Don't let me read any more sad books for a while, okay?

I just finished The Lovely Bones, and then I cried for an hour.  Now my face is poofy.

The book is, of course, sad.  However, it also has a beautiful image of heaven and a wonderful story of a family that ends up healed and whole after the death of their daughter.  I was comforted by the way Susie could look down on her family and be near them, even make herself known to them a time or two.  In the beginning, Susie spends time thinking of all the things she will never get to do, which of course was terribly hard for me to read, but the worst of it?  The absolute worst part was reading about her individual family members as they broke up under the pressure of their own grief.  That was what had me crying on the bus.  Honestly though, the book was wonderful.  It's just something that some of us will have to read alone, in the dark, with wine.

Verdict: A

Next up?  Who knows...  what do you follow up a sad book with?  I think I'll go with this:

• One month and one week: time until I am on my way to Oklahoma to visit Brandi!
• 10 months and 4 days: time since we said goodbye to Aodin.
• 7 months and 10 days: time since I started trying to GET HEALTHY!
• 24 pounds and 16.5 inches: what I've lost since the beginning of the year.
• 9 days: time until my yearly review at work.
• 2.5 days: time Amanda spent at our house over the weekend.
• $5: amount of money we spent at the old time candy store on the beach.
• 20 days: time until we can start moving in to our new place, a great house we're renting on the beach.
• 2.6 pounds: how many pounds I need to lose to reach my next weight goal.
• 2: number of Tylenol I have taken today to fight a tired headache.
• 45 minutes: time spent doing a core strength workout at lunch today.
• 25: number of girly pushups (knees down) I can now do.
• 5: number of real pushups I said I was going to be able to do by the end of last month.
• 0: number of real pushups I can currently do...  still working on that one.
• 2 pounds: how much I have increased the hand weights I use for strength exercises.
• 339: number of crunches I suffered through on Friday.
• 357 pages: length of the book I wrote that no one wanted to publish.
• 6504651: how many times I consider trying to publish it again, after some edits.
• 50: how many emails I have gotten today that were so unnecessary that I was able to immediately delete them.

• Yesterday I was on the bus thinking about... I don't know, something... and I was trying to picture myself older. Like gray hair, grandchildren older. I couldn't do it! It got me thinking, and I have never really been able to think of myself significantly older. I can picture other people, and I can create totally made up images, but I can never visualize myself in a way that really feels like truth. Is that odd?
• I miss Rome. My fantastic friend Beth, who was my roommate last summer, just went back for work and I saw some pictures. I am now determined to go back sometime soon.
• In case you're wondering, we haven't heard anything further from my troubled sister. Although I do spend some energy thinking of her and worrying about the quality of life her daughter will have, I have essentially dismissed her from my thoughts again. It is just the way I deal with her. I don't know if it's right or fair, and I certainly think it it a little cold of me, but I know no other way to deal with someone who constantly throws your love and affection back in your face.
• I am feeling Aodin's loss a little extra today. I don't know why some days seem better or worse than others. I don't feel terribly sad, but I just feel... I guess I would say that I feel like he is nearby today and, though I love the thought of it, it always pulls at my heartstrings a bit. I am hoping today's lunch time exercise helps lift my spirits a little without taking a way a sense of closeness to my precious boy.
• I am totally craving cheesecake today. I blame this.
• I have just discovered Imeem. Am I totally behind the times? Anyway, I made a playlist that I listen to at work, and I am loving this song by Marjorie Fair. Lyrics below:

I'm so tired of learning to talk, building fences on the wall.
In this state, I shall not remain.

I don't want to go, but if I die young, fill my empty room with the sun.
Fill my empty room with the sun.

This don't matter like it did before
This don't matter much anymore

Change my mind or help me to try.
I'm afraid and I'm not satisfied.
In this state I shall not remain.

I don't want to go, but if I die young, fill my empty room with the sun.
Fill my empty room with the sun.

This don't matter like it did before
This don't matter much anymore

Daylight is not the same when your stabbing at the stars in your eyes, and bleeding is what you see.

This don't matter like it did before
This don't matter much anymore

• Of course, let's not mention the several other songs on there... like this one by Timbaland, which is totally inappropriate for work and possibly inappropriate for life in general.  I am also liking this one by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and this one too, but my real favorites on the playlist are this and this, and several others by the Idan Raichel Project.  On their site they have the following quote, which I love:

Our ability to live in peace with each other depends first and foremost on our ability to accept all that is different between us.

I want to get closer to you, but let me be who I am.  I welcome you coming closer to me, while respecting who you are.

On our own individual paths we are all looking for the bread, the water, the wind and a dignified life.  And yes, we all cling to love.

We went to a tattoo shop near our house that our friend works at last night. He was in the middle of doing a sweet tattoo and we stood around chatting with him for a while. He was doing a nautical star with wings and clouds around it with the name "Stone" in a banner across the front. As we talked to the guy getting the tattoo and his wife, we learned it was for their son Stone who they lost when she was 5 months pregnant. The waterworks started instantly. I talked with her about it briefly and shared your story with Aodin, too. She was touched and glad to know she's not alone in the world. I told her about your awesome tattoo, too. After that, Aodin was heavy on my heart all night. I've been thinking of you three all day.

That is from her email to me yesterday. She has never even met me in real life, but she cried for my son! She tells people about him like she knew him too, which I am so confident that she did in spirit. This is what I wrote back:

I love you! You are so precious for being so very touched by Aodin's life. I cannot tell you what it means to me, or how very certain it makes me that you are a uniquely special person with a heart beyond measure. I absolutely cannot wait to finally see you in person and get that long awaited hug! I might cry... :) :) :)

I have been amazed by the kindness of people outside of our family circle through this whole thing, but I feel like Brandi is such a blessing in my life. I am so lucky! I have Aaron, I have my beautiful family, a mommy who is my best friend, and I have friends like Brandi. I have an amazing circle of online friends who give me so much support even though almost all of them are strangers in the real world sense. I am surrounded by people who have come together to hold me up when I needed the help, and who continue to make me laugh, smile, and sometimes even challenge my ways of thinking. I could not be luckier.

Maybe that sounds strange, considering what we have lost. But no, Aodin is as much a part of this feeling of luck and love as anyone else is. In fact, it is possible that he is the reason I can see any of this.

I miss my son, but I love my life.

Seen here.

Thanks to this post by Mrs. Spit, I came across the nasty comment left by one of Becky's readers.  Mrs. Spit has some fantastic things to say about the commenter's grammatical choices.  One in particular struck me:

"2.5" kids. Around the IF and babyloss world, we don't count babies in the womb or birds in the bush. How nice that you have always been able to count yours from day one. The rest of us count about when they start first grade. We consider counting them any earlier as hexing someone. This alone is enough to incur my wrath.

Funnily enough though, it struck me for the opposite reason.  I am bothered by the idea of "2.5 kids" in the same way that I am when people who know our story still say things like "when you're a mom..." or "when you have kids."  For me, I am irritated by the suggestion that the unborn baby is any less of a child just because it's still womb-bound.

I am so wary of anything that takes away the validity of these precious, short little lives some of us have been touched by.  Aodin is no less real, no less my son, for the terrible shortness of his stay with us.  On the other hand, Mrs. Spit is right... those of us who've lost are certainly not counting on anything these days.

This is quite a delayed posting. I made the collage on the 7th, but didn't put it up until yesterday. Today Aodin is heavy on my mind, and I keep looking at this collage.

I miss him so much, but I am looking at these images, and there is hope in them too. There is color, life and movement. There is love and beauty and strength.

I can't believe that I have been without him now longer than I was with him, that in fact that marker passed three months ago now. My world is forever changed.

And forgive me for the way this must sound, but I think my world is forever better. Not because I wouldn't give my world to have had the chance to raise Aodin, but because not having had him in our lives would have been unbearable.

In the days and weeks that immediately followed, I was angry and sad. I felt cheated. I asked. I begged. I pleaded. I offered up all sorts of trades and deals. I made promises. Through the rage and the grief, I forgot something.

I never asked for Aodin to stay. Not out loud anyway. Instead, I asked that whatever was best for HIM be done. Sometimes I wonder if I meant it. Would I take it all back? Would I trade?

No. Aodin has given me so much, taught me so much. Of course I wish he were here with me, but the truth is that those desperate requests in the hospital meant something after all. I just wanted what was best for my son. If it meant I didn't get to keep him then I would gather up all of my considerable strength and soldier on without him.

I think I have done that. I think I have earned the right to ask for one small thing from the world.

Please, when we are ready and the time is right, please let the next one stay.

Angel of Hope

• Musings and Travels
• Alive and Safe and maybe never going whitewater rafting again!
• My Next Vacation
• I can breathe in Yosemite

For instance: I know you all know that I love my husband.  I know you also know that I like him, which I have come to discover is a very different thing than love.  Thanks to at least one previous post, you've heard me praise his many virtues and fabulous traits.  And yet...  I still don't have enough words.  Tidbits like "love" and "happy" and "perfect" have begun to sound like the under-performing slackers of the vocabulary world.  Isn't there something more?  There has to be some other way to describe it.  I suppose not.  I suppose I have to settle for love Love LOVE.

Hardly an issue, right?

I also don't really know how to talk about some of the feelings I have been experiencing about myself lately.  As it turns out, much to my own shock, I really LIKE me!  I have always liked me on a personal level, but I am starting to like the rest too.  I have more and more days when I feel pretty, sexy, proud.  I am enjoying working out because I love the aftermath, when I feel strong and energized and so very pleased with myself.  I can already tell that my body is changing, and I am excited to see what I can do!

It's not all positive though.  I have also totally run out of ways to express some other recent feelings, like "overwhelmed" and "confused" and "sad."  Really though, this are minor things... background issues... a blip on my otherwise sunny radar.  I don't know if it's the exercise endorphins talking, but overall I feel...

genuinely happy

I am happy.  I never thought I would be able to say that again so soon.  Of course I miss Aodin.  Not a day, not a moment goes by when he is not in my thoughts and my heart.  We talk about him all the time.  I still hurt, ache, cry.  But I am HAPPY.  My life?  It's good.  Actually good.  Not good despite... not good even though... no qualification to it... just good.

I hope that's alright.

This is the list I made this morning while waiting for my WW meeting to start.  I have a clear list of grievances, and also some apparent issues.  To see the bigger picture and (as such) read the words a bit better, click here.

Let's go in order here:

1. Berlitz -- I sent my resume to Berlitz, the language company, because they were looking for part time instructors to work from home.  I figured it would be a great way to make extra money, get to teach, and not change anything about my schedule.  Turns out they aren't looking for English teachers, and I am not quite comfortable with teaching Italian... I am just not there yet.  So it fell through, which made me a little sad because I was excited about it.
2. Masters -- I have been thinking (again) about getting my Masters.  I just can't let go of the idea that it will help me out professionally, and it would be fulfilling a personal goal.  I have several issues though.  First of all, I cannot pay for it... not a penny.  We have WAY too much debt.  So that means finding a program that will pay for it all and/or some serious scholarships.  I also can't afford to work less, which means two things: finding an all online program and working full time while trying to complete a Masters program.  I am not SO worried about the time/schedule issue.  I think I can make it work.  I'll be stressed, but only for two years or so and then I will be done with it.  I AM, however, worried that the all online programs will not be seen as worth as much.  I am looking at one from a legitimate, accredited school that says your degree will mention NOTHING about it being online... so that might work.  The other online issue is that it doesn't offer me a specific.  I can't get an MA in Art History.  Instead it would be an MA in Humanities in which I could customize the course load to be art history heavy.  I worry that this will effect me if I ever intend to get a job in the field.  I have sent emails to my trusted professors to see if they have some advice on the issue.  I also feel a little bit of a rush on this one because the whole idea is to get it done in time for my kids to benefit from it... meaning I want to be done with the degree SOON.
3. I gained weight this week.  WHAT?  I sort of knew it was going to happen, but I am SO frustrated.  I gained 1.4 pounds after a week in which I exercised more than ever.  I ate decently.  I used a lot of my "extra" points, but not all of them.  I tracked everything.  They say it's a normal part of the cycle, but I am already having a tough time with motivation this week...  Plus, I so clearly have issues.  The bottom of the page is where I wrote down how I was feeling.  Frustrated, disappointed, confused, angry... these all make sense.  Justified?  As in... gaining makes me feel justified in all of my previous terrible thoughts about myself, including the ones listed below:  this is pointless, I am broken, why do I bother, am I a failure, and this is so typical of me.  See...  ISSUES.
4. I am feeling emotional this morning.  Some from the above stressers, some from too little sleep this week, some from some amped up missing of Aodin.  So it's been... interesting to come to work, since I discovered that the empty office in front of my cube is not empty today.  A woman from one of our other offices came in, and brought her two year old son.  He is adorable, he is precious and sweet and smart... he likes the toys on my desk and wants to eat my Cheez-its.  I want to steal him and take him home and cry.

Hope the weekend is better.  I am having lunch today with GITC, and then we are going sailing with my mother in law and her husband tomorrow, and to a barbecue with friends on Sunday, so I am counting on improvement.

Also, as a minor side note -- I finally started the Cyber Italian program and it is AWESOME.  I can tell I have SO much brushing up to do to get back to where I need to be, but I am really enjoying it.  So there's something happy, right?

Pour la sélection officielle, on retrouve le mélange des genres qui a fait la renommée de Cannes. A côté des habitués du Festival -les frères Dardenne (2 Palme d'or à leur actif !), Steven Soderbergh avec son très attendu "Che" (il avait gagné la Palme d'or en 89), James Gray qui présentait son "We own the night" l'année dernière, ou encore Wim Wenders- on retrouve des petits nouveaux parfois complètement inconnus du grand public.

Hors compétition (films qui ponctuent le festival sans être dans la compétition), les films sont bien entendu prestigieux et très attendus : le dernier "Indiana Jones" (film d'ouverture du festival), "Kung Fu Panda", "Maradona par Kusturica" ou encore le dernier film de Woody Allen pour ne citer que les plus connus.

Si vous voulez plus de renseignements sur la sélection et tout et tout, consultez le site du Festival.

En attendant, bon Festival et rendez-vous le 25 pour le Palmarès de la 61ème édition !

I enjoyed my first Mothers Day.

It was nothing like I was expecting.  I had a hard time in the morning, burdened by the unhappy realization that I would never get a sloppy card with misspelled words, a macaroni necklace, or even a hug from Aodin.  I would never look into his sweet face while he wished me a Happy Mother's Day or told me he loved me.

But that's alright.  It's not what I thought it would be and it is certainly not what I wanted, but it is the way it is.  And I am okay.  Really.

After a Saturday spent at a great local wine festival, from which we returned bearing two great bottles of wine, we had a beautiful Sunday.  Aaron woke me up by wrapping his arms around me and whispering "Happy Mommy's Day" in my ear.  Then he took me out to breakfast at my favorite local coffee place.  In the afternoon, we met his mom and spent some time with his Gramma as well.  We listened to a clarinet concert at her assisted living facility and spent some time chatting in her room.

In the evening, we saw Baby Mama.  It was funny and I enjoyed it.  Not life changing or poignant, but funny.  And then, as the lights came up and people began to file out of the theater, I totally lost it.  I cried and cried.  I ran to the bathroom, where I cried off all of my eye makeup and made the other bathroom users feel uncomfortable.

I missed my son.  I was suddenly torn apart by not having him to hold, to raise, to watch as he grows.  I felt angry and empty and cheated.  I cried for a good fifteen minutes.  And then, as suddenly as it had come, the tears passed and I felt peace.

Genuine, quiet, beautiful peace.  I'd like to believe it was a hug from my sweet son, a reassurance that I AM a mom, a GOOD one, and nothing can take that from me.

I ended the day, and my weekend, feeling calm and loved.  Aaron was fantastic and supportive throughout, not once trying to stop me from being sad.  He let it come, waited it out, and made me laugh once it had passed.

I am so lucky to have him.  I have never been more in love.

Becky, you rock.

It's our second to last "free" meeting (offered through my company) before I have to start paying her and submitting claims to insurance.  I have been seeing her every other week, and today she said she didn't think she needed to see me for our last free session for another month.  After that, she thinks I don't need to see her!  I guess that's good?

I figure I will just go it alone for a while and see how I feel.  Admittedly, I am feeling pretty stable and upbeat lately, so maybe I will be just fine.  I am not really worried though.  If I feel badly again, I can always call her, right?  :)

____________________________________________________________

Tomorrow, I am going to attempt a Weight Watchers meeting.  Just as background, here's what I had to say about the last one:

I don't think I am ever going back... It was just not my thing. First off, I walked in and stood there for ten minutes before someone finally offered to help me, or in fact acknowledged me at all. Then, no one in the meeting introduced themselves, including the meeting leader. No one asked my name or gave me the chance to say that I was new. No one spoke to me at all really, including the leader. Everyone was very private. It was weird. Also, we didn't talk about anything I didn't already know or at least have good access to online somewhere.

I guess I'm glad it wasn't the most awesome experience, since we really can't afford it... I was just hoping for something inspirational and motivating.

I am hoping I like this one better, as I really think I could use some support in this.  Plus, I hear that they offer pregnancy and nursing support as well, so that when that time comes around again I can keep a better handle on my weight gain.  I will, of course, blog all about it.

____________________________________________________________

I think I am going to register for an online Italian course through Cyber Italian this weekend.  The course is inexpensive, self-paced, and will probably do a lot to help me refresh my skills.  I took their online placement test and placed into their upper intermediate course.  Sad, because I think a couple of months ago I would have placed into the upper advanced one.  Anyway, I am sort of excited about trying it out and seeing what it does for me.  If it works out well, I can continue with the course through their highest levels and then, hopefully pass the CELI and get a certificate in Italian!  Of course this is all purely for my own benefit and has nothing to do with career goals or anything.  I figure it can't hurt, and I love Italian, so I am doing it for myself.  I'll call it my Mother's Day gift.

____________________________________________________________

Speaking of Mother's Day, my Mom sent me this today:

I actually found this online from a mom who had lost her son.

"YOU ARE A MOMMY and always will be, no matter where your child is. Even though some people might not recognize you, be proud! You love your baby the same as any mother and will always be one! Try to do something for you to celebrate that. Have your significant other take you out to a mommy dinner, get yourself a card, and try to treat yourself at least once during the day. When people ask if you are a mom, say that you are with pride and confidence BECAUSE YOU ARE!"

The link to the full article is here.

Now I just need to get the web design done.  Anyone willing to donate?  I just need a simple page with a form submission option.

I would love it if someone were willing to do the page design in lieu of a donation!

P.S. Can someone tell me why every time the only good looking guy in the building walks by my desk, I am eating?  Good thing I'm married.....

I have reached an uneasy peace with you thanks to the following revelation that I have finally, finally, come to embrace:

I AM a Mother.

I know it's not a revolutionary idea to most of you, but for me it has been hard to accept sometimes.  Could I be a mother though I have no child to hold, to feed, to dress?  Could I be a mother though I will not raise my son?  Is birthing him enough?

Yes, and no.  I can be a mother, I am one, despite all of these things.  However, no, birthing is not enough.  What makes me a mother is that I love him so fiercely that I would choose to lose him again if it was the right thing for him, if it spared him one moment's discomfort or pain.

So, Mother's Day, you can come.  I know that you will leave me with some tears, and some longing for my precious son... but that is not so different from any other day.  This is still my first Mother's Day.

I really think I will be grieving for the rest of my life.  It's just the "how" that will change.  It's interesting to see how this has changed me as a person.  As strange as it may sound, I am not sorry.  I sort of like who I am becoming.  I feel like a fancy glass vase or something...  a little more fragile than before, and definitely put through the fire to get here, but prettier for it all... Does that make sense?

I got a Laptop Lunch system, which is infinitely cooler than my current lunch transportation methods.  I also got this in the "new black" and the purple stripe, and this in the red and the light blue.

In much better, Project Flutter related news, I got my first official Project Flutter donation!  It was from my cute Mommy.  With it, I purchased almost everything I needed to get the care packages going!  The votive candles came in the mail yesterday, and the following things should be arriving tomorrow:

• cute plastic butterflies
• votive candle holders that I plan to personalize
• crystal angel pins
• silver angel ornaments
• beads for bracelets
• possibly something else cool, but I don't remember

I am super excited to send out the first packages, and will (of course) take pictures when I do!

I cannot now imagine a life without you.  After six years of dating and four years of marriage, TEN years together, I still can't get enough of you.  I love you more every day.

This past year has been an absolute revelation to me.  I have always known you to be strong and smart and good, a supportive husband and an admirable man.  Now I know you are also a father... one that will one day inspire insane jealousy in your children's friends.  You possess a depth of love and kindness that I could not have known until I watched your ignore your own pain at the loss of our son in order to see me through my grief.

I also saw you breakdown, just a little.  Maybe for my sake, and maybe for your own, you let your walls down and let me know just how deeply you felt our loss.  I needed that, and I loved you all the more for it.

You are my hero, my one true love, my very VERY best friend.  I could not have chosen a better person to share my life with.  You not only put up with, but genuinely enjoy my many oddities.  I wonder if I will ever stop finding it sexy when you always have an answer to my endless, child-like questions about the world.  I hope not.

Thank you for sharing your life with me.  Thank you for loving me so much that we managed to create life.  We made a people!  It may not have turned out like we expected, but we still managed to make a whole person just from how very much we like one another!  I am still amazed.  I can't wait to see how our future short people will turn out.

Thank you for putting up with my crap... my unnecessary shopping, my stinky feet, my aversion to cleaning, and the way I insist on talking to you while you are trying to fall asleep.  Thank you for warming my feet in the winter, and for always having a ready supply of genuine hugs.  Thank you for knowing when I need your help, even if I am not so good at telling you sometimes, and for understanding the one time that it was just too much and, for a while, I didn't tell you and you, despite your infinite understanding didn't know.  I'm sorry I retail-therapied so much.

Thank you for always walking the dog, no matter the time or the weather.  There's a reason you're her favorite I guess.

I love the way your eyes crinkle when you smile.  I love the way you look at me like you are falling in love all over again at least once a day.  I love how you never let a day go by without telling me you love me.  I love that you have big, beautiful dreams for us and that you are patient in explaining to me what needs to be done to make them happen.  I love that you work so hard, but still come home and want to hang out with me.  I love how much you read, and how you take the time to explain the plot of your computer/Xbox games to me.  I love that you never, ever play those games unless you know I don't mind.  I love that you let me have "me" time with my friends and family, even if it means you spend the weekend with the dog.  I love that you want to drive me to the bus every morning.  I like the extra time with you more than you might realize.

I love the color of your hair.  I love the way your hands are always warm.  I love how very hard you try to make me happy, even if you never listen when I tell you that I AM happy.  You make me happy, just by being with me.

Honestly, I could write forever.  I can think of a million things, some important and some seemingly insignificant, that make me fall a little more in love with you every day.  I could tell you in thousands of words and hundreds of pages.  So let me stop here and save the rest to tell you tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that... for all of the long years we will spend together, happier every day.

You are a part of my soul.  I adore you.

Today I let you go a little bit. I don't know how it happened or why. I wasn't particularly thinking of you... at least no more than usual. I was getting ready to get into the shower and there it was, a little feeling, a slip...

It was you. You slipped away, just a little. In the moments that followed, I realized that it was a good thing. It was another step in healing. I spent the next hour going through all of your things. I re-read my hospital journals. I held your baby blanket and little crocheted hat. I looked through your pictures. I studied your first and last sonogram.

And then I smiled.

Thank you.

Did you see how my cute husband updated the blog for me?  I sure like him.

I thought I would drop in briefly to say that I am doing pretty well.  I fall asleep every couple of hours, and I have to move really slowly or it hurts a lot... but otherwise I am doing pretty well.  I can already tell I feel better than yesterday, so I think this will be a fast healing process and I should be back at work by Wednesday at the latest.

I had a hard time waking up from anesthesia because I very clearly saw Aodin with me as I began to wake.  The more I woke up, the fainter his image became, and the more I cried.  I think the nurses were concerned, but for me it was beautiful and I was really happy.  I came out of it fine, don't remember any pain or fear, and I am now fully cyst free for at least another little while.

Aaron has been AWESOME, waiting on me and making sure I don't push myself too hard.  Just awesome.

I hope everyone is enjoying the weekend.  Go out and do something fun on my behalf.

P.S.  Project Flutter now has two people registered!  Yay!  I'd love if my current lossblog friends would go and register too!

I found some great potential stuff for the Project Flutter care packages, and I need to get a move on because someone already registered!!! So, please provide opinions on the following:

Journal -- These look ridiculous in the picture, but the journal is actually plain white canvas.
Plastic Butterflies
Butterfly Votives -- the picture shows these as personalized, but I would get them without the personalization and then use clear labels (which is all they use) to personalize them as needed.
Butterfly Beads -- for the bracelets...
Aqua/Pink Flower Beads -- for the bracelets...
Tear Drop Beads -- for the bracelets...
Angel Pins
Angel Ornaments

I am thinking definitely the journal and candle holders and all of the beads since I would use some/all of them in each bracelet. Maybe the butterflies, and the definitely EITHER the pins OR the ornaments. Then, obviously, the grief materials and hopefully a small stuffed animal?  That might have to wait though, since they are expensive for the decent ones, and I have no idea how to make one that doesn't look ridiculous.

So...  thoughts?

Right now I have a forum set up through another site and have posted a link on the Project Flutter page. Ideally, I'd like for everything to be on the same page so there is no confusion... but for now I think this will do. My plan is to use the "contact us" page to have people submit their information directly to me, and then I will send them their care packages.

Of course, this means I need to really figure out what will be in those care packages. Here is what I would like to include and, therefore, what I am taking donations of:

• cards for me to send with a small "welcome" note
• very small stuffed animals
• handmade jewelry -- pins, bracelets, whatever, for the Moms. I think it would be great if we could find a way to make angel wings pins, and I am probably going to make some stretchy bracelets like this one to include.
• kindness cards (Amy, that's all you!)
• YOUR grief stories -- I will print them all out and make a little booklet to send to people. I will also put in some of the information from the grief material that our hospital gave us, so feel free to include that sort of thing as well. I would ideally like to do two booklets, one of personal stories and one of general advice and information.
• small memorial items -- figurines, picture frames, ornaments, knitted/crocheted things, quilt squares... anything that can be displayed around the house
• candles -- I think the small votive candles in white, yellow, or other neutral colors would be good, though maybe some pink and blue too for people who tell me if their angel is a boy or a girl. I think I will design some wrappers I can tape around the candles.
• photos -- I will definitely include some of my butterfly pics here. I am hoping to get some nice, small photos, maybe 4x6 at the largest, that can be put in. If I get really industrious, I will make some sort of sturdy paper album for them.

I have also been playing around with the idea of gift cards, but I think not since that sort of looks sketchy, right? Hey, please send me gift cards.. Yeah, no.

I would also like to organize a balloon release or something once a year, but I think that might have to wait until there are more people so that people can at least find one other person in their general area. Maybe one day Project Flutter will be big enough to organize real get-togethers!!! :)

So there you go. Please let me know what you can do, or if you have other ideas, and start sending! As soon as I have ONE care package put together I am going to launch the site. Anyone who helps with the construction should also expect a care package, and should send me some brief bio information so that I can add you to the "who we are" page on the website.

Happy Wednesday!