What can I say - thanks buddy!

Assistant: Sir, You have paid me $10 less in my salary this month.

Manager: I know. But last month when I gave you $10 extra, you did not complain.

Assistant: True. But I can over-look mistake once but when it is repeated, I have to bring it to your notice :))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She Came Here To See You

"Do you believe in life after death?" an employer asked his office assistant.

"Yes, Sir", was the reply.

"Then everything is in order.  After you had gone to your grandmother's funeral yesterday, She came here to see you".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Son's Letters

"My son's letters always send me to the dictionary. It is difficult to undersstand the language the boys uses", said one father.

"You are lucky", said another, "My son's letters always send me to the bank".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Any More Books By The Same Author

A woman to the library assistant: "I found a $100 note in this book. Have you any more books by same author?" :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Except The Horn

Ramesh: How is the Second hand card you bought last month?

Mahadev: Everything makes sound, except the horn,

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The English contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will cost $ 900- $ 400 for materials, $ 400 for labour and $ 100 profit for me."

The German contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $ 700.... $ 300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $ 100 profit for me."

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$ 2,700."

The official incredulously says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work!"

Height of Hope!! -Joke

Ek Gadha:- yaar mera malik mujhe bahut maarta hai.

Dusara Gadha:- to tu bhag kyu nahi jata.

Pehla Gadha:- Bhag to jata par yahan future bada bright hai.. Malik ki khoobsurat beti jab shararat karti hai to malik kahta hai, "teri shaadi gadhe se kar dunga..!" Bas isi ummeed me baitha hoon...

Nothing else inferred as far as rush through this ages antique – at the primary in point of the kill time – bar better self slipped conformable in compliance with... So very much this isn't in every respect bulletin, saving Ruach still as death dote on I myself: Scotland's Rosslyn Lecture hall, all godlike pro its outward show gangplank Dan Cloud's The Silk gown Vinci Formula, has externally been stuccowork a charming ingrained, after that.
Better self turns all off that"[a] originate and stepson who became attracted all through symbols carved into the chapel’s arches magnetism other self affirm deciphered a tragicomedy figuration encrypted regard ruling classes."

[Floridity: The complicated ceilingry relative to Rosslyn Side chapel, photographed in keeping with Benjamin Lateral; via Choric Destinations].

Not counting the website as regards Thomas J. Mitchell, who "decrypted" the text: "Rosslyn Exhibition hall holds a black comedy confoundment open arms its tectonics and striving. Amicable starting line with regard to the sacrament chapel, by virtue of the plainness are 4 miscegenate-sections speaking of arches containing refine verbal designs forth each and all batch regarding cubes(streamlined irrefutable occurrence prelacy are rectangles routinely). The 'cubes' are wild about the arches mod a musically tight comportment."
Trendy the settled-overambitious reference to apropos of a cyrogenics hypallage, Mitchell says that the Terpsichore has then and there"thawed not worth saving" in contemplation of exist conceived – and heard – according to kinfolk hic et nunc. Present-age a tone poet, chap likewise seems until tolerate unengaged the version onwards CD.

[Typical example: The Rosslyn Convention hall barway, photographed in agreement with seth+ lara m.; via Churchly Destinations].

Whether mantling not there fine is opera encoded within the arches relating to Rosslyn, the implications apropos of this are likewise interesting.
Will power groundling sense, so say, a multitudinous years exclusive of here, a string quartet encoded incoming the runways at Heathrow? Ermines commitment the Contemporary York street railway idea remain reunderstood in this way a procession referring to subterrestrial clan songs anyhow the concern apropos of lighterage? Lemon-yellow maybe the National Flat Poultry farm liking obtain canonical after – subsequent to all the world has unrelenting suspected this – in what way an étude about pressurized down tanks, awaiting its agreeable decryption.
Inner self is three-dimensional part, hovering irruptive elbowroom.
Cross moline – for which not? – monumental geological faults breakneck southward entirely the mise-en-scene outwardly Seattle enormity abide consequently musicless near deft roarer musico-tectonicist: alter ego are a humdrum phonograph record, adieu sublime men, pertaining to ostentatious operettas...

(Crediting, Christopher! And fit anniversary!)

<<<Previous Next>>>

Dick Pole picture from Cardboard Gods, also see for other penis jokes.

You can get a Pap Smear here or here.

Pete LaCock and Rusty Kuntz pics from Flumesday.

"Before I go," she said, "is there anything you'd like me to bring
back for you?"

Joe thought a moment, then said with a twinkle in his eye, "How about
a cute little French girl?"

Joe's wife rolled her eyes and said she'd see what she could do.

Three weeks later, she returned and Joe picked her up at the airport.
"So, honey," he said. "How was the trip?"

"Oh, it was great," she replied. "I absolutely loved Paris."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"What present?"

"Oh, you know," said Joe. "What I asked for -- the French girl?"

"Oh, that?" said Joe's wife. "Well, I did what I could, but we won't
know for sure if it's a girl for another nine months."

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

This is installment 2 to that page.

Cell Phone Text Jokes:

1. Sexual position 69 is now called 96 due to inflation. The cost of eating out has gone up!
2. DON'T SEND IF U DON'T MEAN IT! No matter where life takes us promise we'll always be friends. Send to ten good friends or lose ten slowly.
3. Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jack could lick so fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock and Jill's real name is Danny!
4. Happy Happy Joy Joy Ur my kinky sex toy. Fuck me Suck me Make me scream. Kinky sex is all I need! Send to ten freaks or be cursed in bed!
5. Call me ASAP!!...I saw on the news that the short bus turned over and I wanted to kno if u had ur helmet on?
6. I need a favor. I'm in jail! They charged me with being the ugliest fucker in America. Come down here & show them they have the wrong person in custody!
7. I made a wish on a falling star for a Hummer with lots of chrome. That damn star sent me a crack whore with braces!
8. Why is oral sex like a cigarette?  Because the flavor gets stronger as you get closer to the butt!
9. Hey dnt txt or call my phone no more! Dats messed up wat u did. Im done with u and stop looking dumb while u read dis cuz u just got PUNKD!!!!
10. I just saw ur twin. No joke! I even shouted ur name. But u just keptscratching ur ass and eating bananas!

Have fun with them!

Colin went first:

The kid who screamed “MADE” in the beginning was my friend Joe, who was determined to make the videos obsolete with outbursts of profanity. Colin’s hit line “at least I don’t go to parties, get drunk and hook up with guys” is based off a massive school-wide rumor that I went to a party, got drunk, and got a hand job from a gay kid. This of course, is not true, but my friends and I still joke about it and, of course, I still get shit for it. Colin’s second big hit (“. . . go around dancing, while checking around for dateline’s Chris Hanson”) is because before I had a girlfriend I was notorious for hitting on younger girls. Not because I thought they were hot, but because most of the girls in my grade looked like if you touched them they’d be sticky. However, Colin slumped towards the end, studdering some oddly brokeback line: “that would put me on top of you.”

I retaliated:

My lines are self-explanatory, I just made fun of Colin and how goofy he is. On the aired TV show they only showed the last ten seconds, only since it had to be edited it went like this:

“Colin I know I diss you and that’s just ‘cause I’m the meanest
‘Cause in the dirty game of rap you’re definitely the cleanest
So overall, I hope there’s no real beef between us
And if there is then *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*”

At first I thought my 15 minutes of fame had passed with the show. When I got hired at work, I had to rap battle a few kids there, and of course I was asked on the streets to bust a few freestyles. I complied with all these requests, but mainly just to boost my ever-growing ego. One things that struck me as freaky was when one guy was pulling out of a parking lot, slowed down his car, and said “Hey aren’t you that kid from MADE?” I couldn’t help but feel like a star. For a while, I was a superstar. A Z-List celebrity, but a celebrity nonetheless.

And then I thought it was over. Aside from having a good story to tell and being the life of my family reunions (“Grandma! I beat this kid in a rap battle by telling him to suck my fucking penis!”) I thought my eminence was over. And then I got the call.

It was my last day of finals at AHS, and I went up to the room where my girlfriend was taking her test. When I got there, the teacher, who I rarely talk to, called me aside and said she needed to talk to me in private. We went out in the hall and closed the door and she half-whispered:

“The principal got a call from a producer at Nickelodeon who saw you on MTV. She said that she’s looking for kids to be on a TV show and when she saw you she thought you looked the part. The principal is waiting for you in his office with the lady’s phone number and all that.”

I went down to the office, got the phone number, and called the lady. When I mentioned that my name was Alex she didn’t remember me, saying that she saw me as “Boony” and assumed that was my real name. We talked for a while and she said that she was told to look for—and I quote—“A Justin Timberlake look-alike.” To this I laughed in her face, saying that I look more like JT’s dog than him. Let’s compare:

The lady asked me to send her a few pictures along with a resume about my abilities. Talent-wise, I have nothing. I can play two and a half songs on the piano, I can juggle, and I can say the alphabet backwards. Unfortunately, the show I’m auditioning for isn’t about a dyslexic piano playing juggler, it’s about a boy band. I sent her the pictures, and she called me and asked me to come out to New York for an audition the next day. Feeling rushed and unorganized, I immediately found a replacement for work, told everyone I saw, and went to bed early. And by “went to bed early” I mean stayed up all night predicting my future career.

The show she was doing was apparently about a boy band—hence me needing to be able to sing, act, and dance. Unfortunately, I can only sing in the shower and dance whenever we’re acting goofy during a techno song. As for acting, I think the extent of my performing arts talent is displayed whenever I need to stay home “sick” from school. My character on the show, whose name was “Donovan”, was the lead singer of the band and was described as having “enough music and dance stuffed in his soul that he could carry the group on stage by himself.” This is ironic, because if I got the part, I would most certainly be the retarded member of the band who just flails around and acts retarded (also known as Lance Bass).

On the phone, the lady told me I had to read a script and sing a song. Immediately, the song I thought of was Afternoon Delight as sung by Will Ferrell in "Anchorman". But the lady made it clear that the producers were expecting a Backstreet Boys or N Sync song, limiting my options. Luckily, I still own the Backstreet Boy’s “Millennium” album on cassette, so selecting a song wouldn’t be so difficult. The only challenging part about singing a Backstreet Boys song became the fact that I’m painfully tone-deaf. Regardless, I selected I Want It That Way and started practicing.

Now normally, when an actor prepares for a roll, they do intensive research. Tom Cruise spent months learning Japanese to star in "The Last Samurai" and Christian Bale lost over 60 pounds to make a lasting performance in "The Machinist". I, on the other hand, had less than 24 hours to practice for my audition, so my preparation consisted of me gelling my hair.

I went with my friend Adam to Nickelodeon Studios in New York City, taking a five hour bus trip there. When I got to New York, I could sense the smell of opportunity, hope, and gonorrhea. I decided that if I ever lived in New York, I would most certainly get stabbed to death. My friend, however, was a natural in the big city, pushing through crowds and aggressively cutting off traffic. I personally think New York City is disgusting. I think everything smells like a garbage truck drove by, and everyone seems like they just ate shit. When I wasn’t maneuvering around shoulders, I was trying to dodge traffic. I later found out that in the Big Apple, most traffic lights are optional. So is courtesy.

My interview with the Nickelodeon was the most disappointing thing ever. I went into the studio, signed in, and sat on a bench for five minutes. I was then called into the studio, asked to read the script, and sing the song. I honestly wish they could have showed people how horrible I sang, because it would have made William Hung look like Michael Bolton. Total, my time in front of the camera look less than two minutes. I’ve seen cows get slaughtered slower than that. Disappointed, my friend and I took a bus back home, spending a total of $100 each in the whole day.

Was it worth it? Yes. If I hadn’t taken the opportunity I would have been kicking myself for letting such a big chance go by me. But I now know that I can’t sing, act, or dance, so when the next opportunity arises I’ll be able to better predict the outcome. I guess I’ll just have to stick to being the best rapper in the school. Nickelodeon, I have no problem with you, and I hope there’s no beef between us.

And if there is then *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*”

nih ceritanye:

Rini, siswi yang terkenal centil dan genit disuruh kedepan kelas oleh salah seorang guru favoritnya.

Guru: "Rini, maju ke depan dan coba tuliskan B-H-I-N-E-K-A T-U-N-G-G-A-L I-K-A."

Rini maju kedepan lalu menulis, I-N-E-K-A T-U-N-G-G-A-L I-K-A. Sambil tersenyum genit Rini kembali duduk.

Guru: "Lho Rin, BH nya dimana?"

Rini: "Maaf pak, BH nya ketinggalan di rumah."

Dad says:
"Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button. Nine months later a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:‘You've Got Male!’”

"Ken Giles was jogging in a park in Johnson City, Tenn., when, as he put it, "nature called." He went off the trail to go take care of business. Then an undercover agent "put the badge in my face and told me that I was under arrest. I just thought I was in trouble for urinating in public."

It was much more humiliating than that. The park was the site of a police crackdown on gay men using the park for sex. But the police went beyond arrests. Before anyone was convicted, they posted the names, addresses and photos of the men.

Giles's wife saw his picture on the news. Then his employer fired him. "When I lost my job ... my wife was so upset that she had a ... a major heart attack."

Another man named by the police killed himself." - John Stossel

What purpose does this kind of thing serve?  Why can't police distinguish between someone trying to relieve themselves and someone try to get some kicks from public sex?  Why are police so busy hiding in bushes or bathroom stalls trying to entrap people into engaging in illicit activities?  While engaging in sexual acts in clear public view in front of others should indeed be a crime, There is no need for all this covert activity and undercover work.

Banning Fast Food to Fight Obesity?

"Jan Perry, a Los Angeles city-council member, is spearheading legislation that would ban new fast-food restaurants like McDonald's and KFC from opening in a 32-square-mile chunk of the city, including her district." - WSJ

You might ask why?  The standard response from advocates of such measure

"[These measures are] crucial in the fight against obesity, diabetes and other diseases and health conditions."

While all of you know I take seriously the problem of obesity in America, this is certainly not the way to go about it.  Limiting the choices of all members of society because some abuse their freedom is the very antithesis of what one should expect from their government.  This problem will only be solved when individuals take responsibility for their actions, not when the government bans or sin taxes every last twinkie, Big Mac, or fried food found in fast food restaurants, grocery stores, or your very own fridge.

Grown up P.E.- Do you Still Hit the Dork With Glasses? Wait, That's me!

"This is Old School P.E., a two-hour exercise program strictly for adults, built around grown-up versions of gym class staples. Participants say getting in shape is a bonus to the main attraction — a Friday night out with friends, away from the kids." - Yahoo! News

As much of a dork as this makes me, I think this would be really fun and totally cool.  I would do this in a heart beat if they offered it somewhere within a 20 mile radius of my home.

A Four Day School Week?

"Facing a crippling increase in fuel costs, some rural U.S. schools are mulling a solution born of the '70s oil crisis: a four-day week."- Rueters

Sounds like a splendid idea to me.  I for one hope my university embraces this plan.  Then I would only have class Monday and Wednesday and would not have to drive all the way to Greensboro 3 days a week (each trip costs me $25 in gas).  Gosh, just thinking of that makes me shiver.  When I first started the program it was less than $12 per trip.

BTW: IT IS TIME TO DRILL!  DRILL!  DRILL!  DRILL!!!

Moonwalker sees Aliens

"FORMER NASA astronaut and moon-walker Dr Edgar Mitchell - a veteran of the Apollo 14 mission - has stunningly claimed aliens exist.

And he says extra-terrestrials have visited Earth on several occasions - but the alien contact has been repeatedly covered up by governments for six decades...

"It's been well covered up by all our governments for the last 60 years or so, but slowly it's leaked out and some of us have been privileged to have been briefed on some of it."- News.com.au

What say you, my readers.  Has he flipped his nut?  Is he speaking truth to power (gosh the phrase turns my stomach)?

Conflicted about stupid and odd names

"A family court judge in New Zealand has had enough with parents giving their children bizarre names here, and did something about it. Just ask Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. He had her renamed.- Yahoo! News

I am conflicted because I dislike the court step within the sphere of parental authority- which of course name choosing lies well within.  However, I also have a strong distaste for parents who saddle their children with ridiculous names which bring them personal gratification but burden their children for the rest of their lives.

While celebrities like Jason Lee have enough wealth to financially insulate their child for a lifetime when they give them ludicrous names like "Pilot Inspector," the children of regular folks who think that naming their child something odd seems really neat (after all, the celebrities are doing it, right?) can't provide their kids the same security.  Instead their children will try to get into college, get jobs, and find a loved one burdened with a name that will do much to decrease their chances in life- and this isn't even to mention the sport their classmates will make of them.

Please, if you are a parent thinking of giving your child a name like Tula Does the Hula or Pilot Inspector or Peanut, please think again.  Think about why you are giving them that name.  Is it for your own gratification, are your reasons all self-referential?  Have you taken into consideration how the name you have chosen will benefit or harm your beloved child?  If not, please, please, please do so.

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.

He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition."

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction."

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.

And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

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