My love affair with this city... it's the story of true unconditional love.

It's been a long but epic week.  I'm waiting on a callback about a position I'd applied for.  I'll know later today.  I wouldn't be starting until Monday if I got it.

I didn't make it down for the blogger meeting.  I was sidetracked with an opportunity.

A friend of mine twittered about needing some help with casting for his webshow- Frenchmaidtv.  Now if you haven't seen this quirky and sexy little series, I really must insist that you go there and watch.  When I first found it, I understood immediately why it was such a hit.

I came to California originally for the same things it seems everyone here comes for.  Ah yes, I came out here for the entertainment industry- the mecca of of smoke and mirrors manufacturing.  Sidetracked from that a few years... life has a weird way of bringing you back to your roots.

Two birds, one stone.  I had the chance to help someone deserving and learn some lessons in the process.

Life is a series of windows.  Not doors, windows.  Because I believe sometimes it takes more effort than just walking in a door.  Sometimes you stumble across an open window, take a glance, and have to find some way to climb though.  Holy crap I sound like I break and enter now.  ***I am not responsible for any breaking and entering cases caused by this blog***

I'm a rebel but not a jerk.

That said, when you are fortunate enough to stand on a platform and take a look into a new world (being this short, I need a stepstool to see in those high ones), you take it without hesitation.

My view of Hollywood had been tarnished.  That day, it revitalized the zest I had all those years ago.  I am forever thankful to Tim for letting me tag along.  It was something I will never forget.

One love postponed to rediscover an old one.

Hollywood, the honest view from this inside outsider:

It is exactly as it looks from the outside.  It's shallow.  It's gritty.  It bids emotion exist and remain non existent.  Broken dreams.  Made dreams.  Hardened hearts for a reason.  Tits or GTFO.

The 405 was a parking lot.  I left later than expected.  Not surprised, but there was no way I was going to make it home.  There's fashionably late and then there's just damn late.

Another friend of mine called me:

How adventurous are you feeling tonight?

Pornstars.  Kareokee.  Only in LA.  It was the perfect ending to a day chuck full of breasts, plastic, and hollywood.  It's amazing how real something that screams fake can be.  Puns intended.

Like I said, they manufacture these moments in Hollywood though.  It's like a drug.  One hit- and you're hooked.

I haven't been able to sleep much.  I'm a workaholic.  I have too many projects to work on.  Not enough time.  I'm pushing 36 hours in a 24 hour day.

There's a difference between giving in and giving up.  Knowing when to do each is something that only life lessons can truly teach you.  This year has been full of those such experiences.

Those sentences echo in my mind.  I am making peace within myself.  Time to make the outside match the inside.

I wrote a message to try and push a restart button.  I wanted no harm, no foul.  Once upon a time, I'd like to believe we were friends.  Perhaps we never were.  Perhaps it was all just about the heat.  So why was there so much passion?

"Behave yourself"

I didn't need to hear that.  Have I screwed up in the past?  Yes indeed. I am human and admit that part of the reason it failed was because of me.

I rolled my eyes a bit at the statement and lol'ed.

Heading down to San Diego... another swimsuit.  Gassed up in my bikini.  Iced chai with whipped cream and cinnamon on top.  Late leaving... but fashionably on time.

I changed on the drive down.  Driving with just your breasts at 90mph is probably not something I'd reccomend doing.  Scratch that.  Hell it's worth doing once.  ***I am not responsible for the accidents occured by this blog***

The thing about being home is that even when things happen, they seem to have little to no effect on me.  I didn't cause any ruckus despite what happened.  And as much as I'm sure he'd love for me to be "that bitch" and air all the laundry, I'm more mature than that.  And frankly, I only partially care.

If you love something and you let it go and it comes back, it was yours.  If not, then it never was.

You can tell your friends that I was a never was.  You can spout assorted gossip about me.  Get nasty.  Do whatever.  It's your life.  I don't tell anyone how to run theirs.

The truth lies in that vast space of stars and time.

I'm not innocent.  I'm not better.  I'm just not pandering anymore to the manipulative bullshit.

I wish you all the best of luck in all that you do.  I know that you have the power to be successful.  I have faith in you despite it all.

I love you for the lessons you taught me.  About life.  About business.  About how a relationship should and shouldn't be.  I always will.

Goodbye my "friend," my "lover," my Mr.-Never-Once-was Mr-Likely-Will... blank blank dot dot dot.

It's too early to make any decisions, but a friend said I can "watch" his home in the Bywater.  This is a pet friendly generator powered environment with a second floor.  The only thing I haven't been carrying around with me all summer is the one debatable item - a gun.  I don't have a gun, and I am not someone who should have a gun, but I've got a Coleman stove, an inflatable raft, tons of batteries, a radio that doesn't even need batteries, flashlights from the last hurricane that can use any type of batteries, my medication, a video camera, a tape recorder, goulashes, mace, an axe, a big dog, a car, an apartment in Gentilly I haven't moved into yet, an a.c. adapter, hunting knives, rope, a first aid kit, coolers, a waterproof tent, and my NOLAfugees press pass. 

So this blog is serving the purpose of documenting the next several days.  This could be very boring.

[It kinda runs on the same theory
of time seeming to slow when you
constantly check your watch]

Now as you sit there [wherever you may be],
and not necessarily now, but in the not too
distant future. Taking valuable stock of the |
place that you are currently in, your station
in life if you prefer. You must consider the
last time you took stock and how far you have
come since then, towards your goal, towards
your dream.

Because dreams don't have to be unattainable,
just because they're named after those strange
visions you see when your asleep doesn't make
them any less real. Most peoples dreams are
[and this can be alot of the time] subject to
change due to some unforeseen event. But
no matter how they change they are still there
acting as the drive behind most of your
decisions. Make them the good ones.

I think I owe one of them a hug. and I also think I should go to sleep earlier than one in the morning.

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."

My decision to forgo all anonymity means I've given up the ability to be as open as I'd like about certain situations. But that doesn't mean I can't still express some of the effects.

Over the past year, I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster. Each time I'm on an upswing, life is great. Then comes the downswing, and immediately I run to a select few friends. I tell them all the messed up things that happend and how angry and shocked I am. At first, they're equally shocked and angry with me. They commiserate, giving me all the advice I need to hear.

But then, without taking their advice, I'm back on an upswing again and I barely remember the down. Convinced everything fixed itself, I'm back on my merry way. Inevitably, the downswing comes back and I run back to my friends. By now they're used to it, and though they're still there for me, the shock factor has somewhat faded.

I'd be willing to bet we've all been in situations like this. We run to our friends (bless them) with our problems, in which they tell us exactly what we need to hear: dump him/her, get a new job, move out, etc. It's reassuring to hear them say this, because it often backs our intuitive instinct. But throw emotions in the mix and the right answer is not always easy to follow.  So when's the breaking point? When do we finally get off the ride and give in to the advice we know we should follow?

The one reason you aren't getting what you want is because you are not clear. All problems ultimately boil down to a lack of clarity.

For example, problems on your team means you are not clear that you are the captain of the ship. While the trouble-maker takes the helm you shovel coal in the boiler room to keep the ship going.

Drama in the office is due to a lack of clarity. Disobedient and unruly children is because of a lack of clarity. Marital problems, family issues and all other relationship problems can be traced back to a lack of clarity. The one with the most
clarity navigates the ship.

If you want to step out of the “boiler room” and navigate your ship you must get clear. Once you get clear, the details and ongoing decisions fall easily into place and everything else is magic.

I learned this lesson unexpectedly when planning my big 5-0 birthday party. In the beginning, I was clear. I wanted to do something with girl friends. That clarity lead to inspired action. We started talking about it and researching the internet for various types of packages. After deciding on Vegas to see Cher and do some shopping, the confusion settled in.

One friend decided she couldn’t go after all. Another said school was starting. Another decided she shouldn’t leave her family and another said she was planning another trip on that date and so on. All of the sudden I lost clarity because I made my focus about what everyone else needed to do instead of what I wanted to do.

The trip became dependent on

--Who could go?
--Who couldn’t go.
--Who changed their mind.
--What price point would work.
--What entertainment to choose.
--Other places we could go

Confusion rolled in like a thick fog. Maybe it should be a road trip to Eureka Springs or St. Louis. Maybe the date needs to change. What if there is an uneven number of people who could go--- and so on the drama continued. I'm glad I have learned to float when faced with the fog.

A thought occurred to me: What if I became clear about what I really want to do and then make a decision and let who wants to go, join in.  Once I got clarity that I was going, three others jumped in and said, “I’m in.” It was THAT easy.

DECISION-MAKING BEFORE CLARITY IS THE WRONG ORDER.
When you make a decision before you are clear, you simply change your mind then beat yourself up for not  having any focus.  Poor decision-making is due to a lack of clarity.

When you are clear, decision-making and focus is easy. When you are clear, everything else aligns and happens as it is supposed to.

But...on to the feature!

I'm pretty fashion-dumb. Whether it's choosing what goes with what or what's appropriate to wear in a certain season or to a certain function, I'm pretty clueless. That's where you come in! From time to time, I have occasions come up where I need fashion advice. I've noticed the Internets seem to be kind to other bloggers, so I've decided to join the ranks of self-photo takers across the land. I'll present several options, please tell me your favorite in the comments! This is also an excellent opportunity for all you lurkers out there to come out of hiding and help me look semi-fashionable.

For Volume 1, I have a dinner event to attend. DD is being promoted, and there's a dinner for all the promotees at the TPC Michigan (that's Tournament Players Club where the pro golf tours go, for all you non-golfers like myself). So, think country club chic. It's on a Tuesday night, after work. It's the end of September, in that tricky space between summer and fall. People attending will be a lot of accountants, including firm partners, managers, and their guests. 

I've devised several wardrobe options. I don't just want to go with an ordinary pants suit that I'd wear any old Tuesday...but then again, is a dress too much for a dinner on Tuesday night? Plus, I'm not much of a country clubber, so I really have no idea what's appropriate.

Let's look at dresses first, shall we?

Option 1:

[caption id="attachment_172" align="aligncenter" width="112" caption="Flowers abound"][/caption]

I love this dress and luckily it's strechy because I've had it for many years. First bought for a wedding (Hi TrendyCamper!), it's a great summer dress that DD hasn't seen yet. I would probably accessorize it with red shoes and a red wrap. Is it perfect for a dinner on the links? Or still too summery?

Option 3:

[caption id="attachment_173" align="aligncenter" width="152" caption="Unwrap this number"][/caption]

I heart this wrap dress. The long sleeves make it appropriate for the season, and I tend to pair it with red peep-toe pumps, which sasses it up a bit. Can also be casual or dressy, which is appropriate for an event at a vague locale like a golf course. But, it's so versatile I wear it all the time and I feel like DD might like a change of pace.

And now, on to the skirts.

Option 4:

[caption id="attachment_174" align="aligncenter" width="112" caption="Pink power"][/caption]

This pencil skirt is my fave. You know how you have certain clothes that make you walk a certain way? This skirt does that. And I like the hot pink and brown. Another love are the boots, which are the shoe version of clothes that make you walk a certain way. They put that extra sass in my step (when I'm not tripping over the heel). But, do the short sleeves make it too summery? Are those boots too sassy for those conservative accountants?

Option 5:

[caption id="attachment_175" align="aligncenter" width="130" caption="Cardies are always appropo"][/caption]

Same skirt, same boots, new cardy. Appropriate for fall, and the cardy is quite bright and flattering to the figure. I'm kind of leaning toward this, but is it too boring? Do I need to be more dressy and less business-ey?

Option 6:

[caption id="attachment_176" align="aligncenter" width="175" caption="Flowers and cleavage"][/caption]

This is the newest outfit of the bunch, and hasn't been worn yet. It was a gift and when I first tried it on, it felt a bit unflattering. Upon re-evaluation, it's gaining on Option 5 in my book. I would obviously wear a cardy with it, and I like the cleavage it provides, but is it too much? And is it still to business-ey with a run-of-the-mill black skirt?

So? What do you think?

How do I let someone with a bad reputation in and allow my members-clients to be subject to something that could harm them? I don't want to do this, but I don't want to be the one person that doesn't believe in someone and give them a chance. Wow.. Decisions! I guess I will have to continue to speak to my mentors and get all the information I have and make the tough decision! God please give me discernment in this decision! Guide Me... Please prepare both of our attitudes and hearts before we speak!

God Speed!

I often wonder why my mother isn't like other normal mothers, who constantly call their child to see if they are fine, what time would they be home, nagging non-stop about the hours they get to see them a day. I often wonder why, besides my eldest sister, my family is stranger to me. I often wished I still have my dad to call when things goes wrong, when I have issues with my boyfriends, to smoke and drink with, to chide me when I go too far and so on.

What was it that went wrong after dad left?

I used to pity my mother, to feel hurt when she cries, to speak up for her when others says she's worthless. But now, I hardly could feel a thing. I hardly flinch when starts tearing. I am tired, extremely tired of trying to fix things and trying, trying, trying to make her understand. She finally pulled the string this morning, I packed a bag of clothing and necessities and told her straight in the face, I am moving out.

Truth to be told, I can't tell how grateful I am to have baby with me. I guess, he was my source of courage. Because I know no matter what happens, he'd stand by whatever decision I make. I guess, it's natural for me to feel a little lost right? Because I do. I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow, or even later. I have no solid plans but one thing for sure, I know I won't die without my mother and I am determined to prove her wrong.

But right now, I just need to clear the fog in my head a little.

I promised myself, if I ever have children of my own, I would love them with all my heart and soul.

Right now, I need to finish my studies, have dough in my bank for rainy days, and when its time, I'll fly to wherever the sky would take me to. And that, would be when I see brighter days.

Don't worry, I am not breaking down yet. It's not that easy.

Discouraged... Devastated... Despondent... Depressed? 

"Want to lead a life of Passion and Purpose... a life of Significance to others... to become the BEST YOU possible in every facet of your life? 

Study Today's Quote carefully.

It offers profound wisdom.

Who are you now?

Who are you becoming?

Be honest.

Do you trust yourself enough to enthusiastically pursue your dreams?

I find it interesting—no, empowering—to ask these questions.

Rarely do we find the time to ask ourselves the big, life-changing question:

What do I want to accomplish while I am here... how will I be remembered for who I've been?

Yes, the old cliche is true—this is the first day of the rest of your life.

What do you want to achieve this year... accomplishments that may have eluded you in the past?

My Greatest Dream Is:

Someday I will ____________________________

As you are thinking of the answer to these questions this is a great time to remind you that starting on Thursday, September 4 at 9PM EST right from you phone you can take the “30 Days to Live: A Life of No Regrets” Challenge! Click here for more info!

You see Tuesday at chapel we had a guest speaker. He preached something that hasn't left my mind since. He Preached on Martha and Mary in Luke Chapter 10. How Mary just sat at Jesus's feet listening. Listening to what he had to say to what she could learn. Then theres Martha she just worked to get everything ready. She went to Jesus and said Lord, Do you not care that my sister has let me to serve alone? Tell her to get up and help me. He just responded with Martha, Martha you are anxious and troubled about many things, but only one thing is neccessary mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.

Then after he read this He just asked how many times do we just go and complain to God. Alot. Or how many times are we just to busy for God. All our troubles and exciments get in the way of God. Then he talked about how Mary Just sat in silence and Just listened. She only focused on one thing and that was God. Then he talked about silence. How we hate it. There always has to be a noise. The silence is always awkward.

Then he had us sit in silence for a good maybe 15 mins or more at least thats what it seemed like. He challeneged us to just go to God everyday and insted of being busy and troubled. Just say God, speak to me and I will listen. Even if you dont say anything. I will. Then at the end of it all. He said we all have a choice to make this semister. That was are we going to be a Martha or a Mary.

Well I fought alot with myself and God. Because I just wanted to play the old ok heres what you take and heres what I'll keep. As well as the ok heres when I talk and heres when I listen. And Tonight I relized I cant do that. I dont want to be this stress ball anymore. I dont want to have my focus on a 100000000000000 different things. I want to be Mary. I am going to be a Mary. I should only have on focus and thats my lord and savior Jesus Christ. Hes my Lover, father, friend, lawyer, army, brother, sister, you name it thats what he is. And I should just listen. Because even in the word its says in

James 1:19 - Know this, my Beloved brothers; let every person be QUICK TO HEAR, SLOW TO SPEAK, AND SLOW TO ANGER.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 - a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence and a time to speak.

Proverbs 17:28 - Even a Fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips he is deemed intellegent.

Zephaniah 1:7 - Be slient before the Lord God! For the day of the LORD is near; the LORD has prepared a sacrifice and consecrated his guests.

And goodness gracious theres many more verses about this. But Im going to be try to be Mary. And just listen. He knows more then I could ever fatham. He knows the plan for my life. He knows where Im going and what Im going to be. I know this because look what happened I was supposed to go to DB now Im at BCF. Im going to listen. Its not going to be easy. I know its not. But I know its going to be worth my wildest dreams that I had. Because this is going to be so much better.

Then this morning at about 1am. I was out on the dock with Jessica. We were talking. About things I wont say in this. But I made another imporatant decision. I'm not looking for a man. Nope. Im not. My heavenly husband is amazing and I want to get so lost in him so that the man of my dreams has to seek God in order to find me.

I guess you could possibly say tonight was a big night for me. I felt a peace that I havent felt in a long time. I wasn't stressed, worried, ect. I was at peace. I dont know whats next in this plan God has set out for me. But I'm listening to hear what ever it is. And to run at it full force with God holding my hand. Yes, its obiviously easier said then done, but God has put some amazing people in my life to help me. God is amazing. He is. But insted of asking I'm going to listen until I need to speak.

We are not a product of environment, but rather, the decisions we make within it.

However, I realized there was one blog topic from the good old days that could use some input from this blogosphere.

And that topic? Is about bras. Strapless bras to be exact.

I've been thinking about this since mcgee wrote a post mentioning strapless bras, because they present quite an undergarment conundrum. I had just discovered her blog and was so excited that I could offer her the same strapless bra nirvana I'd found just two short years ago (and subsequently blogged about on MySpace). I rushed over to the Web site, which of course I'd favorited, and prepared to send her the link. I could only gasp in disbelief as the site loaded and I saw the dreaded:

Sorry, this style is no longer available.

Why, oh why, did I only buy one? It took me months of searching and a trip all the way to the Australian Internets to find that bra. And it's fabulous. With this revelation, I've moved from blogging odes about fabulous Australian bras, to searching for a replacement. 

First, let's look at the many options available to the women of today. All photos were taken from Bare Necessities. In my 10+ years of experience with this undergarment, I've found 4 or 5 standard styles:

Option 1:

This is of course the most common and ranges in varying plunge lines and push-up-ness. However, I don't understand how it could possibly be popular. The only pro is that is has underwire, which is critical for me. But, they say it goes up to a G cup, yet my C's have never had any luck keeping one of these up. It slips, it slides, and it gaps out so there's an inevitable space between the lovely ladies and the top of the bra. Doesn't really work for that whole seamless look I strive for. Variations of this bra also include degrees of push-up, which I could really do without. I feel that just gives less space for the actual ladies to breathe, and makes me look pornographic. Which is fine, just not at fancy cocktail parties with accountants.

Option 2:

Ah, the bandeau. How I love thee. You are very seamless, and you get rid of that whole pesky slipping and gapping thing with your elastic on the bottom AND top. However, 99% of every bandeau bra I see lacks underwire. And for me, that's a dealbreaker.

Option 3:

Yes, the model looks all smiley and happy, but that's just because she can't exhale to move her mouth into a different position. They call it a long-line, maybe to make you think it's slimming you up into one "long line" while keeping the ladies perky. The last time I wore a bra like this was my junior prom and that's not long enough. My stomach needs to breathe y'all, and with this bra I'd love the slimming and perking factor right up to the moment I eat a piece of popcorn. And then I'd have to run screaming from the room and tear it off because the popcorn digestion process would have exceeded the allowable space of my bra.

Option 4:

[caption id="attachment_159" align="alignnone" width="136" caption="The combination pack"][/caption]

Why the Dare?  Well here was my thought process and a peak behind the madness that is Brian Crisman.  And another example of how God gives us little gifts.

It all started when I got an early upgrade offer from Verizon.  $50 off the price and a $50 mail-in rebate.  I'd already decided to upgrade when I could and had been saving my birthday money.  Originally, I wanted a smart phone so that I could stop carrying around a PDA, a cell phone, and an iPod, and I wanted a full keyboard for texting.  Since I can't afford an iPhone, I thought I would go with a Palm phone.  The only one I could afford with my saved birthday money was way to small.  I could only hit the keys with my fingernails.  Cut those and I'm in trouble.  The more expensive ones were huge, anyway, and I wouldn't want to carry one of those around.  That would be like one of those guys we made fun of in middle school who wore the huge G-Shock watch while everyone else wore Swatches (remember those?).  I had the cool Coke watch with the tuxedo guy and a can of Coke.  Anyway, where was I?  O, so smart phones were out of the picture.  Then, I tried the Dare.  It was love at first sight.  Touch screen.  A 3.2 megapixel camera and 640x480 video.  Perfect for blogging.  The price, not bad.  With my discount offer, my saved birthday money, and the money Sonya had wanted to spend on me, it was in reach.  But, it won't sync with Microsoft Outlook.  So, I had a big decision to make.  Two paths diverged in a cell phone store.  One went to media euphoria, the other to Outlook paradise.  I labored.  I lost sleep.  I wrestled.  Yes, I prayed.  I take everything to God.

So, here's the short of it.  I decided on the Dare.  Even minutes before, I was doubting myself.  When I went to the store, my guy wasn't there so the boss helped me all the while assuring me that my guy would get the credit.  He also assured me that he would match the original deal (which was only intended for the online store).  When he rang up my purchase, he'd actually given me a much better deal.  I didn't spend but a few dollars more than my saved money.  God is good.  And besides the fact that Kate woke us up like 12 times last night, I slept in peace.  Thank you God.  You are so good.

And for you critics out there, I tried to take a much better picture this time.

Brian

The next time you find yourself talking for any period of time, or even thinking about something for more than a few minutes, simply stop. Ask yourself: "Where did this thought start?" "Have I had this thought before?" "Have I already examined this concept at length?"

Imagine all the time we spend on thoughts that just aren't taking us anywhere new and interesting. How many times have you had the same conversation?

Make a habit of stopping yourself to check in. Steer your thoughts or your conversation in new directions. Make room for new ideas by recognizing and interrupting repetitive thoughts, and you'll make huge strides toward becoming a more excellent thinker. I challenge you to "pay attention" to your thoughts and especially any negative thoughts. Interrupt the pattern.

#2 Appreciate the Quiet.

Think about the last time you just embraced the quiet. We are usually on the phone in our cars, listening to music and we rarely embrace the quiet.

Learn to appreciate those moments during the day when you have no choice but to be silent and patient. Waiting for your email to download? Standing in line at the checkout? Riding in an elevator? Fill the quiet with observations.  Look around. Listen. Be present in the moment. Again, pay attention.

#3 Define Your Life Philosophy.

A defined life philosophy serves as a road map. It gives you landmarks to recognize, navigation tools to guide you, and a clear destination. Just like the greatest road trips, you may end up going in a completely new direction that's nowhere on that original map. That's okay. But knowing your starting point is the most crucial part of any journey. Take some time to delve deeply into what you think and feel about life.

(on this point is a great time to remind you about our "One Month to Live; A Life of No Regrets Challenge" we are starting on Thursday, September 4^th! Click here for more info.

Reprinted from Dale Smith Thomas

]]> http://channelzen.wordpress.com/?p=276 Wed, 27 Aug 2008 09:39:53 +0000 markeu http://channelzen.wordpress.com/?p=276 [/caption]

I have just moved to Jersey after 5 years of living and working in Japan. The first few years there, I was able to take care of myself fairly well, since my work was either in small towns or in factories deep in the countryside.

I went to Japan with the intention of helping the Japanese do business with the rest of the world, since I admired their traditional culture and the subtlety of their forms of communication. While in the smaller cities, I was able to achieve some kind of balance between work and personal life, getting out to enjoy the countryside when I could, visiting historical places etc. Then work, and a new relationship changed all that and I moved to big city Japan.

I spent the last two years living and working in Tokyo, and for me, entering the life of your average Japanese company worker living in the big concrete jungle, it was hard to balance taking care of myself with 12 hours of the day either committed to work or commuting back and forth.

I watched my health go from great to bad very fast. Ten hours plus a day sitting at a desk, with the expectation to work longer always in the back of my colleague’s minds, I arrived home exhausted and found it basically impossible to take care of myself. For someone used to regular runs and gym sessions, this, plus the incredible stresses I took on at work being the lone foreigner in the company, basically transformed me into an overweight, overworked and very unfit man.

Luckily, I had my practice, which I did every day on waking. It got to the point when pains started appearing in my body and the organs that I have this life-long contract with started to complain, loudly.

It was at that time that I started plotting my escape. I continued performing my job as best I could, and the sales figures just get climbing. The end of each month, the other salespeople would look at me to bolster the department sales figures, and I did, month after month. How I did it? Treat customers like people. Talk to them, not at them. But it took everything out of me.

My Buddhist teacher invited me to a teaching outside Japan, and I just couldn’t go. First, I didn’t have the money, and secondly there was no way that I could get time off work or my colleagues would understand why the gaijin was disappearing off. So what did my teacher do? He came to see me.

We met in Koya San, after not seeing each other for eight years, and in one look he had me sized up. “You look tired.” A laugh, some nice walks in the mountains, no judgmental comments, just enough space for me to really decide what I needed to do for myself. I was introduced to some Japanese monks, who were like a breath of fresh air. Just when I had thought that modern day Japan was utterly spiritually dead…

And it was formed strongly in my mind, the decision to leave. To risk everything that I had accomplished in Japan, for a more balanced and healthy lifestyle, where I could enjoy my life, practice and partner more fully.

My girlfriend supported me all through this, she didn’t judge me, just acknowledged that I didn’t really fit the Tokyo lifestyle, and we started to make plans for living outside Japan. And so here I am, and she is preparing her first trip outside Japan to see what the big world is like.

I have moved, and the company decided to keep me on as a regional consultant. Its only part time, but it helps me keep in contact with the business friends I have made from Japan, and gives me time each day to consider my future course. I am blessed.

I don’t have a gym to go to, so all exercise is based either off regular physical activities or whatever I can make up. So I am using just my bodyweight to train with at the moment, following this rather interesting Russian method…and rather samurai-like in content and attitude. That, plus regular runs along the beach, and bike rides in the country side gasping at plenty of fresh air, I have already started shedding the pounds. I just wish I could bring to people of Tokyo with me here to give them a taste of what real quality of life is about…

Once again, I am learning to listen to my body and feel myself in it after being disembodied for so long. Small, steady steps are all I need.

So yes, I struggle just like you, and try to keep sacred my beginners mind.

Peace to you.

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Behind double-glazed frosted glass, plans made and decisions taken. If only they knew . . .!

I was surprised to see how many classmates i have in the class. I was expecting about 20 some..but we were like 38 in class.

Waking up in the morning will be the hardest part that i have to deal with since I get off work at 1am..and can't sleep until about 4-5am. My class start at 930 am..How can i do it...?? I dont know but i'll try. And also i was giving up one day of my part time job ..so I'm only going to work 2 nights a week. Its sad since i needed the extra cash i get there for my extra shopping :) Oh well..gotta do what i gotta do. I can't have it  all right?

After class i went to the registrars  office  to see if I can submit my transcript for evaluation but the wait is too much the sleepy me to handle.. I just hope i can do it next week cause I'm so  eager to know if I can get some credits from my Bachelors in the PI so then it would have been less subjects to take.. I also have to  apply for student loans and stuff..it will definitely help me with my plans .

As expected, Cris is not a big fan of my "back to school" decision since his still dissappointed that I haven't even finish my dealing class and  now I'm enrolled in another class. I cant say anything right now to even back myself up...I can just do my best and hope that I'll work out. Right baby!!?? 

On the lighter side..Im excited this coming weekend cause I get to spend time with my love ones...and do some fun stuff together. Can't wait till Friday!

C, my ex and best friend, appears to be pursuing me again. My most recent crush has taken me on my first double date in over a year, on here I call him D. I think I know what will make me happiest but I have a horrible tendency of changing my mind.

I really have no one to talk over the situation with. No one will ever see the world through your eyes. I have a room-mate but she doesn't understand my situation. You can never tell if someone has felt as you have once felt, but the laws of nature train you to believe that no one is like you that you are a snowflake. I don't believe we are all completely different, and unique.

Should I follow my heart even though it may lead me back down a path I have already travel, or should I encourage my heart to look else where? You may not be able to choose who you love but maybe I could aim my affections to either say inside to go else where.

I think D is different because I feel like there is something on the line to gain or to loose.

During the day C gets upset so easily but he has a way of seducing me when the sun goes down. I want just to lye with him. I miss cuddling; I have never thought myself much for cuddling but I still want to.

I have such horrible nightmares that visit me regularly. I now don't dread the nightmare, I expect them. They have almost become a measure of how deeply I slept. Company I know I should not depend on but slowly realizing how comforting another can be if you let them.

I love my independent personality. I don't want to lose it. I'm happy, but lonely.

Why so young am I tired of getting hurt by the way others drop me?