I guess I need to do a better job of marketing, huh?

During her session with me she said as little as possible. She told me later that she didn't trust me, and didn't want to "feed" me anything. "I knew Lisa was real from watching her on television. I wasn't sure about you though." Still, when all was said and done, Donna and her daughter both knew that they had heard from her ex-husband through me. Since that time, Donna and I have become friends. 

I spoke with Donna again today. She wanted to make another appointment with me. "I'm still not doing well with all of this. I just can't seem to move on," she told me. 

"Honestly Donna," I said, "it sounds to me as though you've got a lot of unfinished business with your ex-husband, and issues with forgiveness. Not with your husband, but with yourself." 

I can't tell you how many times people have come to see me after someone passes away wishing they would have treated that person better, or had one last time to say, "I love you," or "I'm sorry." When someone says to me, "Please tell him I love him," my response always is, "You just did." I know what they're trying to say though, "Please tell her I love her, because I didn't let her know when she was alive." 

The odyssey through grief is a journey of healing. We are called to a place of healing. We are asked to let go, not of the memories, but of the pain that comes from the realization of where we fell short in our relationships with those we loved, and who loved us back. 

Grief is the price we pay for love. It's a pain that may lessen with time, but will never go away. I can't make it stop hurting. There isn't a medium in the world who can. It's not our job.

What I can do is suggest that while your loved ones are alive, let them know how much you love them, in your words, and in your actions. 

I cried - again!

The sacrifice made by the WWII generation is something those of us who reap the benefit of freedom today will never be able to comprehend.  I'm thankful to those who served then... I'm thankful for those who serve now!

There have been so many lives given so that our Nation may be free... so that many in other nations may live in freedom. 

That last scene in the movie is so moving... it stirs the soul.  "Tell me I've lived a good life."  Those men gave their lives to save this one Private. 

When it is all said and done the bottom line is... How did you live?  What have you done with what you have been given in this life.

We can work and work and work some more... we can gain all the stuff our houses can hold... but without love what's it worth?  Jesus said, "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?"(Mark 8:36, NIV).

I was listening to U2 this weekend.  "Walk On" always moves me.  I was driving down the road while it was playing.  I leaned over to my oldest daughter and said, "Look, this song does this to me every time." 

I love the first verse,

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind (From, "Walk On", U2)

At times, I find it so hard to love.  To put aside all the "stuff" that goes on in and around my life.  I find it hard to put down the troubles and let love rule in my heart.  Jesus is the source of true love.  Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. (John 13:15, NIV).

We all have something greater than ourselves to live for... to sacrifice our lives for.

I do not think that she will be automatically 'saved' when the water touches her head (not really sure I like the term saved anyway, but that is another post). I do not think that this act imbues any extra brownie points with God. It does, however, extend grace to her. In the act of baptism she is welcomed into the covenant people of God. She is given access to God, in essence.

The Heidelberg Catechism, that beloved explainer of all things Reformed, puts it this way. It asks "What does it mean to be washed with Christ's blood and spirit? Answer: To be washed with Christ's blood means that God, by grace, has forgiven my sins because of Christ's blood poured out for me in his sacrifice on the cross. To be washed in Christ's Spirit means that the Holy Spirit has renewed me and set me apart to be a member of Christ so that more and more I become dead to sin and increasingly live a holy and blameless life. BUT Does this outward washing with water (which is mostly done with a little sprinkle nowadays) itself wash away sins? Answer: No, only Jesus Christ's blood and the Holy Spirit cleanse us from all sins.

Okay... so what exactly will happen when Chancery is baptised tomorrow?

Well, there will not be some kind of special erasure of the little sins she may have already committed (like spitting up on dad's favourite shirt). Nor will she be miraculously changed when the water strikes her forehead. No, tomorrow she will be welcomed officially into the people of God. She will be made a part of the Body of Christ with all of its warts and wounds; divisions and strife. She will be promised the forgiveness of sin through Christ's blood and the Holy Spirit.

So tomorrow as I stand there and watch the water cascade over the head of another one of my children, I am reminded that my salvation rests comletely in the Lord. I am reminded that my children rest in the Lord. I am reminded that I am a part of a very real body of believers and that we are all called to continually claim the promises sealed on us in our baptisms and "more and more become dead to sin and increasingly live holy and blameless lives."

[in case you are wondering, the stuff referred to from the Heidelberg Catechism comes from its section on baptism Q & A's 69-74]

I wish I had seriously good answers to these questions. All I really have is my own reasoning.  I don't think it's saying what happened was okay. I've made mistakes in my past (as we all have) and I carry them with me. I carry them because a) I haven't forgiven myself fully, and b) I haven't allowed myself to be forgiven. Why is this so hard? Partly, it's because I know decisions I've made hurt people. They hurt friends and family that I love deeply. They hurt me. And hurt is just not okay with me.

So how do I let things go when I don't condone them? I leave them where they happened. Apologies have been said, journals written, prayers prayed. At some point, I need to let go of the hurt and anger my own actions have caused others and myself. I cannot control if other people will forgive me. But I can control forgiving myself, and I have no choice but to be forgiven by God. How many times can I be forgiven? "Not seven times, but seventy times seven times..." (Matthew 18)  It is so difficult to remember that not only is He with us in our present moments, but He is still there, at the very moment in our past that caused so much pain.  We can find Him at every place and every time, at any time.

So even when I know this, why do I carry hurt with me? How do I really let it go? How do I encourage others to let it go? What about hurts that others have caused me? So many questions that I grapple with. Well, we are called to forgive others. Why can't we forgive them? Because they hurt us?  But we, too, have made mistakes.  He who has not sinned shall cast the first stone. I know the pain others have brought in my life at times seems unbearable, but can I somehow move past it? What if they don't even realize the depths of what they've done? Usually, I write. I write as though I am writing them a letter, but I rarely send it or read it to them. Hash it all out--the dirty truth about everything they've done, and everything you've done. Tell the truth. No one else needs to see it. Cry about it. Pray about it. Lean on others.  See the good, and with time, just let it go.

God is full of truth and grace. What an amazing and gracious God we serve. Nothing is too big for Him. I know it's easier said than done, but give it up to him. Let him have it and REALLY let it GO. He suffered so we wouldn't have to...nothing is too big.

"The past is history, the future is a mystery, and this moment is a gift.                                              That is why this moment is called 'the present'."

As I’ve said before, the best way to shake your awareness into the present is to break your daily routines or habits to see how they change your perceptions. By simply trying something different - food, clothes, TV shows or an activity you’ve never done - your mindset alters and you may even gain a whole new way of looking at your world. A few mistakes are good for a laugh or experience to entertain others, so don’t be afraid to shake yourself up a bit - even go radical! Laughter opens up more possibilities.

Do Not Ask, “WHY DID I DO THAT?” When you ask “why” it takes you back into a loop of your own failures, to all the times in the past when you did something like that and all the emotions and judgments that went with it. WHY brings up all the stuff that you believe makes you do stupid things, like your abusive parent or cheating ex-spouse. This solidifies that limiting reality into your current experience or situation. Instead ask how it came to your mind - your thought or someone’s suggestion? Was fun a point of its creation, or were you into challenging or testing yourself? We do want to eliminate the ‘should have, would have, or could have’ from becoming a part of our “future past.”

The small trivials, rituals, necessary duties of everyday life have piled themselves up to such an extent that you cannot see beyond them; the old ‘can’t see the forest for the trees’ problem. We do forget who we really are, or want to be when we forget to put ourselves, our dreams, and heart desires in the forefront, or allow our soul destiny to be lost in the mundane. You need to free yourself so you may continue on your path to fulfill your journey of self discovery. Taking the highest point of perception is being positive and capable of handling whatever you need to change into a higher vibration. All is not chaos, but a balanced view - evolving like a moving target to set the intent of having a multi-dimensional experiment.

While Shakespeare said that “All the world’s a stage and we all play our parts in it . . . ,” many spiritual philosophers believe that the big secret is that we created this game of life on Earth. We’re making it all up! And, we continue to create it every day. Also, that we have the power to make it the way we wish. Most of us are way too serious about making money and collecting material goods and being ‘king of the mountain’ instead of having fun and playing the game without a concern of success or failure. None of us gets off this rock alive or with our toys, so why the big sweat? Being in the present also means enjoying each moment as it comes to you, not just letting it pass by waiting for the next big thing. Sometimes this is as good as it gets, for we may not be around for something that might be better. There is also the realization that what is great to one is not to another. We should not need multiple choices to appreciate what we have. But sometimes we need to see what is out there, to have the gratitude for what has been given to us. It should not be our choice just because it has been someone else’s choice.

If you can see it, hear it, feel it, taste it, touch it or smell it, in this moment, then it is of the present moment. You are not thinking or dreaming it into existence. It is actually here now and so are you to experience it. When you begin to emerge yourself into the present moment, your outside thoughts may stop, and you may feel a deep silencing of peace filling your mind. As an inner door is opened, you are allowed to experience an infinite essence of your Being, your true nature. It gives you the opportunity of pure consciousness that is a dimension of you that exists in Oneness of who you are, and to become. This is very powerful, and as you learn to tap into this dimension, you will be given the information through your intuition of the direction for fulfillment of your destiny.

Once you realized that if you keep playing the "re-runs" of the same old regrets over and over, you cannot possibly move forward. Holding on to decisions that you'd made when you were younger and less conscious are holding you back. These regrets were taking up room that could be filled with happiness, light, and situations that you want to bring into your life. You need to have focused on forgiving and releasing your past and owning that all the decisions you've made have brought you to where you are now. And then you will stop creating these same experiences again under the mistaken belief that you must do this in order to survive physically, emotionally, or economically.

Time and time again you have broken through old boundaries of thinking and feeling. Every time you felt suffocated in traditional structures and rules, knowing deep inside that your soul could not flourish in a fear dominated environment or relationship, you have felt the necessity to break free. It has been painful at times, to say goodbye and travel new roads. Yes, difficult and very heavy, but you had to stay true to your sense that something wasn’t right, that it did not make sense to you. Adaptation is not an option when you know in your heart that something important was missing. While you could temporarily or partly adapt yourself to an environment that didn’t truly resonate with you, even at the level of outer behavior it just doesn’t work. You have to eventually cross the inner valleys of self doubt and loneliness, before you open up a new horizon where you truly fit. In other words, being in the present you cannot even fake it for a bit. Definitely, repressing or ignoring your problems is not possible anymore.

You planned this well from the parents you chose, your siblings, birth order, race, status, etc. Whether or not you had financial abundance may have been set off by love - people who say they had no idea they were poor as ‘love was in such abundance we didn’t notice we were poor.’ Others may gripe and complain, not having known love, that they were dirt poor and never knew when they’d eat or have to move, as their parents continually blamed one another. True Wealth is so much more than money, it is an abundance of all the senses being filled with love.

To your most inner depths, into each and every bone, you need to reach down and root out what parts of you that need to be loved, for it is the great healer. Love erases pain, as it releases you to freedom. You can learn to love yourself, even if you felt unloved as a child. Allow abundant, unconditional love to heal and wrap around you in the most protective way. Once you have savored it, show your gratitude and then remember to process forgiveness. Let go of what you were not given in the past. Cancer and other diseases come from unconscious, unresolved bitterness that previously existed in this life or past ones.

Much of your karma is driven by the wounded child of your past, and those realities that it creates in your life now. Realizing how you are affected by it, you may want to choose to NOT be a victim within it or from it. Once acknowledged, your destiny then is to chose to compete in this life to learn, work thorough and release that karma. Rise above the fray, you can take control of your own life. Do not give your power to your past to have control over you. As you may know and accept, people make their choices in the course of their life. Taking responsibility for them and accounting to others, may be another thing for you to acknowledge, if even aware.

Stillness gives you a knowing presence and awareness that you do not need to suffer. In the stillness you learn that most of your evolvement with suffering usually comes from your thoughts you created, and most of that is what is in stored in the unconscious. By asking yourself questions and learning your true self, you finally can rise above those negative thoughts to forego suffering. To receive love and acceptance requires that you empty out your vessel of hurt and rejection, even if you are not aware they are there.

Self love - and only unconditional love - is required if you are to complete your process of transformation and rebirth. As very small children most of you loved yourselves because you felt love. You believed that you were deserving of all the love and abundance that this world had to offer. All too quickly, the majority of you learned that you were wrong and were bad, your intelligence or beauty were no longer acknowledged. You were probably told that in order to survive this reality you needed to fit in more like everyone else. You therefore shifted your innate beliefs or boundaries to adopt those of your families, societies and cultures. You then most likely, stopped loving and believing in yourselves, as you allowed others to influence your path.

The lucky ones of us found someone who saw more in us, and within time, slowly you began to once more emerge as the bright star that you are. As belief in yourself grows from the positive response of another, you become more trusting and knowing who you are, as well as who you are meant to be. Bravery then creates independent experiments which builds confidence and sureness around you. If you don’t have to prove anything to anyone, think how freeing it would be, and suddenly it is. When you can give to yourselves that which you are craving from others, it is then that your need for others’ approval and acceptance no longer imprisons you in a state of insecurity.

The channels of communication with your Soul can be reopened when you willing touch old emotional hurts residing within you. These traumas are parts of you that have been isolated or unloved in your past. Breathing deep into the feelings or spots in yourself can reintegrate these fragments, so you feel whole again. The releasing makes sure that you’ve had no attachment or identifying yourself with them again. No longer then do any parts of yourself feel unwanted, unloved, or not good enough. You have accepted them, just as they are, with your love transforming them into something better. Healing your past restores your feelings without fear, and improves your intuition and guidance from your Soul. Remember to embrace yourself, knowing you are not alone, and that you are truly loved, safe, and secure. You can again love yourself as you are, without judgment, expectation, or regrets about the past, as you are past any barrier of suffering and loneliness. You are connected again, and feel inspired.

You will learn that what you give to yourself, you can easily give to another. But what you deny to others, will be denied to you - not because you are being punished, but because your heart has closed. A closed heart, like a tightened fist, can neither give nor receive. This is where love again saves you to open your heart. You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving. Again, that love starts with yourself and again, it must be unconditional, no exceptions - ‘warts and all.’ Stand in the mirror and start from the top and work done telling yourself - not from the ego, but from the heart -how much you totally and completely love yourself. It is not easy, and should be done daily, if not at least weekly. If you know the joy and freedom of loving yourself unconditionally, then you will have no problem doing that for others.

For too long, Universal Consciousness or humanity has sat and licked their inner wounds of the past. Like people who hang onto their guilt or stoicism and suffering, as if a badge of honor rather than allowing the areas of hurt, distress, or maiming to be healed. Like a sick dog, they continually focus on them by licking day after day. They are starving their hungry souls, though they have a sense of a need to be filled. Some do this with food, others with alcohol or emotional dampening drugs prescribed so lovingly by their trusted physician or maybe street sellers. Some never come into the understanding that their soul is starving for what truly gives it joy and sustenance. For some there will be an awakening to the simplicity of love and forgiveness. Others will simply never accept that the solution can be that easy.

Anger is a secondary emotion - something/someone has to spark it and this comes from a key or button pushed from your past. Anger comes from fear, which cannot occupy the same space as love. On the opposite end, your SMILE is a healing essence to yourself and others. It is a life-force Spirit energy directly connected to your whole body - every single cell. It also raises your vibration which affects everyone as it helps you connect to them - they can feel and even see that positive aura. A smile comes from happiness, which a natural by-product of love. All proven healers of the mind, body and soul.

Americans are ‘smiling’ people - we can be spotted when we are in other countries by our smile. It is a most common positive thing that we are taught as children - smile for your photo, smile and wave at Granny or Auntie, smile when you’re happy. When I lived in Japan, I was often asked about my smile and infectious laugh - I am a basic happy, positive person. Stoicism is a solid part of their cultural foundation, and smiling is considered being not serious or even foolish. Some of my trainees even felt that I needed to know not to smile so much, as people who didn’t know me would think that I was foolish, even stupid. While I adapted and assimilated to many things Japanese in my seven years there, not smiling was not acceptable to me, as it truly was who I was. I once explained how American smiling was as we had even put the “Pursuit of Happiness” as part of our Declaration of Independence. What I did learn was to combine “apology” - a really big Japanese cultural thing - with smiling, which no matter what country I was in, could stop anger in its tracks.

This is possibly one of the best hand-crafted duas I've read in Ramadan.  Ma sha Allah, it was written by a Turkish brother who is helping out with the Greeks Rethink team.  May Allah reward him.  If you want an eman rush, read on:

O Allah, O Karim,
Please have Mercy on me.

O Allah, O Karim,
Please forgive me
for the sins I committed in the past
and those I will commit in the future.

O Allah,
have Mercy on all the Muslimeen,
and guide them.
Guide me O Allah,
and guide my parents,
my siblings, my cousins,
my aunts and uncles,
my nephews and nieces.

O Allah,
I ask You
to strengthen my iman and those around me.
I ask You to soften my heart
and to soften the hearts of the Believers.

O Allah,
forgive me for my shortcomings,
for only You are Perfect.

O Allah,
Please Forgive me
if I ever got too wrapped in a matter
that I didn't have the time to utter Your Name.

O Allah,
Please Forgive me for all the salat I missed
because of ignorance or laziness,
Please Forgive me for all the fasts I didn't make up,
thinking it was "alright, since I fasted most of the days anyway."

O Allah,
Please Forgive me
for the penny I never dropped
into the metal cup for the homeless man begging on the street.

O Allah,
Please spark the love of Islam in my heart
and in the hearts of every single Muslim
until it gets implanted in their children
and their childern's children and so on.

O Allah,
I ask that You help me for I am weak
and will only grow stronger by Your Strength,
so Allah Please Strengthen me
to fight Shaitan and his whispers.
And if I ever fell into his trap
and followed my desire,
then sincerely forgive me,
for that displays not only my weakness,
but Your Greatness as well.

O Allah, Please lighten the punishment in the grave
for those before us and those after us.
Please Allah, lighten the punishment
and please shed light into every Muslim's grave.

O Allah, if I ever was too afraid
to stand up for Your Deen
because of what others would think,
then Forgive me, for I was a fool for doing so.

O Allah, Please Protect me and each Muslim,
and Protect especially the orphans and the widows.

O Allah, Please Strengthen the faith
of the destitute Muslims around the world,
so they have hope to live.

O Allah, if I ever forgot to do du'a
for even one suffering Muslim,
then Forgive me
for then it is as if I haven't done du'a
for the entire ummah.

O Allah,
Please be the Light of my eyes, ears and heart.

O Allah,
Please be the Light on the sides of me
and the Light behind me
and the light in front of me.

O Allah, Please Forgive me
for all the foul words I spoke
either out of ignorance or
because I was trying to be "cool."

O Allah, please forgive me
if I never stopped to think about You,
due to "other important things."

O Allah, Please Forgive me
for not having enough time
or creating time for reading the Qur'an.

O Allah, Please Forgive me
for listening to music
and wasting time watching Harram on TV and the Internet

O Allah, please forgive me
for all the yelling I've done
and the arguments I've been in.
For the only time the voice should be raised is for Your Praises!

O Allah, Please Forgive me
for my disrespect towards my family,
elders, siblings and friends.

O Allah, Please Forgive me
for any backbiting I have been accused of,
whether I did it consciously or unconsciously.

O Allah, Rab al-Alamin,
Forgive me,
Forgive me for everything.
So for everyone,
every single Muslim,
dead or alive,
I do du'a that you forgive them
for all their sins.

O Allah,
Please Please Please
help the suffering Muslims
of Kashmir, Palestine, Chechnya,
Bosnia, Gujarat, Nigeria,
Iraq, Afghanistan and everywhere around the world.

Please O Allah, make the Mujahedeen victorious,
and let the beauty of Islam reign!

O Allah, Give victory to the Muslims!

O Allah, Please let True Islam reign!

O Allah, Please increase our knowledge
of Your Deen and this world.

Oh Allah, Please Help us all and guide us,
for You are Everything to us.

O Allah,
I cannot stress how much I ask
for Your Forgiveness and Your Guidance.

O Allah,
I fear You,
I fear You soooo much words cannot describe.
I fear the day when I will meet You,
and I WILL meet You.
When we are one on one,
and I have no one's help or support.
No-one can take the blame for me
nor I for them.
The only thing I will have is a little book given to me by You that has my deeds.

O Allah,
Please Forgive me for my thoughts,
for even though I get sinned only for my actions,
I cannot help but feel guilty for my thoughts
and I ask You to Forgive me for them and to clear my mind of any impurities

until You become the Only thing on my mind.

O Allah,
Please Forgive me
if I ever did anything out of gain
for this life and not for Your pleasure.
If I ever did anything to "show off"
then Please Forgive me for that.

O Allah,
I do du'a
that You grant us all God-Fearing spouses
and grant us righteous children.

O Allah,
I do du'a that You continue to strengthen this ummah
until the Day of Resurrection.

O Allah,
Forgive me
for whatever I have not mentioned,
for I am bound to forget

....but You,

through Your Greatness...

You Never Forget.

O Allah,
Please Grant
all the Muslims
Jannah-tul-Firdaus.

O Allah,
I ask that You shed Your Mercy
on all the Prophets (peace be upon them)
and on all the Angels (peace be upon them).

Lastly, I do du'a
You shed Your Mercy
on the Prophet Muhammad,
his family and companions.

I do du'a
that you grant Muhammad
the Highest Station in Paradise.

Rabinna Aataina
Fiduniya Hasinathow
Wa Fil Akhirati Hasinathow,
Wakina Adhab innaar

Ameen.

Because theology concerns God, we who choose to write on the topic have a responsibility that goes far beyond the ethic of the normal social contract. Theology impacts lives even when it is unstated and has become a cultural norm. Before we defend, critique, or even propose a specific theological construct or an entire framework, we must consider the impact of our position in light of its impact on God’s people. We are not operating in a vacuum where these beliefs and behaviors affect no one, a fact that we need to carefully consider before pushing the first words out into the cybersphere.

While I’m certain that I have exhibited a disregard for each of these at some point in my time as a theologian (and we’re all theologians), here are four rules that I try to apply to anything I do in this sphere, whether it is writing here or for publication, in preaching, and in the way I live out the theology. You might find them helpful as well or may have some additions that we can all utilize.

Know Your Theology Beyond Proof Texts

God did not limit his revelation to specific texts in the Scriptures. The first rule in theology is to consider every doctrine or position in light of the entirety of God’s revelation. Though you may disagree with his theology, Wesley utilized what has been labeled his Quadrilateral as a way of studying and organizing his understanding. This included the use of the complete Scripture (OT & NT), Tradition in the form of church history and the Spirit’s movement, Reason in the form of rational thinking and sensible interpretation, and Experience in examining a Christian’s personal and communal journey in Christ. Proof texting often fails to consider the ever widening circles of context and more often than not, another text can be found to show the point in a different light.

Know Any Theology That You Are Going to Label as Incorrect

I am less and less surprised at the number of critiques that I encounter in which the author rails against a certain theology or doctrine by using caricatures or incorrect representations of the belief (this happens with political discussion as well.) Before taking a critical position, we must have a relatively thorough and accurate knowledge of the development, the scriptures, and the persons involved in the doctrine we critique. If we rely on the opinions of others or a surface deep understanding of the doctrine, knowing only that it differs from our own, we do not serve God well in simply creating dissent among the body. Worse yet, we promulgate a shallow belief system that risks getting adopted by others. As an example, survey the number of times that Mormonism is declared heretical by an author who does not know the history of belief system or how many times Arminian belief is associated with Pelagius.

Know the Practical Application of Your Theology

All theology is practical. Every aspect of God has some effect on His relationship with His people. We are incorrect to treat theology as separate from life. The doctrines and beliefs that we hold are meant to affect our lives in practical ways, shaping the way in which we interact with the world, other people, and God himself. Arguing the different views of Atonement is one thing but how often do we think about the practical impact of believing the Penal substitution view against the Ransom, Moral Influence, Example, or Governmental positions? Each of these beliefs has a different impact on the worldview of the believer and how he or she interacts with God and the world.

Know God

This would seem to go without saying but it is so easy to find ourselves devoting enormous energy to knowing about God and less and less time knowing God. I can express my thoughts about my wife and child very well because I know them intimately. I have a deep relationship with each of them and have lived in close proximity for many, many years. Writing about your family would be much different because I can know only what you let me know or I can observe for myself. The same applies to those who choose to write about God; we must know Him intimately. We must be in tight relationship with Him and His Spirit. Not only will the Spirit guide our work but will also help us in withdrawing from battles that our worldly reactive side would choose to engage.

God bless each and every one of you who furthers the work of the kingdom in your writing and thinking. If I’ve missed or misstated something, I’ll look forward to reading your suggestions.

            For all his flaws and faults, Jesus was willing to give him a new beginning, and in the process, teach him about what it meant to practice restoration in his relationships with others. This man was one who could be redeemed, after all. The story of Zacchaeus (pronounced Zack-ee-us) is one of the Bible’s most amazing stories of redemption and restoration.

            Do you know this story, found in The Gospel According to St. Luke, chapter 19? Children often learn a little song in Sunday School about him: “Zacchaeus was a wee little man, and a wee little man was he…”.  The song goes on to tell the story how this wee little man came to believe in Jesus Christ, when the Master called out to him so that they could visit together.

            As the song says, Zacchaeus was indeed a man of small stature. Wanting to catch a glimpse of Jesus, who was passing through Jericho where he lived, Zacchaeus went out to see the Lord as He passed by.  A problem confronted Zacchaeus in his quest to see Jesus, though.  A large crowd already had gathered to see Him.  Zacchaeus may have had a great deal of wealth and political power, but that did not change the fact that he could not see over the crowd. So, Zacchaeus climbed up in a tree to get a look at Jesus, for no one would have made way for him to get down front.  Why not? He probably was very unpopular, but this did not have to do with his stature. 

            Zacchaeus was a Jewish tax collector, which meant he collaborated with the hated Romans, whom the Jews despised as an occupying army.  The Romans used the tax collectors to gather in their customs and taxes in the countries they occupied, using the money among other things to feed the huge imperial army. The people regarded tax collectors as traitors. If that didn’t make Zacchaeus bad enough, on top of being a traitor, he was a crooked tax collector at that! Usually, in the Bible when tax collectors are mentioned, it is in the same sentence with “sinners” as if the two were pretty much indistinguishable.  Where Zacchaeus was concerned, it certainly seemed to be the case.

            Jesus reached out to Zacchaeus, though. When He passed by and saw the man in the tree, Jesus called him by name and told him to come down.  Zacchaeus obliged and was thrilled to get to meet Jesus in person. Jesus visited with him at his home and helped him see the error of his ways. While Jesus was with him, Zacchaeus apparently did some reflecting on the way he had been living. Time spent with Jesus seemed to put people in a reflective mood about their ways and dealings in the world. Jesus had the ability to judge the sin in people’s lives, but in a way that did not make them feel threatened or unwilling to admit their wrong doing. Compassion was at the root of His words of correction, not a judgmental harshness which allowed for no change. As Zacchaeus visited with Christ, he came to realize there was nothing good about the path he had been on, and he needed to change.

            As a start, he told Jesus that he would give away half of his wealth to those who had nothing.  That is not all: Zacchaeus said he would restore “four fold” those he had defrauded.  Zacchaeus found out about forgiveness that day.  The joy that he felt over finding forgiveness changed his relationship with others, too. Zacchaeus wanted to make past wrongs right, as much as he could through restoration of the fortunes of others.

             Zacchaeus’s new found faith in Jesus enabled him to stop seeing people as means to his personal enrichment. Instead, Zacchaeus wanted to do what he could to alleviate the suffering of others, and he wanted to restore what he had improperly taken.  There was a real change in his life.  Jesus enabled people to make a radical break with the past by giving them a brand new start in the present. Forgiveness, redemption, and restoration are all possible when there is a willingness to change the way one’s life has been lived. Redemption and restoration are more than the stuff of children's Sunday School songs. Redemption and restoration through the power of God can be living realities for you and me, too.  God can take those society has no use for, change them, and turn them into responsible, born-again people.  You may have made many mistakes in the past, and you may have been careless with how you used others.  It is possible to find a new way of living, and it is possible to find forgiveness and redemption, through Christ. The love of Christ is what makes the difference--His call is the transforming one.

            The same Christ who called to Zacchaeus up in his perch calls out to every one of us—“Come down from there, for today I must visit with you.”  He wants to fellowship with us, and He wants us to come to Him for forgiveness of our sin. When we heed His invitation and believe in Him, our whole outlook can be changed, and we can begin to want the best for others. Change is possible. Forgiveness with God is real—you and I can become different, better people through the power of God.

©Baptist Parson, 2008

I confess, it was me who ate the wall. Chewed away at it until I formed a hole the size of a quarter at that place where the wall meets the moulding. And you want to know something else? I didn't even like it. It tasted like the dust behind the couch that I sometimes lick up out of desperation. I tried to hid the evidence in the tufted corners of my bed, but green flecks of paint with plaster and drywall backing are, apparently, pretty easy to detect against a black bed. I tried to cover up my indiscretion by piling up my toys in front of it. The pink rubber bone, the mini Kong, my stuffed puppy, the pacifier and the bone-rope toy. Then I realized, that would never do, you would still notice the gouged-out hole right away. So I went over to my wee wee pad and started working on that, chewing it to shreds -- better than that paper-shredder thing upstairs. There, that would do it. I was satisfied you wouldn't even notice the missing bits of wall after seeing shredded pieces of a wee wee pad scattered across the kitchen floor like confetti.

But then you returned home. As the garage door opened and closed I thought, "Who am I kidding?! They'll notice this right away. Especially since it's right next to the spot I chewed last time!" In a last-ditch attempt to salvage myself and win your affection, I sat in front of the door, waiting for you to enter. My fur was puffed to perfection and I practiced my adoring gaze. When you entered the kitchen, I pranced and pounced, wagged my tail and whined. Waved my paws in the air asking for a pet -- anything to draw your attention away from the wall. I swooned and cuddled, panted and high-fived, but you weren't easily distracted. I heard the quake of your voice tinged with anger and I ran behind the table to hid. Not being able to help myself, I stole a glance at you from around the chair leg. There you were, crouched down on the floor, examining the damage, cursing and poking at the hole with your finger. Then you saw the shredded wee wee and (I didn't mean for those discoveries to occur in that order) and you went pit bull on me. I stood stock still, hoping my stuffed animal-like features would blend in with the puppy toy next to me. You threw me a look of anger and dissatisfaction and I pretended to look over my shoulder, making you think I was looking around for the guilty party. But I'll admit it to you now, I did it, I tore up the wall. I didn't do it out of hunger or boredom. I did it out of malice. You left me alone, with no human to play with, no interaction with anything else but inanimate objects. How could you do that to me?! I did it to teach you a lesson, next time, I will literally be clawing at the walls if you don't take me with you on your excursion. I like people too! I like to get out of the house occasionally. But you want to know why I really did it? Okay, fine. I did it to warn you: Don't love me and leave me.

Our elders worked hard to get help for our pastor and his wife which included counseling, financial support IF certain conditions were met  and many other things I don't have time or desire to detail.  We wanted to restore him, but restoration is hard.  Restoration starts with repentance, and that means that you must abandon you pride.  Pride is the big enemy and that is what gets most of us in trouble.  The response of a proud man sounds something like this, "some people won't be happy until I'm on the stage in a puddle of tears repenting of my sins."  That might be true, but it's not a reason not to repent.  Yet the fear of this very situation is what keeps so many from repentance and restoration.  Restoration is hard work.  Restoration takes time.  Restoration demands humility.  All of these things are in short supply for a man who would sacrifice everything for sex and another woman.  Proverbs says that a man who commits adultery lacks understanding.  I'm finding that this is true.  It shows more clearly after the sin than it ever did before, and now I can see the results of a man's choices that literally cost him everything!

Will he ever repent?  I hope so, but we are more than 2 years after our earthquake, and I see no signs of it yet.  But, like most things, that's God's problem.  I pray for him, I feel sorry for him, I still think of him....to be this close to the fall of a man who served God as a pastor is a sad thing to watch.  To see the results of his choices is even sader.  Repentance will be God's work. Our job, if repentance ever comes, is to forgive.

But Buffett didn't seem to care.  The guy who created Margaritaville seemed to only care about generating more money, rather than what I initially took as a musical cult devoted to a peaceful, loving version of hedonism.  I've been told I was wrong from the get-go, and he has always been about making tons of money regardless, but even if that's so, what was fun about his concerts has been lost as far as I can see.  Every one of the shows I saw in the last years that I went involved fights (both here in Southern California and back in Massachusetts where I was initialized into his Hawaiian shirt society.)  I was never in them, but I saw them happening all the time, angry drunk dudes who didn't know how to hold their liquor looking for a way to get out whatever pathetic frustration they had over all those difficult collegiate trappings like "reading books."  And all the titty flashing only seemed to fuel that angry aggression.  I mean, it must be tough knowing you can't lick every single one of the boobs the drunk sorority girls are whipping out in a desperate attempt for attention.

It used to be brotherly and sisterly love.  I never saw any flashing when I was a kid (I mean, I like seeing boobs as much as the next boob-lover, but come on) and for me the bikini tops were plenty fun.  And their was conversation between Parrotheads, the sharing of drinks and food.  Now everyone comes there and opens up little stands trying to sell shit.  It isn't escapist anymore.  It's just commerce, even where the fans are concerned.

Still, all those wonderful high school and college memories still remain for me.  I still listen to his old music and can feel all right.  But it makes me sad that I can't take a weekend out a year and go to the Parrothead extravaganza of yore.

I can't decide.  Should I do the same for him I did for Steve Martin?  Should I forgive him for gobbling up endless supplies of money he doesn't need and forgetting about the genuine roots of his fanbase?  Or should I stay sad and angry about it?

I don't know.

I just don't know.

Thinking of you, Todd

See www.byzantinecatholic.com/radio.htm  and select  Broadcast 204

Cheers

Brendan Roberts

www.godfact.com

Written at the campground in the North Rim of Grand Canyon National Park, Arizona.

My tent sits, staked into a site no more than twenty, thirty yards from the edge of the Grand Canyon.

One hell of a view before you go to bed and as soon as you wake up, kid.

The ranger working the registration desk had promised and she’d certainly delivered on that one.

With all the joy, passion, and most of all, life I’ve come to discover during these last two months, I look out and beyond the precipitous ledge, into the horizon, where the sun begins its beautiful, bloody descent. The cliffs across from me forming the line of the horizon plunge into darkness, blackness, as the sun sinks into its depths, while the sky just above glows a brilliant, radiant orange, glowing dimmer and dimmer as it works its way up higher, yielding to the serene blue of the evening to come. Twenty yards away from the thousand-plus feet drop to a certain death, I find Brendan’s demise only more tragic, his act of self-destruction only more mysterious in the face of such stark, raw beauty. How can anyone want to rush somewhere so final, so ultimate, with such haste when everyone gets there eventually, inevitably?

Then I remember a time not so long ago and times so long ago. I remember wishing, seeking death for myself many years ago and just a few years ago, failing, fearing to take my own life perhaps only because of the eternal damnation that I believed in, that would not allow me the courtesy of what I was seeking. I’d feared the same fate that Brendan had found, his fate that had been indoctrinated upon my mind by the Church, by the school, and even by my parents. I remember the days, the months, the years before I’d finally relented to the low dosage of SSRIs. I remember the relentless, unyielding weight of a numbness that wasn’t quite completely numb, the endless restlessness but without the impetus, catalyst to get a life in motion, and most of all, I remember the impossibly heavy burden of a blinding, dull pain creeping into not just every inch of my body, but into the very depths of my soul, my being. Only when I remember, shudder at these thoughts, I think I can, maybe, understand in the smallest, tiniest fraction, how or why Brendan could have brought his life to such a violent end on his own accord.

***

The smell of gunpowder.

Stop. Just please fucking stop. I don’t want to inhale the aroma of gunpowder I’d never smelled, I don’t want to be blinded by the crimson pools, stains, streaks collecting, dripping, congealing. I don’t want to smell, I don’t want to see, I don’t want to hear anything. I’m in the sanctity of my own house, what should be a home, so can’t the grisly, morbid, haunting thoughts give me just an hour, maybe two, of reprieve? My body feels hollow, weak, empty from the hours of quivering, crying it’d just engaged in for the most part of the morning at school, until the administration felt it best for me to take the day off, but not before interrogating me on whether there had been any indications, suggestions that an eighth grader may put a gun to his own head, and to be fair, not before forcing me into a group session where we all sat around in a neat circle, watching the mess that the completely unqualified, uncertified “counselor” had tried to coordinate, to extricate from us feelings, words, perhaps in a collective effort to get through the hell of a mess we’d found ourselves in that day.

My body quaked, the tears flowed, except when that crazy red-headed woman they’d put in charge of our cheap travesty of a group therapy session, came around to me, asking questions obviously meant to result in some quick catharsis, to relieve all the pressure that had been built up. Fucking archaic, unscientific, Popular Psychology, Freudian, psychoanalytic bullshit.

Just a few months ago, maybe even weeks ago, Brendan and I’d managed to find ourselves in the 300s of the Dewey Decimal classification at the school library, a treasure trove of forbidden works on social sciences, including psychology, contradicting, challenging the holy, fundamental teachings of our academic establishment. Even with our limited, yet to be fully-developed minds, we’d skimmed and even read through some of the works. Freud was a given, general texts on psychology much more approachable, modern, and enlightening, tempting us with its slaps on the faces to all that we’d learn in the forty-five minute too long forty-five minute religion class we had each day. From even those cursory reads into basic texts, we knew, I knew, that the woman sitting in the center of our circle, now turned to face me, was a complete hack, that the cathartic method she was trying to sell off on me was unproven, ineffective.

How do you feel, Jaimin?

How the fuck do you think I feel? The gunpowder, the blood, oh shit. Let’s just stop right here, move onto the next person, because despite the shivering, despite the quaking, you’ve yet to see me unleash the full fury of my grief, you stupid, vapid, fucking whore. You want catharsis? You want me to get up, throw this cheap aluminum chair with its thin layer of faux leather padding at the window, leap at you in half-rage, half-grief, and start screaming profanity almost mouth-to-mouth? You’ve no fucking clue what you’re asking for and you’ve no fucking clue what you’re doing, but you also know that, don’t you? You know that the only reason you’re in here, working with your bit knowledge of Freud and without a license, without qualification is because as a private institution, the school’s not bound to hire teachers or staff according to normal state or federal regulations. It’s your time to shine, to put into practice without having to work two to five years of an advanced degree. Fuck you. You get nothing from me.

I bring my head out of my arms, intending to snarl, intending to shoot the meanest, most spiteful look of hatred directly into her eyes. But I’m too tired, my reserve of affect, emotion stretched beyond its limit and solely reserved for shock, for terror. What comes out instead must’ve been just a sad little sight of someone so confused, so lost. She moves on.

I can’t decide what’s worse. Lying on the living room floor, crawled up in a fetal position, watching the walls of my own home spray, streak with blood, smelling the tell-tale bite of gunpowder, the metallic odor of mass pools of hemoglobin all around me, or having sat through nearly an hour of that pseudo-psychological bullshit at Palma, in the room that was normally used, reserved as a small chapel. Before I can make a rational, logical argument for either side, I hear the rustle of the key lifting the tumblers, the lock turning counter clockwise, and the door yielding to my mother’s light frame.

She stares at my strange position on the floor, probably wonders why the lights are still off during an especially dark, overcast day, and only begins to address me after she closes the door and locks it behind her.

Why aren’t you at school?

Today must be the day of stupid questions. The day of the whoppers of all stupid fucking questions. I almost laugh at the ridiculousness, the hilarity of the question, but I don’t think the body is capable of dancing with the mind. I only hold, crawl myself into a tighter ball, trying to resist the shivers that come from deep within, but they manage to spill out.

It doesn’t take a very bright person to figure out that something’s wrong when one’s son is crawled up into a ball, shivering, home early from school and it must have been fantastically difficult for my academically inclined, crazed mother for her to ignore the fact that her doctor, lawyer, professor-to-be son was missing the precious, last two hours of instruction from the expensive education she and her husband were working their assess off to put their boy through.

I hate myself for having such cold, cruel thoughts. I know better. She’s my mother and she loves me. But I still hate that side of her, I still hate that side of them. I hate the Korean-ness, the shared curse between the first generation and second generation immigrants of worshipping education, indoctrinating academic and financial prestige into children. At the moment, stripped of all sanity, of all socialization, knowing only primal feelings, I hate my parents and I begin to hate Brendan. I resent him for bringing this upon me, for bringing the stench, the sight of death into my days and I will hate him for the even more vivid, foul odors and scenes that would come to encompass my dreamscapes during the night.

But my body can’t dance with the mind and I only explain to my mother what I’d found out. As she kneels next to me, cradles my head in her lap, I want to stand, I want to push her away, to scream, to unlock that door, dash out into the large public park just in front of our house, and feel the air screaming by my face as far as my feet will carry me. But I also want to remain, to feel my unshattered, intact-without-an-exit-and-entrance-wound head lifted in her arms, housed in the warmth of her lap, near the womb from which I’d escaped. Maybe it’s easier on the body to remain, so I do, listening to the mindless, meaningless words of reassurance, half-resenting, half-loving her for them.

But it’s in our nature to really fuck things up when we most need not to fuck things up, isn’t it?

Jaimin. You know that your friend can’t go to heaven because he killed himself right?

My body, my mind is full of hatred, even knowing that the words that I try to tell myself I’d not heard even though I know I’d just heard them, were spilled out of fear, spilled out of panic that her own son may follow in his friend’s steps. I’ve never felt such pure hatred for my mother and I’m surprised that I don’t find myself vomiting once more into the much more sanitary bowl that the very same person who would be inducing my vomiting had cleaned, maybe even that morning, but no earlier than yesterday evening.

I’m glad that despite my body and mind finally able to dance in synchronization, in hatred with one another, they do so now at the pace of a couple who’s practically danced out, at the very final song of the evening, ready to retire for the evening, so exhausted they won’t even engage in the usual fuck before tuning out. I say nothing to her, refuse to look at her, and retire to my own bedroom, as hastily as my body allows, afraid to reveal, to allow to leak from within, even the smallest fraction of the hate, the resentment I feel toward the woman who’d taken such pains to bring me into the world, afraid to let her know how I’d wished she’d never done such a thing, afraid to let her know how I’d wished those nine months would’ve never existed, along with the years that have followed.

***

It’s dark and it’s much colder here on the North Rim of the Canyon. The sun’s long set and the stars are out. The edge of the Canyon seems so much more distant, so much less dangerous in the cover of the night, only the branches at the ledge visible, the short shrubs hiding from view the distant, deadly floor of the massive hole in the ground.

Back then, it was the fear of an afterlife in damnation that would’ve kept me from leaping into that deadly crevasse, if I so desired. Today and beyond, something much more powerful, something so very different keeps my steps solid, keeps my attention and focus on the beauty, the life that brims in even this harsh environment. I know the love, the miracle, the divine that is life. I’ve decided to embrace each and every precious moment of my existence and it is an irrevocable embrace, an inextricable embrace, one whose memories will never fade, even in the darkest of moments, the lowest of points.

[audio=http://ia311206.us.archive.org/0/items/Khateerah-Ramadaan-Day3ByImamZia/Khateerah_Day_3_Ramadaan_Fajr_by_Imam_Zia_64kb.mp3]

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This talk was conducted at the ISI - Islamic Center of Irving,TX.
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May Allah(SWT) give us the Tawfiq to understand and practise what we have said. Ameen.
Jazakaallah.