it began as an innocent idea. then idea was transformed into a faint urge. then the urge got a little stronger. then the need to see it became so intense i couldn't fight anymore. so i took a peek. one eye first. then the other. i saw lines. and more lines of text so i decided to stop peeking and start seriously reading. with both eyes. with both eyes widely open, words swam into me. with both eyes widely opened so i wouldn't miss a single word. and while those both eyes were widely open, my heart was silently shattered.

saaad. and it was nobody's fault but mine. i purposely ignored the red light warning to stop nosing. i purposely seeked for the pain. i knew it would hurt. a lot. yet i still went to that page.

promise i wont go there. ever again. [and while i am saying this, i know that sooner or later, the promise will have to be broken].

kumuha lang ako ng bato na ipupukpok ko sa ulo.

I feel much lighter, as though all I've been carrying with me, has been lifted. As far as my eyes can see, my road is straight. The distance is long, but there are no obstacles in my way. I can walk more freely now. My steps are no longer wobbly. They are more steady. I may not know where I'm headed, but there's no doubt in my mind, that I will eventually get there.

I have never felt this way before in my entire adult life. I couldn't figure out what all this meant, so I decided to look up the meaning of “inner peace” and this is what I found...

Inner peace refers to a state of being mentally and spiritually at peace, with enough knowledge and understanding to keep oneself strong in the face of discord or stress. Being “at peace” is considered by many to be healthy and the opposite of being stressed or anxious.

Even though I may not have an answer as to why I feel this way, its a good feeling, and one I hope that lasts for as long as it can.

As far as I'm concerned, International law is close to that of the states. After talking with an Attorney the other day, I figured that it was strange about appearing before a judge to allow him to rule on the best interest of our daughter and where she should live, without filing for a divorce or legal separation first. In the back of my mind, I thought this was very unusual but then again, laws I have ran across, during my time here, are very different from that of the states. So I basically just went along with it, thinking I just might have a chance.

When my Attorney called me today, she told me that it was best to file for a divorce before taking this matter to court. I would be able to provide my request for divorce as a reason for leaving the country. If I go before the judge without applying for a divorce, then I would have to prove that me and H are not mentally connected in any way. Now how does one prove that? Personally, I believe that whether or not I file, a judge would state it is in the best interest of our daughter that I remain in the country, so she can be closer to her father.

To help the judge come to a decision, he would basically look at our daughter's environment and relationship she has with H family, since I have no family here. Being that this is the only criteria the judge will use, I have no chance at all. H family and this country is all our daughter has ever known. Not to mention that in September, she will start school here. She will finally be settled with a complete life. Not only with family, but with friends as well. No judge in his right state of mind will grant me custody of our daughter to move her half way around the world, away from everyone and everything she has every known.

Months ago I had discussed divorce with my Attorney and it was not recommended due to the time it would take, the long custody battle and the cost. That is when we came to the mutual agreement regarding the custody. If I were to file for a divorce now, my first hearing date will be some time in 2010. From that point, it will take any where from three months to over a year for the judge to make his decision regarding custody of our daughter. All the while, I would have to remain in this country during the entire process. That will take over a year, if not two years, before all will be said and done. And at that time, my daughter will be seven years old.

My Attorney did come up with the idea of joint custody. Our daughter would spend six months out of the year with me and the six months with H. I told her H would never agree to that. She then asked me if I thought H would actually file kidnapping charges against me. I told her he has said so in the past which prevented me from leaving the first time and even if he would not so as soon as I left, it would eventually be done. She then wanted to know what kind of options H gave me and I told her, I can either stay in this marriage with him and raise our daughter together or I can leave without her. She was silent. She couldn't believe it.

Basically, I don't have a 50/50 chance here. In fact, I have no chance at all. As time goes by, I lose my daughter more and more. H knows he has me exactly where he wants me. It is so unfair that H chose to ruin our marriage with his infidelity, doesn't want to save what we could have had and now I'm faced with him taking my daughter from me as well. H won all the way around. Now ,with the information I have gathered regarding my situation, it will be up to me to decide what I'm going to do and it doesn't look good.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Next: Inner peace

...was uttered on a recent visit I had with an older couple from my church, in their home, on a HOT summer day. At the conclusion of the visit, I prayed. Then the wife prayed. The husband then began his concluding prayer, and early in his conversation to the Triune God, uttered these unforgettable words...

"And thank you Father that Pastor Tim wore shorts!!!"

And, YES, we all began to laugh in our communion and talk with God uproariously!! Ha-Ha!! The "white elephant" in the room was revealed and he was not as big, or mean, or as visible a creature as we had all suspected! Someone had whispered a HUGE lie to each of us in that room that it was not possible to REALLY relate with the Father, Son and Spirit, and with each other, without our "religious robes" on, and we "Elephant stomped" him with laughter!!

If you have ever gone to meet with the church, almost anywhere, I am sure you have wrestled with this dilemma, too: "What should I wear? (because of what you believe others will think!)" versus "But here is what I REALLY want to wear so that I can BE ME and be comfortable!"

As much as I am learning to live in the Freedom of the Good News of Jesus, I am also learning to put off religion at the same time, and it is a real struggle! Yes, this story has a back story riddled with struggle, and that is why we all laughed in a very relieving and freeing way after that man's prayer!

You see, it was HOT in Virginia that day, and it was a Saturday. Not a day of suits and tuxedos, but a day of shorts, pajamas and relationship with family. I got dressed in the spirit of the day and prepared to go and meet these members of my extended local church family! All is well and good, right? Unfortunately no!

What started out as a growing religious whisper soon turned into a condemning SHOUT, "You are a Pastor! These people are older! You can't wear shorts! You know the Apostle Paul - 'You are free to do all things but all things are not profitable!' Those long pants over there are what would be most acceptable for pastors in this situation. AND what if they happen to have family members visiting them who attend other churches?!" I even went so far as to ask my lovely wife what she thought, and she was at least free enough from the Senior Pastor role I play to say "I think you are fine!" Whew! Thank you for a wife filled with freedom from the typical expectations of that Senior Pastor family role, Jesus!!! :-)

So, off I went, BUT not in complete peace I am sorry to say! Oh how persistent the lie is! All the long highway there, the thought kept creeping back into my mind that I might not have on appropriate clothing (a suit or long pants versus the nice shorts and shirt I was wearing on that hot Virginia day. And, after all, my shorts did come down to my knees! Ha-Ha!! :-) ) .

The One good thing about that trip is that it was a struggle BECAUSE Jesus was with me and kept saying that everything was well and for me to stop "Future Trippin!" After all, Jesus whispered in the Gospel, "If I could lower myself to the status of a REAL human being in fallen flesh, and remain fully human forever for your sake (everyone's sake), couldn't I help you bear the potential scorn of others that may come from wearing a pair of shorts instead of other more acceptable religious robing?!!" Of course, He could!  And, of course, in His unceasing Grace he DID and DOES!! Hebrews 13:13!

Finally, I arrived at their home. I got out of the car and walked up to the door. I rang the doorbell and heard a friendly shout that said, "come in Pastor Tim, we're in the back"! I walked in the room where I joyfully, delightfully and in the freedom of Jesus, observed that the couple was WEARING SHORTS, too!!!! On the inside of myself I think I went into every religious tradition I had ever been exposed too, "Hallelujah!!" "Praise you Jesus!" "Thank ya! Thank ya!" "We believe in One God, the Father...". I think I even spoke a few things in tongues (my mom and dad used to be Pentecostal),"Rondodo seekamathos rrrrondeedeehey nononoko - translation  = Shorts! Shorts!! Shorts!!! Shorts!!!!" Ha-Ha!! :-)

As happy as I was (and as happy as I found out they were later), the invisible, lying, "elephant" was still hiding behind our good conversation about the Gospel, our families, the Gospel, our challenges, the Gospel, our dreams, the Gospel, our church and denomination, and the Gospel! Finally, before leaving we prayed together and Jesus exposed the lie, shared his freedom with us, and let us off the hook by praying in and through the man: "And thank you God that Pastor Tim wore shorts!!!"

After finishing his prayer we all clapped and tore that lying "elephant" to pieces! We each shared our stories about wanting to participate in the freedom of Jesus and wear shorts but were somewhat hindered by wondering what the others would think! Evil creatures had whispered lies and placed burdens on our souls, saying we could not share in the freedom of godly relationship without a certain type of religious and traditional clothing on, but the lie was exposed and crushed in the prayer and laughter of Jesus!!

So, here is the BIG question: Why is the type and style of clothing we wear such a relational barrier in the light of our forever inclusion and acceptance in the life of the Father, Son and Spirit in Jesus Christ? How is it that humanity has gone all the way from the liberating freedom of fellowshipping with the Father in complete nakedness, and without shame, to being concerned about clothing and hiding at every point? Gen 2:21 - 3:13!

The answer is: we have all sinned and think wrongly about Who God is! Romans 3:9-11! Our perspective about Who Jesus is and Who we are in Him has gotten cloudy and dark! John 1:5! 

Now, don't get me wrong, I am NOT advocating that we should wear no clothing!! :-)  I think that clothing is appropriate to wear under our circumstances. Wearing clothing is actually a type of open admission that we REALLY are sinners and personally don't have a proper perspective of God in and of ourselves! Yet, as we believe the Good News of Jesus, in our clothing (of whatever type), we can know that we are still included and adopted into the life of God, in Jesus, even IN OUR DARKNESS!! Hebrews 2:14-18

Fast forward to the other day when I told him it was over. I had had enough. I drew my line and was going to leave. He didn't shed one tear. He did not tell me he loved me. He only could tell me he wasn't ready to lose me. <----- I still don't know what that means.

What kind of man wouldn't do all he can to save his marriage, that is if he truly wants it?

What kind of man cannot express love, much less use the word verbally?

What kind of man cannot shed a tear seeing the destruction he has caused, the hurt he inflicted upon the one he claimed he love, and the life he will lose as a result?

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Next: International law prevents me from leaving

...is the lie of believing that you are separated from God and that the Father's face toward you has changed! Believing that lie has actually done GREAT damage in your life and mine!

We have all believed it for so long, we can hardly believe the Truth. But the truth of the matter is, when we believe lies, we experience lies. When we believe Truth, we experience the Truth (even in the middle of a pack of lies! John 8:32)!

So what do you WANT to experience?!

I can pretty much guarantee that if something in your life is not good and right, it stems from you and others believing lies instead of believing the Good News that you (and we) are, and always have been, secure and adopted in God the Son!! That's a fact in Jesus!

Sometimes this Good News seems so unbelievable because we human beings think and act so poorly toward one another, and toward God, but the Father, Son and Spirit assure us that His character never changes! Mal 3:6, Heb 13:8!

I urge you, along with the Holy Spirit,  to rethink and believe this Good News! Believing this truth allows you to experience the greatest longing you have in your life....ASSURANCE!! Deep down, you want to KNOW that you are unconditionally loved, liked, accepted, celebrated, and wanted, and that is EXACTLY how God the Trinity thinks and feels about YOU now, and always will!!! Romans 5:6-11, 8:31-39!

Deep inside you already know this, and that is why hope springs up in your heart when things like what I am saying are written or spoken! The Light of Jesus is stronger than everything else and cannot be put out because of our darkness! John 1:3-5! We were all created to know, hear and experience the truth that everything is going to be alright, and in Christ everything IS and WILL BE alright!

So don't let those harsh attitudes or adamant faces fool you! People often act in harsh ways when they have been enveloped in a world primarily proclaiming their exclusion in one way or another! They are acting this way for one reason: They ARE included - and because the word of exclusion, or the lie, is so painful and unbearable, we must do something to avoid it at all costs - hence the sour, mean and blank expressions that "shield" us from the suffering! You remember (know) what that is like!

I conclude with these encouraging words from Paul's letter to the Colossians in The Message translation of the Bible by Eugene Peterson:

"26 This mystery has been kept in the dark for a long time, but now it's out in the open. 27 God wanted everyone, not just Jews, to know this rich and glorious secret inside and out, regardless of their background, regardless of their religious standing. The mystery in a nutshell is just this: Christ is in you, therefore you can look forward to sharing in God's glory. It's that simple. That is the substance of our Message. 28 We preach Christ, warning people not to add to the Message. We teach in a spirit of profound common sense so that we can bring each person to maturity. To be mature is to be basic. Christ! No more, no less. 29 That's what I'm working so hard at day after day, year after year, doing my best with the energy God so generously gives me."

Next week our Attorney will be contacting me to give me a heads up on what needs to be done in order to proceed. So all I can do over the weekend, is just wait.

H did not think I was serious last night when I told him it was over. He was taking things very lightly today. So much in fact, that he was acting as though I never said anything at all. In order to let him know how serious I was, I went ahead and told him that I contacted the Attorney's office and what was said. He grew very upset and stormed out of the room.

Later in the evening, when husband was in the office, he turned to me and said, “Are you pushing me?”.

“Pushing you to do what?”, I ask

“Pushing me to show my feelings,” he said

“No. If I haven't been able to get you to show me your feelings over the last seven months, what makes me think I can do so now. I'm not pushing you. I don't want anything from you.”

If there is anything I have learned in the past seven months is that asking for something, that is not there to give, has gotten me no where. I highly doubt that this is considered pushing and if it is, I know it won't get him to do anything he is not ready to do.

Just as I was leaving the office, H told him that our daughter does not want to live in the states. She would like to go for a visit but not to live there. Sadly, I know this to be true. Even though she is almost five, this is the only life she has ever known. I know that children bounce back very easily and she will adjust after some time. But still, I can't help but wonder what kind of impact it will have on her life.

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Next: Save up all your tears

As I begun to write this, I remembered a post I wrote here back in December about this very thing. When I went back and read the post, it proved to me that we have not come very far since that day. I saw exactly what I had known all along. I have finally come to realize that there is no hope here. It took me stepping outside my situation and looking in, to see what I had feared for so long.

Over the last month, I have been going through changes. At first, I started feeling less and less love for H, until it finally faded away. Then I started realizing that I no longer had to take all he was dishing out. I put my foot down with what he needed to do in order for me to stay and make this marriage work. He done a couple of things immediately but left it at that. The three hardest things for him to do, was show remorse, show his love and help me with my self esteem issue. He just cannot bring himself to help the one he hurt here and that in itself tells me all I need to know.

I get a special thrill when my youngest daughter, Autumn, calls me "out of the blue" to ask me when I am coming home and has to know the exact time, place and manner so that she can hold me accountable! On this trip, she got a special chuckle out my response that I would be flying home but that it might take a long, long, time because my arms would get plenty tired, and I would need to make many stops! Oh the genuine and spontaneous laughter of the Holy Spirit expressing itself in a young girl at her father's corny joke! Can there be anything more innocent, refreshing and beautiful?! Hardly! Ha-Ha! :-) I KNOW there is a God who laughs!!

Because of plane delays, more stops than usual, or just plain slowness on my part, I don't always make it home exactly when I say I am going to be there. Autumn will ring my phone often to express her anticipation and sadness, and we are so included in each other in Jesus that I KNOW before looking at the phone that it is her calling me! Talk about being "hooked up"! Even though I am not late on purpose, I have to admit loving her anticipation AND disappointment as both of those emotions scream and shout much love into my soul!! Ha-Ha! Oh, Yes! To be missed and wanted (don't misunderstand, my wife and other child express the same things, but I am trying to get to a special point in this story about Autumn:-) )

On this particular day, I was right on time. On the last phone call before I got on the return flight home, I had told Autumn that I should be home around 7:30pm. As I pulled the van into my neighborhood I saw that I was going to be right on time as promised, and looking back, boy am I glad I was! Just as I expected, and hoped, Autumn was in the yard and the smiles on her face and mine were beaming as bright as the sun! It was what I DIDN'T expect that really thrilled and overwhelmed me! Three of Autumn's neighborhood friends were smiling, clapping, jumping and dancing with her at my return home!

No kidding! Autumn's friends were as happy as she was! They were jumping up and down so excitedly in the driveway that I had to honk the horn for their safety! They were literally swooping on and around the van as I was still driving! They could not contain their excitement! I am not joking when I say that each one of them were looking at me as if I was their personal daddy coming home from a long trip away, and each shouting as gloriously!! There were quite a few people out in the neighborhood and they could all see and HEAR, if not feel, this overwhelming love and welcome!

I couldn't wait to open the door and especially hug my daughter, but it wasn't to be! Her three girlfriends had beat Autumn to the door, and as I opened it, I got bumrushed with a giggling, neighborly armful of Jesus love in the warm hugs of those young ladies! They were ALL saying things like "Daddy!!" "We Love You!", "We Missed You!!". (Okay. My eyes are watering again - give me  sec. to recoup)! Alright I'm back! :-) Three of the girls had so crowded out the other, and I was so caught up in the inclusive love of Jesus, that I shouted aloud in the Spirit, "Okay, we have to get everyone in the circle this hug to be complete!" (wonder where I get talk like that?! Hmmmm?!) Looking back, I realize that Autumn was not sad at all at being on the far side of the circle, but was thrilled to see her friends sharing in it! I remember this same thing occuring with my dad and others but that will be for another blog post!

Believe me when I say, it had to be Autumn's shared love, COMING FROM JESUS, that was the result of all of this.....because....I hardly know the other three girls at all!!! I mean REALLY KNOW them! They are around often enough for me to know their names, but I honestly do not relate with them even an hour in any given week, and usually I am saying things like, "Time to go home", "Autumn can't come out until she finishes her chores!", "Make sure you all pick up all of those sticks out of the yard when you're done playing with them!", or "Ya'll be quiet down there while I record this commercial, and if you don't quiet down you're going to have to go outside!" It really is the sad truth!

But that is what makes this real life story all the more shocking! With that kind of small interaction, and sometimes negative relationship, what can account for those girls expressing the EXACT same love and sentiment toward me, as Autumn showed? There is only one, fundamental and satisfactory explanation to me. The Father, Son and Spirit love and like me, and each of those children and everyone else! And through the special relationship the Father has with Autumn, in Jesus, she shared in his feelings for me in such a mysterious and inclusive way, that it rubbed off on all of her friends, and ended up as a shower of love on me!!

I am sure that while I was gone, Autumn talked to her friends MUCH about how she missed me, and how long it had been since I had been gone, and her fear that I might not come back home (she's a little RELATIONAL worrier!) She is so in union and open with her friends that I believe they began to feel what she felt until they felt the exact same way after 8 days of my absence. Interestingly, yes, each of these young ladies (except my daughter) lacks a father in the home, so it would have been even easier for them to pick up on and yearn with my daughters exact yearnings for the person they so dearly miss in their own life!

This story has evoked such a permanent and lasting good memory that I long for it to happen again! And right when I began to sit under a cloud of negative thinking, saying, "I'll bet this kind of awesome thing will probably never happen to me again", I remember the last words I heard before I entered the house that day after receiving those hugs. It was uttered by one of the girls who was not my daughter, and she said emphatically and seriously:

"Don't you ever leave us for that long again!!!"

I think she has convinced me that I can look forward to much more of this if I am ever gone that long again! :-)  Thank you for the hope and reality of an eternity of love with you and everyone Jesus!!

What would you do if, all of a sudden, your favorite source of books was unavailable?

Whether it’s a local book shop, your town library, or an Internet shop … what would you do if, suddenly, they were out of business? Devastatingly, and with no warning? Where would you go for books instead? What would you do? If it was a local business you would try to help out the owners? Would you just calmly start buyingfrom some other store? Visit the library in the next town instead? Would it be devastating? Or just a blip in your reading habit?

Let's see... my favorite place to go for books is the Internet.  Requesting ARCs and reviewer copies from the Publishers and authors and accepting them from the same, as well.  When it comes to the idea of the  Internet suddenly going out of business, I think I'm safe.   Barring the EMP that results from nuclear war, I don't think I have to worry about the 'net going away without warning.

HOWEVER, if I don't pay my bill, I could lose my access at home.  Mild withdraw might ensue (probably wouldensue), but there is still the library's computer farm.  One hour a day, surrounded by pimply-faced, obnoxiously loud teenagers whose favorite phrases are, "dude! that's so gay," and "you're an F-ing A-hole (without the hyphens.. you know what I mean)", and whose favorite site is YouTube.  These little "patrons" are why our local library had to hire an off-duty police officer to patrol the library, but that is a rant for another day.

Back to the question at hand... in the interest of full participation, I'm going to use a more likely scenario.  What if Borders suddenly, and without warning, shut down my Waldenbooks?  That would seriously suck.  I would be forced to troll the Wal-mart book rack for the new releases (have you seen their "selection"?), or pay full sticker at the grocery store... YIKES!  I ain't paid $30 for a new book since college!  I get pissy about it if I have to pay $15 (like Kafka on the Shore, which I still have not read, and I think I had a coupon for THAT, too.   I would be forced to waiting and hoping for it to pop up on BookMooch or PBS, and now with the new reserve system on BM I might never see one.

Thanks for this question.... now I'll have nightmares for a week.  My one consolation is that Mt. TBR would keep me in the read for a year or so, long enough for a Books-a-million to move to town (not likely, since there's a store 30 minutes away, and people in my town will drive there).

Don't forget to sign up to win a $20 Borders gift card!

As I read this man's story, my heart sank. I put myself in the his situation if only for a minute. I realized that this could be me if I stayed and continued on this dead end road. If we are not moving forward now, where will we be in three years? I can only assume, we will be in the exact same place we are now. The only difference is that we will have gained three years in age.

I don't want to waste my life with a man who doesn't “get it” by telling me he doesn't know what remorse is. He may tell me he is sorry when I ask him to, but that doesn't really mean anything if it doesn't come from the heart. He may take care of me, but without the love to make this marriage work, we are just co-existing together. What kind of marriage could this ever be?

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Next: The hope is gone

Isn't that a GREAT shorthand way of proclaiming the Good News of Jesus Christ?

St. Irenaeus, an early church Father, used a fancy but accurate theological word to describe the Gospel - "Divinization". By this he meant that the plan of the Father, Son and Spirit was that we become ever more divine. He didn't meant that we would become God as God is God. He meant that what the Son had become in Jesus Christ, as a human being, was his design for our humanity, too!

St. Athanasius clarified this concept of divinization further by writing, "He deified men by Himself becoming man'' (Orat 1.38; Kelly 378). ``He deified that which He put on'' (Orat 1.42; Robertson 331). ``Being God, He [the Son] has taken to Him the flesh, and being in the flesh deifies the flesh'' (Orat 3.38; Robertson 414). Athanasius usually includes a qualifier or a conditional tense, but the above three quotes simply state it as fact that all humanity has been deified by the incarnation. Human nature has been altered by the fact that the Son of God was once in union with it. The underlying assumption is that there has been some communication of properties, and this assumption is in accordance with Platonic thought.^25"

The Apostle Paul put it this way in the book of Ephesians (The Message version):

"3 How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. 4 Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. 5 Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) 6 He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son. 7 Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we're a free people - free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free!"

The SouthWest airline napkin is summarizing this particular scripture passage very well by stating in its own way, "Get there. Get it Done. Get Back." Paul is letting us know that the Father planned to have us with Him, in and through Jesus Christ, before we could ever sin AND despite our sin. Can't you see and hear the heart of the Father in these scriptures?:

1.) "Get there!" Humanity is created and cannot become uncreated, therefore, we will need to sacrifice ourselves in a new way and become a part of creation in order to have them relate with us as we really are.

2.) "Get it Done!" Adopt them into our relationship at just the right time, and while you are at it, Son, undo their corrupt way of thinking and living (sin) so that they will not only be adopted but be adopted as we originally intended! I want you to embrace them so tightly that it will be impossible for them to escape our grasp, even if they hurt themselves trying to reject and oppose it!

3.) "Get Back!" I want them with me and I want this done as quickly as possible, Son! 33-45 years will be enough time for you to cut through all the "red tape" of their messy thinking, kill their death, raise them all up to our whole life in you, and ascend with them to the very center of this relationship, forever adopted!

We celebrate communion with this in mind, EVERY WEEK, as Jesus remembers this actual event in His God/Man Life and shares His remembering with us! He reminds us that he is forever human, and we are forever and divinely human in his humanity!

The symbols of bread and wine (or grape juice) that we use are more than mere symbols because Jesus is somehow, mysteriously, present in all things, including the sacraments!!! Ephesians 1:23! As we take these signs of his presence into our bodies, we are reminded of how much Jesus is present and lives, NOW, in all of humanity's minds and bodies! We remember that Jesus is in his Father, we are in Him, and he is in us and that he is here communing with all of us right now!! John 14:20!

Now do you see why many of us are so enthusiastic to gather around this ceremony as often as we can?! 1 Corinthians 11:23-26! Good Gravy - Communion service is not about religion at all! We are simply participating with Jesus in remembering the truth of our inclusion and adoption into the Life of God, in Him, solely by God's Grace, and we WANT to celebrate and remember it 24/7!!!

Interestingly enough, the back of the SouthWest napkin said the following: "DING! The only thing better than finding a low fare is a low fare finding you." That truly rung my Gospel bell and I proclaimed to my congregation during the communion service that "The only thing better than finding grace, is grace finding you, and the only thing better than finding Jesus is knowing that Jesus found you 2000 years ago, and we have all been included in the Life of the Triune God since!"

(Don't bring up a bunch of silly talk about "cheap grace" either! Grace is actually cheaper than cheap! It's totally FREE!!! :-) )

Well, for those who are willing to see it, there is the proclamation of the Good News of Jesus Christ printed on a SouthWest napkin, in which Jesus is somehow, mysteriously, PRESENT!! :-) Ephesians 4:10!

I have had a rough couple of days. I’ve been watching music videos as I always tend to do when I’m down. I found this one which best describes where I’m at right now.

And this one…”In my Daughter’s eyes”. My daughter gives me all the strength I need.

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Next: What kind of marriage could this ever be

erase from time
these memories past
replace in form
beginning to last

from east to west
the winds blow strong
the path of wisdom
twisted and long

into the darkness
from now to then
reveals a heart
an aching when

such things in life
come to pass
once you fall
through the looking glass

the ride so sweet
yet always down
twisting minds
down and around

to the point of being
deep within
the ones that masked
diabolical sin

of tortured minds
and tortured souls
break to pieces
is their goal

to hide inside
even deeper
the darkest secrets
of the sleepers

some may come
and others will go
the spin so fast
one can not know

how or when
to stop the flow
of spinning faster
friend or foe

time will tell
if to survive
the dance to oblivion
becomes alive

in your mind
that you may see
what was buried
under the oak tree

only one
be shown the path
within the storm
suffer their wrath

touching the core
of sweet oblivion
opiate allure
see the transition

of what it was
to be there then
suffer for me
again and when

the depths of wisdom
touch you deep
the understanding
of time and sleep

will bring the sites
the sounds and smells
deeper now
reach the spell

to give you knowledge
in this realm
this underworld
to overwhelm

minds and souls
they captured here
trapped inside
the demonic sphere

shattered images
in minds harass
tread lightly now
through the looking glass

only one
may enter true
to gain the knowledge
and break through

to one that reaches
from oblivion
pull her out
of this dominion

Guilt is a common emotion but can create unhappiness and depression. There is an important difference between remorse and guilt. Guilt is an emotion experienced when you think the following ways: I have done something that I should not have done or failed to do something I should have done. My actions fall short of my moral standards, and violate my concept of fair, decent behavior. This "bad behavior", proves I am a "bad person". The idea of yourself as "bad" is central to guilt. Without it, your hurtful action may lead to a healthy feeling of remorse or regret, but not guilt.

Remorse comes from an undistorted awareness that you fully acted in a hurtful manner towards someone, in a way which violated your personal ethical standards. Remorse carries no implication that your actions prove you are inherently bad, evil or immoral. It can direct you to take steps to change that hurtful behavior. Guilt usually paralyzes you from positive action. Remorse or regret is aimed at the behavior that was done. Guilt is targeted towards your "self".

Guilt fuels self-destructive attitudes. Remorse fuels constructive action. Recognize what guilt is, and the difference between it and remorse. The payoff is that you will feel better about yourself and life.

• Remorse is feeling bad about ones actions AND taking steps to heal any damage your actions caused another person AND healing yourself so you never take those actions again.
• Remorse is "I got caught, it was my choice to act that way, and I'm going to do all I can to fix what ever damage I caused, and never do this again"
• Remorse is signified by selfless behavior.
• Remorse is taking responsibility for one's horrific actions. No blameshifting. No minimizing. No "forgetting." No controlling the exchange of information.
• Remorse is empathy in the face of your pain.
• Remorse is seeing real pain at your pain. It's connection. It is not control. It's not arrogant.
• Remorse is humility.
• Remorse is sorrow.
• Remorse is open and willing.

The other key aspect is that one can experience remorse that is never seen by the person they hurt. If the way remorse is communicated is not in the language desired by the person whom they harmed, it will never be acknowledged. For example, buying someone whose Apology Language is Acts of Service a dozen roses will do little. But picking up needed groceries without being asked will go a long long way.

In conclusion, here's a link to an article in the healing library on SI - Guilt vs Remorse.

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Next: How far

“Isn't it enough that I left the forum and closed down my chat programs?”

The above words keep echoing in my head. First of all, he may have shut down his chat programs, but he never really left the forum. He refused to allow the owner to delete him and even told the owner that he would return at a later time. To me, that says he is only taking a break.

In one hand, he has the forum. In the other hand, he has the marriage. It must be quite difficult to decide, which one is more important to him. If his marriage was more important, he would have left the forum for good and never looked back. But that is not the case. I know exactly how much he values this marriage and it isn't much.

He continues bringing up the forum as though it were a lost love that he misses very deeply. If his leaving the forum had came from the heart, he would not be regretting the decision he made. He didn't leave the forum to help us and this marriage. He left the forum for the time being, in order to shut me up.

No, it's not enough that he is just taking a break from the forum. Now if he would have left it for good, and started working on this marriage, then yes, it would have been enough. It would have shown me what is more important to him. It would have shown me that he finally realizes the damage he has caused here, and is now willing to help repair it.

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Next: Guilt vs. Remorse

These flashbacks started occurring back in December, a few days after I found out about H affair. I then had another in January and that was it. It was a difficult time for me back then. A time of feeling so betrayed by the one and only person I truly loved and trusted. It was so over whelming for me and there was no end to my pain.

Over the months, I began healing, and as a result, the pain is no longer as strong as it once was. I can see clearly now. I have accepted everything for what it is. However, the not moving forward in this marriage and just floating here, has caused the flashbacks to return. This is the only reason I can come up with, as to why the memories of my past life keep haunting me.

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Next: Isn't it enough?

I then tell him, “This is how you will know who your true friends are.”

Since I was behind the computer, I went to the forum and was going to log in. I told H, “I know that the owner has not blocked your account. I haven't even received an email yet. I know he will not do it and you are just staying off the forum just to keep me calm.”

He said, “What does it matter anyway. I'm not logging in.” Just hearing him say this, told me I am right. I do believe he is just taking a break and what perfect time to do so over the summer, when there are very few members on the forum. I guess I'll just have to wait until September, when people start returning and see what happens then.

Somehow, the conversation switched over to “”G”. He said he had been talking to her.

I then asked, “How, if you are no longer in chat or on the forum?”

“By email”, he said.

I replied, “I guess you didn't quite understand what I meant when I asked you to delete all the women from your chat programs – it meant that I no longer wanted you to have any contact with other women.”

He said, “Our lives are difficult enough, then to have more to deal with.”

He got upset not realizing that he was the one who made our lives difficult and that he was the one who brought all this on himself. In the end, he had nothing more to say.

This all reminded me of a post I wrote back in December: Where are his friends?

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Next: Memory flashbacks

When I spoke with H yesterday and asked him how many people knew he had left the forum. He told me that “G” was one of the three people who knew. Now why would he tell her, when they are not close friends? That didn't make much sense to me, but I let it go. I figured he had probably told her about leaving the forum prior to actually leaving.

I saw an email from H to “G” saying that his day did not start off very well for him. But once he received her email, that all changed. Her email actually brightened his day. I remember when H used to send me emails like that. It was during the time when we were in the beginning phase of our relationship. He almost made it sound like he had the worst life imaginable to man and I brightened his day like no one else could.

H has never been close to “G”. Sure she has given him astrology readings but that was as far as it has gone. However, in private messages on the forum, I began to notice how they started getting closer in the last couple of months. He would send her a “Good Morning” private message daily, excluding weekends. She would then reply and they would wish each other a nice day. I do know there were a few private messages that were deleted from H message box. I could tell by the forward RE..RE..RE, which shows how many messages were exchanged between the two of them. I know why this was. Because H knew that I was checking his messages regularly.

When H arrived home from work, I asked him how his day went like I always do and he said it was an ordinary day. <----- He had never said that before.

I then ask, “Was there something that happened this morning that caused your day to begin badly?”

“No”, he said, “it was just a regular day.”

I guess at one point, I must have been talking so much that H grabbed the TV remote, pointed it at me and acted as though he were shutting me off. I got upset by the way he acted. I felt as though he was disrespecting me for no apparent reason.

He then asked, “What is this all about?”

Being disrespectful like he was, I thought it best to not discuss the situation with him for fear that the conversation would turn ugly. So I told him “nothing”.

He then said, “You must have logged into the forum and saw tons of private messages in my in box.”

“No, I haven't,” I said

He then asked, “Did someone email you? You must have see an email from someone.”

I told him I had not. At that moment, I thought he must have figured it out. I was waiting for him to say something more about the email, but he never did.

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Next: He will learn who his true friends are

Over the last three days, H has been very quiet. He is afraid I'm going to quote him on anything he says. Even though I tell him its off the record, he says he doesn't trust me and doesn't want to incriminate himself. Still, I can't help but wonder how long this quietness will lasts before he starts talking.

H has told me that my plan is to make him hate me. It sounds as though he is taking this blog way too personal, by reading between the lines, while avoiding all the pain he has caused me. I don't think he fully understands the impact this has had on me. Not only has my health been effected, but my character and everything I once stood for as a person, has been damaged to the point of no return. The “me” that once was, is now gone forever.

According to feedback I have received from H so far, there are things that are not accurate in what I have written and they need to be set straight. He says he will go through each and every post and comment. If he does follow through with this, it will be quite interesting, not only for myself, but for those of you who have been following our story.

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Next: An email he received