse than these
That'll make you fall to your knees and thats the
The anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
The sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety

My head keeps running away my brother
The only thing making me stay my brother
But I won't give into it bro (no, no, no)
Gotta get myself back now
God, I can't let my mind be
Tell my enemy is my own
Gots to find my inner wealth
Gots to hold up my thoughts
I can't get caught (no, no, no)
I can't give into it now (no, no, no)
Emotions are trapped set on lock
Got my brain stuck goin through the motions
Only I know what's up
I'm filled up with pain
Tryin' to gain my sanity
Everywhere I turn its a dead end infront of me
With nowhere to go gotta shake this anxiety
Got me feelin' strange paranoia took over me
And its weighin' me down
And I can't run any longer, yo
Knees to the ground

I don't fear none of my enemies
And I don't fear bullets from Uzis
I've been dealing with something thats worse than these
That'll make you fall to your knees and thats my
My anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
The sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety

I don't fear none of my enemies
And I don't fear bullets from Uzis
I've been dealing with something thats worse than these
That'll make you fall to your knees and thats the
The anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
The sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety

Laughing at the expense of children? I don't think it's wrong. Thanks to the Hags for introducing me.

...I also definitely have to recommend their cover of "Louie Louie," but I don't want to throw too much at you all at once.