**off track a bit**

BF's room is ready to sleep in! =D double-HURRAY! gonna meet him later anyway. =P Am i angry for yesterday's issue? somehow yes tho. =/

But strangely, i got over it this morning. =P maybe i saw daddy and mummy early in the morning before i headed out for tuition. =D Cause normally, my parents won't be at home so early. HAHAHAS.

--Back to track--

My current semester is ending soon though. Typically, i just can't wait for holidays to come. =P I know that i can't travel without

1. BF

2. Both parents

around. sad eh? =x But no choice and stay on in SG ( i think till end of this year i will get to get out of SG for 1 week at least? =/ ) and enjoy life ( yes, i self-consoling. HAHAHAS ).

As Ximiao ( one of my good friend ) is currently at Maldives? ( so Duhs lo. =x ) and rest of the friends can't travel either. So have to be more obedient and stay in SG for the whole upcoming holiday. But i gonna spend it by teaching tuition. Hohoho! Ya, to earn extra moo-lahs~ though. $.$

Hee

*Checklist:

1. EBM's self-reflective journal (starting today. =P)

2. Co&Co final assignment ( finished 2 though,left one more to go)

3. MSID Test cases ( i don't know when i will have the mood to do also. HAHAHAHAS. )

4. OPSY Main examination ( studying in process... )

5. EBM main examination ( studying in process... )

6. CMSK2 Interaction in Workplace ( meeting report? hmmm~ )

hmm...guess no more? =P

Not much left though. This term seems more slack compared to the previous term. Okies, i admit that previous term i vented my anger badly, skipped ALOT of classes ( which includes both tutorials and labs. ) ,quarreled with my groupmates, turned face against them, kept on falling sick , skipped my Term Test. Yah, somethings like skipping term test was just an escape from school. =/

Really, i almost went BERSERK last term. =/

Thankful that i went passed it already. =D

Till then...

Off to study! ^^

he picked me

So I bought a book called Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert, and bragged that I would have it finished by the end of the flight.

It's been a week and I'm still not finished, but that's not the point. They turn the lights out on the plane, and unless you want to be that one annoying bastard in your isle with the light on, it's time for movies or sleeping.

Don't let the title fool you. It is not a self-help book or a book that tells you how to become happy whatsoever. It is a psychology book that Amazon.com explains better than I can:

In his witty and engaging new book, Harvard professor Gilbert reveals his take on how our minds work, and how the limitations of our imaginations may be getting in the way of our ability to know what happiness is.

What I'm coming to understand lately is, that unless you're really fascinated and curious about life's meaning and what it means to be human, all that out-there type stuff, it's probably best to keep the hell away from it! Why? Because while it's fascinating, it's just far too sobering. We are nowhere near in as much control as we like to convince ourselves to be. And life essentially doesn't have a meaning other than what you give it. After all, what meaning could there possibly be that would satisfy everybody in the world without it deteriorating every time you heard it?

I think I'm starting to get a better understanding of why people like their religions so much. Even though I don't accept their answers, the fact that they have answers seems to make them satisfied. I only sort of came to the realisation that I'm heading towards (bear with me here) nihilistic and post-modernistic tendencies (take a breath...).

Essentially I've been setting the bar way too bloody high in terms of what I should be expecting of the world, and trying to find more answers just seems to make things worse.

Maybe it's time to dumb myself down a bit and simply get my head out of the clouds.

On a side note, I spent my entire life hating eggs (fried, scrambled etc). To the point where as a kid I'd come close to vomiting. After all, notice how everything bad smells like egg (farts etc.)? Then about two months ago I started getting massive cravings for egg at breakfast. So I started cooking French toast. Now I've been eating fried eggs on toast on a regular basis. What the... ?

http://thisdevilsworkday.wordpress.com/

Si anak xyz tadi ribut banget. Aku sama shinta gak konsen nih ngeliatin trotoar. Kita kan lagi serius ngitung batu-batu di jalan ! (ampun deh saking ga ada kerjaannya. Trus si anak x, si anak gendut yang kayaknya pemimpin geng itu, ngomong tiba-tiba dengan suara ultramegasupersonik pisan :

X : eh kamu, kamu. Tau nggak sih kamyuuuu??

Y dan Z : apa apa apaan dong apa an dong apa an dong dang ding dong ???

X : (nunjuk satu rumah gede pinggir jalan)

Kamyu tau nggak ? itu tuh rumah aku yang ke 540 lohh !

Anjrit, aku sama shinta langsung ngakak duaan, penumpang lain juga nahan ketawa. Dia tuh udah ngomongnya di loudspeaker, malah malu-maluin gitu. Sumpah deh malu banget aku kalo jadi temennya dia. Omongannya sangat nggak penting. Dan sepanjang perjalanan dia nunjuk—nunjuk tiap rumah dan ngulang-ngulang kata-kata itu.

Ada lagi yang laen

X : (pas ada poster gede2an dada rosada)

Ya ampyun. Itu kan partner ayahku. Anak buahnya ayahku.

Y : oh. Emang ayah kamu siapa ? yang itu bukann ? (sambil nunjuk tukang

bangunan berwajah madesu)

X : nggak dhong. Dia cuma ngaku-ngaku jadi ayah aku ! kasiaaan ya.

Saking terkenalnya aku sich.

Z : oh gitu yahh (manggut-manggut sok setuju. Mungkin takut didudukin

sampe ter-pejret-pejret)

X : oiya ! kalian tau Einstein ?

Z : yaiyalah masa yaiyadong durian aja dibelah nggak dibedong !

X : aku kasih tahu kalian rahasia yahhh !

Y+Z : apa? Apa?

X : Einstein itu……

Y+Z : ……… ya ?

X : ikutan ngaku-ngaku jadi kakek aku !!!

Aku : *gubrakk* Astaghfirullah.

Kita langsung ngakak plus plus. Apaan sih tu anak ?? kirain fakta soal Einstein soal Einstein pas mudanya nggak laku apa gimanaaaa gitu. Ehh ternyata. Malah narsis-narsisan. Pengeeeen rasanya aku tusuk si anak gemuk yang naudzubillah narsisnya pake jangka. Siapa tau reaksinya ? bisa meledak, kempes, bolong terus isi perutnya meletrek keluar (nggantiin sinder bolong, jadi sinder bodong aja), ato si jangka malah mental ? haha, bagus juga tuh bisa dijadiin soal pilihan ganda :

1. bila satu anak gendut ditusuk oleh jangka sepanjang 9 cm dengan kedalaman

6 cm, menurut hukum kakeknya, Einstein, apa yang akan terjadi ?

a. si anak bakal meledak jadi serpihan karet kayak balon helium

b. si anak jadi kempes sambil ngeluarin bunyi kayak nahan kentut 7 hari

c. badan si anak bakal bucrat dan muncrat-muncrat darah dari perutnya

(edian, sadis amat pilihannya)

d. begitu ditusukin, jangkanya nggak bisa nusuk, malah terpental-pental

saking tebel kulit si anak yang gak tahu malu.

Yeyyy, malah ngelantur gini. Pulangnya di rumah, aku ngomong sama sodara aku sambil niruin gaya si anak tadi.

Aku : mbak tau Pevita Pearce ?

Sodara aku : Iya. Yang kurus tinggi langsing itu kan. Yang putih cantik itu ?

Aku : yap. Mbak tau ? aku kalo liat pevita pearce jadi serasa lagi

bercermin gitu. Habis muka kita tuh, gimana ya mirip gitu lah.

Sodara aku : ras, mata kamu udah nggak bisa diselametin pake kacamata.

Mulai sekarang, nasihat dari mbak, pake kaca pembesar aja ya.

Ahahaha. Aku ngebayangin make kaca pembesar. Malah senyum-senyum sendiri. Sodara aku langsung ngacir dengan ketakutan. Takut ketularan error kali ya ?

Oh iya ! aku juga pernah hampir lupa gak bayar, buru-buru sih. pas udah mo jalan ke rumah, si sopir sibuk nglakson “DIIIN DIIIIN”

Aku dengan santai melenggang. Trus sopirnya tereak kenceng “WOI NENG DUITNYA MANA ?” omaigaatt malu tenan deh. Seangkot ngeliatin aku. Aku buru-buru balik dan bayar angkot. Semua orang tetep liatin aku dengan tatapan yang berarti ‘wah ini dia anak malu-maluin yang ngacir gak bayar ongkos angkot. Seenak bodong aja asal tinggal gitu. Udah jauh-jauh naek angkot malah ngacir kabur.’

Sopirnya ngeliatin aku. Maksudnya melototin. Dalem ati aku cuma ngomong ‘Pak, ga usah melotot, ntar matanya jatoh lohhh ntar repot lagi’ beuh. Tadi kan sopirnya ngebunyiin klakson. Aku kira dia ngebunyiin salam perpisahan ato selamat jalan pake sandi klakson gitu. ternyata……

and i am not so willing to throw myself into dangerous situations
or damage myself to get somewhere im not even sure i want to go.
or spend time with people i fear or people i know i wont like.

now i feel that ive fallen in love with my life instead.
im gonna stop trying to micromanage my future and im going to relax.
this last year has taught me alot of things.
who i am not anymore. who i dont want to become. who i really am. and what i want for my future.

i want a much bigger life than that.
what IS important is that i stop worrying and enjoy my life again. and have fun doing the things that i love to do. life is too short to worry. i need to roll with the punches.
im anxious and excited to redefine what i am doing right now and to begin the next phase of what i hope to become very big life filled with all of the things i care about.
i feel that this moment is like walking from one room to the next and shutting the door.
and what demons and mistakes and scars are in that room can no longer hurt me.

im retiring the girl who kept so much drama in her life that she wouldnt have to feel anything.
im retiring the girl who played characters in order to be what she thought people wanted.
im retiring the girl who gave herself to too many people who didnt deserve her.

im retiring the angry screaming terror that helped me fight for my life.
im retiring the jaded girl who doesnt believe in anything or anyone.
im retiring the girl who was careless with people and didnt take responsibility.
im retiring the girl who would destroy everything and leave everything in ruin.

im leaving them behind.

i dont need you girls anymore. but thankyou for getting me this far.
im shutting the door on you.

my life is beautiful because im letting it be beautiful. and im allowing it to happen.
and im taking all the good lessons. of hard work. patience. passion. fire. and faith with me.
i want to spend my time doing what makes me happy.. whatever that is.

We decided to go and find some squash courts near home and hire some racquets. In a stroke of good luck, we found the Woden Squash Centre, about a 5 minute car ride from where we live. There was a nice fellow behind the counter who enthusiastically told us the rates and hire prices for the courts and gear. When we asked to hire the gear, he was very apologetic, telling us that he had no actual racquetballs. Apparently he could not find anyone in Canberra that stocked them. We were very surprised! I mean, we just kind of thought that everyone played racquetball. we ended up playing some squash, and decided to search for some racquetballs later in the week.

Well, we went EVERYWHERE looking for them. About 6 sports stores, and 3 warehouses. Some of the salespeople had not even heard of racquetball. What the f*ck?

We ended up buying racquets and balls direct from the USA for less than the racquets would have cost here in Australia. We had them fast shipped by Fed-Ex. I highly recommend this service if you ever have the need. It costs a little more, but you get your stuff in about 3 days! Hooray!

So, we played about 5 games during our holiday. I am definitely getting better. I even beat John once. Booya! But now he tells me he will have to "amp up" a bit, as I am improving.

I think that apart from the obvious things that couples like doing in their time off together, racquetball would have to have been my favourite thing to do with John whilst we were on holidays. I think that having a friendly game of sports together has brought us closer, and that makes me happy.

however, what they fail to realize is that the truth always existed whether they knew it or not.  it was the lie they knew that changed everything.  untrue you say?   'ignorance is bliss' goes the old cliche.  but then again a rose by any other name is still a rose.  doesn't matter if you live your life calling it a tulip, shocked as you may be to realize the truth. 

it's by living lies that everything in our life changes.  you can't escape the essence of truths just by assuming they're not there.  at the end of the day, no matter how hard you believe that flower is a tulip or a poppy or a geranium, those thorns will find a way to cut your hand in the end. 

it always astonishes me how afraid people are of the truth.  just because you're told/living a lie doesn't mean that reality exists any less.  some would argue your perception of reality is the only form of reality.  and sure that is true in ways.  but even at your most perceptive moments, there are always things going on beyond your awareness and beyond control.

so why fear the truth. at least you'll know there are thorns to be weary of.

and best of all? I'm still the only princess in the castle, trust me its awesome to be spoiled by boys and treated special, even the dog is a boy ;)

here he is:  fake name: Eugene Hercules (priceless faces when we say this, we're such jerks!)

I have to say that I have proudly discovered my thoughts in Technicolor !  [well 50%]

As I have repeatedly mentioned before, not because I want to stress it, but because it's a constant in my life, I am a loner. And what I discovered today is the almost opposite meaning for loneliness and being a loner. Of course, at the strict level of literal meaning I already was clear on the difference with witch we perceive these two notions. What I didn't know, or had it stored somewhere in the back of my mind, but I needed something visually powerful to remind me of that truth, is that being lonely is not bad. It's something that can bring satisfaction, relief and comfort in days like these, when we are being bombarded with crimes, threats, pollution and so on. How can you look at those images and not desperately want to leave it all behind? That's what I am talking about .... that kind of lonely that lies in between the need for company and the need for peace.

It's not about the negative meaning of words like alone, isolated, secluded and such, it's about being one in a unrestricted place, a place of beauty and wonder. I am lonely when I spend days locked in my room, contemplating actions of the past, memories of sorts, photos and songs. But being [ even obligated ] in a place like those in the pictures, even if I were to be the only one, for the rest of my life, I most likely would not be lonely, missing something, but would rejoice the solitude, the silenced purity of those places. Why not be isolated? Isolated from disasters, bomb attacks, car cashes, disease, ugliness and the fading ... doesn't that sound a little bit like paradise ?

In order to round up my ideas. The point of this short "thinking" entry was not to put the spotlight of me being/feeling/ lonely or whatever the case, but to shed some light on the fact that being a loner can be a positive thing and should not always be perceived as something that comes with suffering or pain. It's just some people find comfort in being with ones self. Nothing is more rewarding and no one in this world can offer more that you can to your own self. All in all, I find it a pity that this kind of feeling is almost completely absent from people's daily lives, as they are more and more preoccupied to comfort others than their selves.

They were propbrably looking for information on John Cheever's short story "The Swimmer" which is one of the best unreliable narrators in short fiction.

It kind of made my day because I love that story...

Give me a break, I was an english major.

I've not ridden for a week, so this weekend I am going to ride my ass off.

And now I can put on my Sito+ and upjet!

Your dedication to the community will be truly respected.

Being the front line in helping mankind,
where u are susceptible to viruses
is one brave act!

Be proud of your professionalism.
Be proud of your job scope.

Lets give our salutations to ALL the nurses around the world.

A moment of silence to our dear Late Mr Raj.
You will always be etched in our minds.
Your teachings, your motivations, your sarcasm, your jokes.

May your soul be blessed....

I have known nice people before.  I have had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of kindness.  I have witnessed random acts of kindness that brought a smile to my face.   

What I witnessed (and had the honor to participate in) today  renews my faith in the human race.  One person doing something so simple, yet so meaningful, for a total stranger.  This person didn't have to do what he did.  He didn't even need to give it a second thought.  To him it may not seem like he did much.  To him, it was only an email.  To him, it was something to which the outcome didn't really impact him at all, had it turned out differently he'd still be happy.  To the person on the other end of his kindness it meant the world.  To her children it meant just as much.  She'll never forget what he did.  I'll never forget what he did or how he made her feel. 

Note to self: Don't let this one get away.

"You must be the change you want to see in the world." ~ Mahatma Gandhi

I started to think about the way I live my life and the amount of change that has occured in my life due to myself wanting to please other people instead of what I want to do... and it always seems like I am unhappy the more that I focus on others needs because I always want to help those who feel like they don't need help or want help so I get taken advantage of. So....onto more change... more change in the persuit of happiness.
It really doesn't take much to make me happy. I like to think of myself as a pretty easy to please person. Small things make me happy. I can handle the big stuff on my own much easier - I just need help in between. Anyway - I love change.. that's probably why I talk about it so much, because I find it so interesting. Not sure if anyone reading this finds it interesting.

On another note - since I started blogging... for some reason - I feel more confident in myself. It's like - I get on here - put my thoughts out there ... and then it's out. I hold back a lot of myself sometimes worrying that anyone will get to know "the real me" - even though my friends will argue that they all know the real me, and that I am easy to figure out ... Maybe I am?! I guess that isn't really a bad thing.

This weekend should be cool - I am going out to another dance thing with MUST.NOT.DIE and then saturday I have an acoustic show at the java lounge and sunday another show at the upstairs. oh man I wish I actually made money on these shows sometimes.. it's so much work!! I just keep telling myself to be patient. It has been over 10 years I have been doing shows and I think that finally it may be coming around .... but the music industry is so up and down.
Ah well - KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!!!

Went for laoda's birthday yesterday.
The food was yummy-licious! Shall update another day when I get the pix!

So I was super high today.
Cos it's the last day of TA!
Not that I hate it or something.. Just that it's getting a little boring over time and I miss sleeping without having to be disrupted by my alarm every morning. tsktsk.
Not really into the mood of observing today...
Hahaha the whole day I was thinking about giving the food to my kids..

Went in for lesson today and the kids were totally restless.
Cos their class has planned a little surprise for me.
It's supposed to be a secret.. but kids are still kids..
I try to pretend not to hear but I keep hearing comments like

"I can't wait for last period of Math"
"Luckily Ms. Tan never see what's under my book"

Dunno whether to cry or laugh.
So my CT gave me this class photo laminated with all their names plus some personal message written behind.
And of cos kids favourites. Cards and little presents =D

I called some of them little monkeys so they wrote in their card:
"Dear Ms Tan, please come back to the monkey farm to teach us. The little monkey will miss you.."
And she still sign off as little monkey.
Hahah so cute rite?

Got to relief some of their classes after math..
Spent the time taking photos with them in the library. tsktsk.
Gonna miss my favourite girls.. The monkey farm as they call it.
Totally love my 3Grace girls!
Think they are the cutest and sweetest bunch of kids around =D
LIke what my friends usually say about me, I really think I show more favourism towards 3G than any other class. tsktsk.

my monkey farm

Spot my fav girl! lolx
(hint: she appears in all photos =P)
And I think this girl looks like the cartoon Dora!

But I was quite *** by one of my CT oso.
cos it was the last day of of one pupil (think she's leaving for England or something) and she wanted to take a class photo.
So she approached me and ASK ME TO TAKE A CLASS PHOTO FOR THEM!
I seriously wanna roll my eyes at her at that moment, not that I love to be in the photo or something.. but at least I was still in her class for 5 weeks lo! Damn.
Make me feel so outcast.

And the CTs returned our checklist back to us after school.
Not too bad.. 
Except that the same CT mentioned that I didn't show enthusiam and concern for her students in the first few weeks of her class.
Argh.. She didnt even gif me opportunity to interact with her class la!
How to show enthusiam like that. *Pui*
And partially cos I wasnt very interested in her class too =P
Sitting behind to observe English lessons when I am not even supposed to be doing English. Hahah.. it's really tormenting for a Math person lo.
But overall.. she's still a nice CT la...
Learnt quite alot from all of them.. The teachers are especially helpful and friendly. Hope my next TA school will be like that too *fingers crossed*

Wanted to go out with the rest of the trainee teachers for a celebration.
But decided to postpone it to next week since Emm has to meet her NSC.
So the three of us are going on a haircut outing together!
Went out with Jia to our favourite hangout -- K box! hahaha.
Quite high.. Singing all the LKK songs..
And I bought her a MP3 today. Haiz.. Another big hole in my pocket.
But she needs to pay me back double if she didn't fulfill what she promise me.
Need to spur her on to do better in school.
Anyone wanna spur me on the same way?  I want wii!!! lolx.

(may I also mention that I am SUPER glad wordpress automtically saves every  couple of minutes, because for some reason, it won't let me save on my own when I am on my computer at work!)

Anyways. Back to this job. I like the people I work with.. with exception to the woman I am replacing. Shes a nice person-- ok so shes not nice. Shes condescending and judgemental.. But I'm sure she has her nice moments!! All of the big wigs are cool and funny.. with the exception of one or two.. And my boss is great. I like that I can joke around with her and that she actually has a sense of humor! Which, suprisingly enough, is often hard to find these days!! For example, she will tell me to go do something, and I will reply with a simple "No" or "yea I really don't feel like doing that right now." She will tell me to "shut up" and then I will go do whatever she told me to do. It's great.

Another example for why I like this job: I am making cookies..RIGHT NOW. And OMG they smell SOOOOO good. We are having a meeting in here.. well I'm not but other people are.. So I made them a bunch of cookies.. Like hot-from-the-oven, Otis Spunkmeyer cookies.. I have been pretty good about not eating them and being a fatty when we make them.. So today I only had one--  ok 3 but who's counting?!

Some of the stuff I do right now sucks. But hopefully my promotion will happen soon! And I can make more monies and do pretty much the same stuff I do now.

It rules.