As with all of my comprehensive draw analyses, I'll be dissecting this mofo quarter by quarter and eighth by eighth, working my forceps from the top of the draw down and predicting the winners for each section based on equal parts science and skill (and some ritual sacrifice, just to be certain).  Then, at the end, we'll sort through the mess we've made, put away the formaldehyde, and see who remains standing.  What fun!

So.  The top quarter of the draw is Fed's Quarter, even though sportswriters and psychics and mimes (and Djokovic) will all have you know that Roger, the five-time defending champion who has won 59 consecutive matches on grass, is on his last legs and can barely swing a racquet anymore, the poor man.  Well I don't believe any of that crap, especially since the Fed Express has a 52-1 record in the last 4-5 years against any of the players he is likely to face on the way to the semifinals (the breakdown: 6-0 vs. Soderling, 0-0 vs. Nishikori, 4-0 vs. Monfils, 11-0 vs. Hewitt, 11-1 vs. Gonzalez, 8-0 vs. Ferrer, 6-0 vs. Berdych, 5-0 vs. Ancic, 1-0 vs. Andreev).

Now, on other websites, such a stark statistic might make them just close the books on this quarter of the draw on move on, seeing as it's all but decided.  But not here!  Because there are plenty of more interesting matches and scenarios to gab on about, even if Roger will ultimately end up beating whomever emerges from said matches and scenarios.

I mean, there are a couple of potentially awesome second rounds to be had in this section: take Gael Monfils, for example (actually don't: his girlfriend Dominika Cibulkova might claw your eyes out.  That girl fierce!).  Assuming the Frenchman gets through his first round match, he will have to face either teenager Kei Nishikori or countryman Marc Gicquel, and both are tough assignments; Nishikori is a Nadal-anointed Future Top Ten Player who already has a title this year (Monfils has never played him before) and Gicquel is someone against whom Gael only has a 4-3 lifetime record (albeit none on grass).  His reward for getting through that one?  Federer, in the third round.  Ouch.

The potential second round match in this section that truly intrigues me, however (and one that I haven't seen anyone else talk about yet), is fifth-seeded Spaniard David Ferrer against just-barely-unseeded 37th-ranked Russian Igor Andreev.  Why?  Because the Russian has beaten the fifth seed FOUR OUT OF THE FIVE TIMES they've met.  Sorry for shouting there, but that's quite a record to be carrying against a fifth seed in a second round.  Now, none of those matches have been on grass, and the most recent win was last summer.  But still: Igor Andreev is 4-1 against David Ferrer.  With the Spaniard possibly wearied coming off his run in the warm-up tournament in the Netherlands, do you maybe smell an upset brewing here?  Because I certainly do.

Aside from Federer playing and beating either Nishikori or Monfils in the third round (yes, I know "La Monf" took a set from Fed in France last month, but did you know Roger is 78-12 lifetime on grass while Gael is 8-8?  I'm sorry I couldn't break that to you any gentlier than that), the other projected third round matches in Fed's quarter include: 20th-seeded Aus-hole Lleyton Hewitt vs. 15th-seeded Extra-Spicy Chilean Fernando Gonzalez; 11th-seeded Czech Tomas Berdych vs. either 22nd-seeded Spaniard Fernando Verdasco or the unseeded German Philipp Kohlschreiber (I think it will be Kohli - see my first round previews for why); and either Ferrer or Ancic against 32nd-seeded Michael Llodra or unseeded (but favored in my mind) Large Croat Lawyer Mario Ancic.  What a mess.  Let's look at this mangled mini-section of the draw a bit more microscopically, shall we?

To start with, Gonzalez has a 3-2 career edge over Hewitt.  Although none of those matches have been on grass, the Chilean did win their most recent match on hard courts in the '07 Australian Open 6-2 6-2 5-7 6-4.  Gonzo is surprisingly adept on the green stuff as well, carrying an 18-11 lifetime record on grass into this year's Championships.  Of course, the Aus-hole has been quite potent on the stuff, boasting an 84-21 grass record that makes Gonzo's look very paltry by comparison.  Still, Lleyton himself has admitted his hip is bad enough that he wouldn't even be playing matches were it not Grand Slam Season, so ultimately - with all evidence considered - I have to give the slight edge to the Chilean here.  I know - even I'm somewhat shocked.  But ultimately, none of it matters, as Fed will beat either one of them in the fourth round.

In the non-Fed eighth of the draw - the "who wants to bite and claw and scratch through a section riddled with parity so we can be defeated by Roger in the quarterfinal" eighth (at least, that's my name for it - kinda catchy, innit?) - Berdych should be able to take care of either Kohlschreiber or Verdasco; he's got a 4-0 record against the German and a 3-1 record against the Spaniard (winning the last three).

Meanwhile, there's just not much between Ancic and Llodra and Ferrer and Andreev.  And I've looked at it nine different ways - trust me on this one.  If I had to pick someone to come through here, it would be Ancic - he's been playing well in coming back from his mono layoff, he's got a stellar history at Wimbledon (he's the last person to beat Fed here, don'tcha know?), and an equally luminous record on grass (36-14). 

That would leave Berdych vs. Ancic fighting for the right to party with Roger in the quarters (and by "party with", I mean "lose to").  They've split their four previous meetings, all on hard courts.  Though the Czech has a fairly nifty 19-8 record on grass, I'd still give the edge to Ancic here, for all the reasons cited in the previous paragraph.  Look for a history-drenched quarterfinal matchup between Federer and Ancic, I say.  (and, just in case you're wondering, if the seedings hold up and Ferrer gets through, the Spaniard has a 4-2 career record over Berdych, but none have been on grass).  But Fed hasn't lost to either Berdych or Ferrer or Ancic in the last five years - on grass or anywhere else - so, that's why I have Fed coming out the winner of Fed's Quarter.  Shocker!

But who will he face in the semifinals?  Well, we'll have to look at the next quarter of the draw to find that out, now won't we?  Let's give it a whirl:

Well, unless you've been living under a tree stump, you've already heard that 3rd-seeded Serb Novak Djokovic has been drawn in Fed's half of the draw, which makes this quarter (*drum roll please*) "Djoko's Quarter."  Now, people are trumpeting and fanfaring and ooh-ahing about Novak's possible second round meeting with Marat Safin.  And don't get me wrong - it's a neato matchup.  But Nole won't lose that one, much as I'd love to see Marat do well.  For the record, however, the two have met once three years ago, with Safin CREAMING young Djoko 6-0 6-2 6-1 at the Australian Open.  And it lifts my heart just to type it.

But let's move on to other second round possibilities that truly might be close and competitive matches.  How about: 13th-seeded Stanislas Wawrinka against unseeded Argentine Juan Martin Del Potro?  Oh, poor Stan will have his hands full with this one, should it come to pass.  The two have met once on clay (Umag '06) with Stan squeaking by 6-1 2-6 6-4.  JMDP is coming back strong from injury, having reached the semis of this past week's warm-up tournament in the Netherlands.  Wawrinka hasn't played since the French Open.  And Del Potro's winning record on grass looks a lot better than the Swiss' 2-8 disaster of a grass court record.  Yes, for whatever reason, Va-va-vrinka just don't like the green stuff.  Which is too bad, 'cause I've been to Switzerland and there's a lot of it there.  Anywho... don't be surprised if Del Potro wins this match in what the world will call a "big upset" but you and me, we know better.

Another barnburner of a second round possibility is 10th-seeded Cypriot Marcos Baghdatis vs. unseeded Swede Thomas Johansson.  Both players have had some great results at Wimbledon and sport relatively gaudy grasscourt records; Johansson, a former semifinalist who pushed Roddick to a fifth-set tiebreak in '05, is 44-28 on grass, while Baghdatis is 23-10 and made the semifinals the year after Johansson's semifinal run, and - of course - gave Novak Djokovic all he could handle in last year's quarterfinals before going down 7-5 in the fifth.  Baghdatis has won both these players' previous matchups, both on hard courts, including a win at this year's Australian Open 7-6 6-2 3-6 6-3.  But Marcos has been recovering from various injuries and personal struggles of late, making the outcome of this match very much in doubt.  Either way, the winner of this possibly very pivotal second round match could do some MAJOR damage in this tournament.  Don't laugh - I'll show you why in a couple of minutes.

In the meantime, the projected third round matches in Djoko's quarter are as follows: Djokovic vs. 29th-seeded Italian Andreas Seppi; 21st-seeded Spaniard Juan-Carlos Ferrero (assuming he got past Sam Querrey in the first round) vs. either Del Potro or Wawrinka (probably Del Potro); 18th-seeded Extra-Large Croat Ivo Karlovic against either Johansson or Baghdatis; and 7th-seeded Argentine David Nalbandian vs. 31st-seeded Spaniard Feliciano Lopez.

By all indications, Djokovic should not be troubled in the least by Seppi.  The Serb has beaten the Italian in all of their three matches, all on hard courts, most recently taking him out 6-3 7-6 (3) earlier this year at Indian Wells.  Seppi has a 9-9 lifetime record on grass, while Djoko's quite a bit better at 16-6.  The Djoker will advance to the fourth round.  And who will he face there?

Well, it's complicated (much like Denise Richards).  Whoever emerges from that Querrey or Ferrero vs. Del Potro or Wawrinka scrum gets the honor of facing Novak in the Round of 16.  Querrey, if he makes it to the third round, has never played either Wawrinka or JMDP.  But Sam is 1-4 lifetime on grass (surprising, I know), and I really don't think he'll be making a fourth round appearance this year.  Ferrero, meanwhile, has a 2-0 record against Del Potro and a 3-2 record against Wa-wa-wrinka.   Considering the Spaniard's relative comfort on grass (as evidenced by his 21-13 record on the stuff), I would give him the edge to be the scrum-emerger.

If that is the case, the Djoker has a 1-1 career record against Juan Carlos, losing to him on clay in 2005 (before Nole got his Grand Slam swagger) but beating JCF in 2007 on hard courts in Madrid 6-3 2-6 6-4.  Should the seeds hold to form, and Djoko meet the 13 seed Wawrinka, Novak has a 5-2 record against the Second Swiss, with none of those meetings occurring on grass, and the most recent being his 4-6 6-3 6-3 victory on clay in Rome.  Djokovic has only met Del Potro once, beating him at last year's US Open 6-1 6-3 6-4.  And the Djoker has easily beaten Querrey both times they've played, both this year on clay and hard courts.  So I would say that the only person that could conceivably bother Djokovic would be Ferrero, but even so, I'm favoring the Serb to advance into at least the quarters of his section (it's the least I can do, after naming the section after him and all).

In the other third round matches in Djoko's Quarter, the easiest to scope out is Fat Dave Nalbandian vs. Feliciano Lopez.  Nalby, as he is also known, has won both his matches against Feliciano, but they've never met on grass.  Both are quite adept on the green stuff - Nalbandian is 22-8 lifetime and has never done worse than the third round at Wimbledon (making the finals in '02, of course), while Lopez is a respectable 18-14 and has made the quarterfinals once (in '05) and the fourth round twice.  So as you can see (unless you're blind, in which case how are you reading this?), Fat Dave has the better record and the better head to head.  So I'd say it's a safe bet he advances to the fourth round, where he will meet the winner of Karlovic vs. whoever-won-that-all-important-Johansson-Baghdatis match.

Now, I alluded to this earlier, but both Thomas Johansson and Marcos Baghdatis have surprisingly strong records against everyone who is projected to remain in this section of the draw.  For instance, the mighty Karlovic (who, despite a 46-24 record on grass, has been surprisingly stinky at Wimbledon, making the quarterfinals once in '04 before bowing out in the fifth set of three straight first round matches the past three years) has lost to Baghdatis the only time they've met, which was on hard courts this year in Marseille, with Baggy winning 6-4 6-4.  Dr Ivo has a better record against Johansson (3-1, 1-0 on grass), but their past two meetings (both on hard courts) have gone the distance.  Neither match is a cakewalk for Karlo, especially since both potential opponents, as you'll recall, traditionally do so much better at SW19 (code name: Wimbledon).

Projecting it out even further, David Nalbandian most likely will await the winner of the above paragraph.  And here's where it gets REALLY interesting.  Because while Nalby has a 2-0 record against Karlovic (both in '05 on carpet and clay), he's lost to Johansson at Wimbledon (7-5 6-2 6-2 in '05) and has a 1-3 record against Baghdatis, losing to him in last year's Wimbledon 6-2 7-5 6-0.  Yowch.  So, as you can hopefully see by now, the winner of that deceptively seemingly minor Baghdatis/Johansson match is a ripple that makes larger and larger waves with each passing round.

Even Djokovic - despite his 2-0 record against Baghdatis - has had trouble with the Cypriot, barely edging him out in last year's Wimbledon quarterfinal 7-6 7-6 6-7 4-6 7-5.  Djoko's had a much easier time with two of the others; he has a 2-1 record against Nalbandian (destroying him 6-1 6-0 two weeks ago at Queens Club) and a 1-0 record against Karlovic (beating him this year on clay in Hamburg 7-6 6-3).  However, he's never met Johansson.

So what should you make out of all of this?  Hell if I know.  But here's what I make out of it: if Baghdatis is healthy, he can make a big run through this part of the draw, certainly making it to the quarters where he can give Djoko fits again.  If not, then I favor Nalbandian to come through to that quarter (although I'm always hesitant to do so, with Nalby being such a head case and all), and maybe just maybe Thomas Johansson will be the darkhorse to djoin Djokovic for a dance in the quarters.

Regardless, I expect Djokovic to be the victor in Djoko's Quarter ('cause that's what ultimately makes it his), but I think that those who say he has a cakewalk of a draw haven't looked at it closely enough.  I think there are plenty of players who can give him headaches and have done so in the past.

So anyway, Djoko meets some guy named Federer in the semifinals, in a match the press will probably completely ignore due to its complete boringness.  I'm kidding, of course.  This damn thing will be the most hyped match in ages, and I truly hope it happens.  If it does, I really expect Roger to come after Djoko with a fierceness we have not seen from Fed in ages.  It might be a blowout, or Djoko can rise to the occasion like he did against Nadal in Hamburg.  Either way, I just don't see Federer losing this match.  So Roger advances to the finals.  But who will he meet?

You still there?  Good.  To the bottom half of the draw we go!

You know, I've read a lot of people typing about how 6th-seeded Andy Roddick lucked out by being in 4th-seeded Nikolay Davydenko's section of the draw (and there are many people who think their seedings should have been swapped as well).  And while I don't disagree with either sentiment, I will say it's surprising how little I've seen written about the potential difficulties of DickRod's early rounds.  Eduardo Schwank is no gimme in the first match, and then a possible second round rumble with Janko Tipsarevic and a third round date with either The Shermanator or The Turmanator (that would be Nicolas Mahut and Dmitry Tursunov, to you).  Doesn't exactly sound like a walk in the park to me.

For the record, Roddick has met Tipsy just once - at Wimbledon two years ago, where he pulled out a tough match 6-7 (5) 6-4 7-6 (6) 6-2.  He also has winning records against Mahut (2-0) and Tursunov (3-1), but both matches he's played against them on grass have been quite close; in last year's Queens Club event, he barely beat Mahut - who's at his Shermanating best on grass - 4-6 7-6 (7) 7-6 (3) before beating Tursy in a relatively close contest 6-4 7-5.  I'm not saying Andy's going to lose any of these first three rounds, but I am saying that his draw isn't quite as "lucky" as some would have you think.  And with reports of his previously-injured shoulder not coming back 100% positive two days before the event, he could be vulnerable.  All that said, I'm still calling this section of the draw "DickRod's Quarter" and not "Davy's Quarter" for a reason.  See if you can guess what that reason is (hint: check with my semifinal picks in the top half of the draw) (spoiler alert!).

There are two other possible second round matches that catch my forceps.  If Swedish veteran (and '06 semifinalist) Jonas Bjorkman gets past Arnaud Clement and Davydenko gets past Benjamin Becker like he should, then I think Bjorkman has a puncher's chance of upsetting Davy in the second round.  The 'denk does have a 2-1 record against the Bjork Man, but that one loss did happen at Wimbledon (granted, it was when he retired up a set and a break) in '05.  The Swede has a MUCH better record on the grass (81-43) than the Russian does (5-13), and Bjorkman has had far greater success at The Championships than Davydenko has.  I'm picking Bjorkman in an upset here. 

The other possible second round of interest is 24th-seeded Friendly Fin Jarkko Nieminen versus 55th ranked Large Croat Marin Cilic.  As a Nieminen fan this is tough to type, but I'm gonna have to go with the rising-star Cilic over the struggling veteran in this one (Nieminen's only won 4 of his last 17 matches on the men's tour).  The two have never met, and Cilic's lifetime record on grass (5-5) isn't better than Jarkko's (14-12, and last year's quarterfinalist).  Still, the Croat's been coming up, and the Finn's been going down (all too often) and I don't expect the trend to reverse itself here.

So, in the non-Roddickian third round projected matchups in DickRod's Quarter, we have: 9th-seeded Penis Head James Blake against either 19th-seeded Spaniard Nicolas Almagro or unseeded Spaniard Marcel Granollers-Pujol; 14th-seeded Frenchman Paul-Henri Mathieu against either Cilic or Nieminen (I can hope, can't I?); and 26th-seeded Large Croat Ivan Ljubicic vs. either Bjorkman or Davydenko.

The American Flake James Blake should have no trouble with whomever he faces in his third round - neither Almagro (0-4) nor Granollers (0-1) have ever won a match on grass.  That said, it is interesting to note that Granollers has beaten Blake in their only previous meeting, the finals of the US Clay Court tournament in Houston earlier this year.  I'd say that makes Blake even more of a favorite should they meet here, though, as the American will be out for revenge on a more favorable surface.  Expect the American to finally make it to the fourth round at Wimbledon, and I say "finally" because: a) he's never done it before and b) it will be his final match, as he'll lose to Roddick in that all-American Round of 16 clash.  More on that later.

As for Mathieu/Cilic (or, less likely, Mathieu/Nieminen), Paul-Henri has a 3-0 record against the Large Croat, and a 1-0 record on grass as he just beat Cilic 6-3 3-6 6-4 at Queens Club.  Surprisingly, Nieminen has a 2-0 lifetime edge over PHM - too bad he won't make it to this round.  Look for the 14th-seeded Mathieu to pull through to the fourth round, where he will face the winner of...

The Ljubicic/Bjorkman or Ljubicic/Davydenko match.  If Davy makes it through, he'll have his losing lifetime record against Ljubicic (3-4) to reckon with.  As you may recall, Ljuby just beat Davy in a Battle of the Baldies on clay at the French Open 4-6 2-6 6-3 6-2 6-4.  Even with a losing record on grass (18-19), Ljubicic is way better on the green stuff than the Russian is (again, Davydenko has a shockingly bad 5-13 record on grass).  Ljubicic also has a losing record against Bjorkman (0-1), but that was in 2001 on grass in Nottingham 7-5 7-5.  Thus, I'm looking for Ljuby to slide through to a fourth round meeting with Mathieu.

Now, Mathieu/Ljubicic is a tough one to call.  Mathieu has a 2-1 career advantage over the Large Croat, including a win at last year's Wimbledon 4-6 7-5 6-2 6-3.  I'd give the slight edge to PHM here, but it'd be close.  And, just for the record, Mathieu is 2-3 lifetime (no matches on grass) against Davydenko should Nikolay suddenly overcome his aversion to grass and find himself in this round, blinking confusedly like, "Where am I?  How did I get here?"  Paul-Henri also has a 2-1 edge against Bjorkman should that come to pass, besting him in their only grass meeting 2-6 6-3 6-4 at Nottingham in '07.

Meanwhile, in that All-American Fourth Round, Roddick has a 6-2 record against Blake, although James has won the last two.  They haven't played since 2006, and they've never played on grass.  Still, Roddick has been way more at home in his career on grass and at Wimbledon, so I fully expect Andy to advance should these two meet.

All of which leads to a Roddick quarterfinal against Mathieu (if I'm correct), Ljubicic (if I'm slightly less correct), Bjorkman (if I'm moderately less correct) or Davydenko (if I'm totally incorrect).  DickRod has a 3-1 lifetime edge over Mathieu, including a win last year at Wimbledon in their only grass-court meeting, 6-2 7-5 7-6 (5).  So, no trouble there for the American.  Andy is 7-3 in his matches against Ljubicic (none on grass) so that shouldn't be a problem either.  Roddick has a similarly excellent 5-2 record against Bjorkman, including another Wimbledon win (in '03).  And DickRod has his best record of all (5-1) against Davydenko, and that's not about to change here should the Russian shock the world and make the quarters.

Thus, Roddick emerges victorious from the third quarter of the draw, the one I call "DickRod's Quarter."  Shocking, I know.  "But who will he play in the semis?" you ask breathlessly.  Patience, my turtle dove.  All will be known in time and/or revealed below.

The fourth quarter of the draw is where a spunky little guy named Rafael Nadal resides.  That's why I like to call it "Rafa's Quarter."  If you're a keen follower of trends, this might just tip you off as to who I think will be meeting Mr. DickRod in the semis.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves.  Because Holy Mother of Mirka, there are a ton of possible second round spectacles to be found in this section: eighth-seeded Richard Gasquet or Mardy Fish against Potito Starace or Sesbatien Grosjean; 23rd-seeded Spaniard Tommy Robredo against either Tommy Haas or Guillermo Canas; 12th-seeded Scot Snot Andy Murray against either Xavier Malisse or Denis Gremelmayr; sixteenth-seeded Radek Stepanek vs. Viktor Troicki or Nicolas Lapentti; and, last but not least, the match that all Rafa fans are dreading: the 2nd-seeded Nadal vs. either 6'9'' John Isner or the Multiple Ernests Gulbis.

As you can see from all the "or"s above, Rafa's Quarter is fraught with uncertainty, especially in the top portion.  Looking at it makes my head spin, in fact, and so as not to get vertigo, I'm not even gonna try and sort that mess out.  It would fracture my forceps.  Maybe after the first rounds are complete, I'll come back and dissect the remains, but - for both of our sakes - I'm just gonna move on for now.  Otherwise, we'd be here for much longer than we already have.  And let's be honest with ourselves: neither of us wants that. Besides, Rafa - as the namesake of his quarter - will beat any of the players who unstick themselves from the above tangle, whether it be against Gasquet or Murray or Robredo or Fish or blah blah blah blah.  I'll show that to you later.

Anyway, if you're reading between the lines, this means that yes - I have confidence that Nadal will pull through in his match against either Isner (pronounced IZ-ner and not EYES-ner, for all of you who are searching for that pronunciation on my blog) or Gulbis.  Rafa has never met either of them on a tennis court, so we're just gonna have to go with the fact that Nadal beat people like Karlovic, Roddick and Djokovic at Queens last week, and though Gulbis is a soon-to-be sensation (if he isn't already), the Multiple Ernests lost to Murray there (at Queens); so it's safe to say he's playing at a level just below Nadal at this moment (and, in fact, it's safe to say that about almost anyone in the world at this moment).

In the third round, Nadal could face either 27th-seeded Nicolas Kiefer or 44th-ranked unseeded Frenchman Julien Benneteau.  Rafa is 2-0 against the German Kiefer, both matches coming this year on hard courts.  The Spaniard does have a loss against Benneteau, but that was four years ago on carpet (although the score is still shocking: a Rafa-at-the-Frenchlike 6-3 6-0 shellacking).  Whatever.  Rafa will go through to the fourth round, where he is scheduled to meet either Stepanek or the 17th-seeded Russian Mikhail Youzhny.

Nadal is 4-0 against the CzechWorm Stepanek, although none of those wins were on grass or more recent than 2005.  No matter - Stepanek's coming into the tournament with an injury and might not even play.  But even a healthy Worm couldn't match Nadal's grass court prowess.  As for Youzhny-and-abuse-me?  Yeah, Rafa's had some trouble against the self-inflictive Russian, losing four of their ten matches.  But the Spaniard won their only match on grass at last year's Wimbledon 4-6 3-6 6-1 6-2 6-2.  The two have split their two matches on hard courts since then, and it should be noted that Mikhail took their most recent meeting 6-0 6-1 at Chennai.  Ouch.  So it may go five sets again, but Rafa seems like destiny's child, and I expect him to move through to the quarterfinals, where he will meet...

Murray?  Gasquet?  Robredo?  Fish?  Canas?  Haas?  I dunno and I don't care.  Rafa's got a 20-0 combined record against all of them (breakdown: 3-0 vs. Murray, 4-0 vs. Gasquet, 4-0 vs. Robredo, 4-0 vs. Fish, 3-0 vs. Canas, and 2-0 vs. Haas), and will be making it through to the semifinals for his showdown with DickRod.

Nadal has a 3-2 lifetime edge over Roddick, with his most recent win on grass likely sticking in DickRod's mind, a 7-5 6-4 Queens Club win in which Andy seemed incredibly frustrated.  Assuming he's healthy enough to get there (and I am), Roddick will only find more frustration in a three-of-five set affair.  I think Nadal is a lock to make the finals against Federer.  (And don't even ask me about Davydenko here.  Just don't).  (OK, Rafa's 3-1 against him, but they've never met on grass.  Happy now?)

So.  How about that final?  I hear Federer and Nadal have met a few times before, is that so?  I hear there was some kind of match played over in France that people are taking very seriously, is that right?  Hmmm.  I say the five-time defending champion makes it six in a row - Federer beats Nadal in four sets.  Fed is hungrier than ever this year, and the mono is in his rear view mirror.

Now, let's let these words hang forever in infamy, as I shall never edit them again no matter how ridiculous they make me look after so-and-so gets upset or whatshisname wins.  We forecasters must be brave, and I know my ritual sacrifice technique is foolproof anyway.  So go to Ladbrokes and Betfair and gamble the grocery money, kids - these picks are ordained by long-dead gods who care about tennis results.  Now will you help me put away the formaldehyde?  This stuff really stinks!

Andy Roddick, meanwhile, got some help from the Draw Gods and made up for his (some say bogus) 6th seed by drawing 4th seed (which some say DickRod should be) Nikolay Davydenko in his quarter.  This could lead to semifinal matchups of Federer vs. Djokovic and Nadal vs. Roddick, which most people feel would be quite dandy.

As for the ladies, consensus is that top-seed Ana Ivanovic got the easiest draw of all, with only Chakvetadze in her quarter being any real threat, although I think Dominika Cibulkova, Agnes Szavay and Patty Schnyder could provide problems along the way.  If Ana gets to the semis, she'll most likely face either 4th-seeded Svetlana Kuznetsova or 6th-seeded Serena Williams (assuming the seed projections hold up). 

On the bottom half, we certainly find a lot more threats than in Ana's top half.  Poor 2nd-seeded Jelena Jankovic could face 7th seed Venus Williams in the quarterfinals, and either third-seeded Maria Sharapova, 5th-seeded Elena Dementieva, or 9th-seeded Dinara Safina (who's been ON FIRE lately) if she even makes it to the semis.  And, if you're the intuitive type, you may already have discerned that Dementieva and Safina are potential obstacles for Sharapova in her quarter.

But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves - draw projections are all fine and good (and I'll be doing them in my usual excruciating detail in later posts), for now I'd like to focus on the matches we already know to exist (aka the first round matches).  'Cause my god there are a lot good ones!

(Parenthetical program note: the sequence of my draw analyses for Wimbledon will go as follows: Part One (i.e. what you are reading right now) will focus on all the exquisite men's first rounds the Draw Gods have blessed us with.  In Part Two, we'll get all reckless and start projecting and predicting from the second round through the finals on the men's side.  Part Three will focus on intoxicating first and second rounds for the ladies, while Part Four will project and predict the draws on the women's side.  So let's get out of these parentheses and get to it!)

Hereafter follows some very intriguing mens' first rounds, and why I find them such:

First Round, Top Half of Men's Draw:

Match: Top-seeded Swiss Roger Federer vs. 272nd-ranked Slovakian Dominik Hrbaty  Why It's Intriguing:  Hrbaty has a 2-0 lifetime record against Federer.  That's right - Roger has faced this man twice and lost both times.  Of course, both of those matches happened a lifetime ago (2000 and 2004) and neither were on grass (carpet and hard court, respectively).  Plus, Hrbaty's been playing pretty awfully of late.  Still, quite an interesting footnote to what is likely to be a Fed win (Hrbaty's never made it past the third round of Wimbledon, while Roger is going for his sixth title in a row - don't know if you've heard).

Match: 60th-ranked Frenchman Marc Gicquel vs. 105-ranked Kei Nishikori  Why It's Intriguing:  Don't let their rankings fool you.  As of this writing, Gicquel is tearing through the tune-up tournament in the Netherlands, having beaten Richard Gasquet and Guillermo Canas on his way to the final.  And Nishikori has already won a title this year at Delray Beach and was proclaimed by Rafael Nadal to be "definitely a Top Ten player" in the future, after the 18-year-old took a set from Rafa at Queens Club.  This will be the first meeting between the two, and Nishikori's first appearance in a Grand Slam main draw.

Match: 79th-ranked up-and-supposedly-coming Australian Chris Guccione vs. 30th-seeded Frenchman Gael Monfils  Why It's Intriguing: The Gooch has been touted for years now as the next Aussie to take up where Lleyton Hewitt eventually leaves off, but has yet to fulfill his alleged potential.  Monfils, meanwhile, was the junior champion-of-everything who seems to have finally arrived, making the semis of both the French Open (taking a set off of Federer) and this week's Nottingham tune-up tournament (where, incidentally, he beat Guccione in the first round 7-6 6-4 in the first round.  Rematch alert!).  With the Aussie's serve and volley aggression and Monfils' twelve-feet-behind-the-baseline defense, this should also be a good aesthetic mix of playing styles.

Match: 14th-seeded Extra-Spicy Chilean Fernando Gonzalez vs. 58th-ranked American Robby Ginepri  Why It's Intriguing: Rematch alert!  These two played in the first round last year, with Gonzo pulling out the match 3-6 7-6 6-2 6-2.  And Gonzo also beat him in the Round of 16 at this year's French Open 7-6 6-3 6-1.  Although Fernando has a 4-0 career edge against Robby Balboa (2-0 on grass), the American Philanthropist (according to Justin Gimelslob) has been having a great year of late.  Perhaps this is his chance to exact some revenge against the Extra-Spicy Chilean?

Match: 22nd-seeded Recently-Naked Spaniard Fernando Verdasco vs. 36th-ranked Delightfully-Girly German Philipp Kohlschreiber Why It's Intriguing: One of the most dangerous floaters in the draw, Kohli just missed out on being seeded himself and has actually beaten Verdasco both times they've played (in 2006 on clay and hard courts).  Philippppppp is also riding high from a finals appearance in Halle (Holla!), his previous tournament on grass (two weeks ago), while Verdasco might be a bit fatigued from his own finals run in Nottingham (just two days before Wimbledon begins).  Look for the German to take this match in what will be called an upset, but wouldn't really be too much of one.

Match: 32nd-seeded Frenchman Michael Llodra vs. 43rd-ranked Large Croat Lawyer Mario Ancic  Why It's Intriguing: Well, to start with, Super Mario has beaten Lllllodra both times they've played (albeit in 2002 and 2005, on carpet and grass respectively).  The man some call "Baby Fed", Ancic was also ranked #7 in the world two years ago at this time, and has been coming back nicely from an 8-month struggle with mono.  Mario is also a former Wimbledon quarterfinalist and semifinalist.  This is a very similar dynamic to the previously-described Kohlschreiber/Verdasco matchup, and - as in that one - I expect the lower-ranked man to take the match.

Match: 21st-seeded Spaniard Juan Carlos Ferrero vs. 42nd-ranked Somewhat Large American Sam Querrey   Why It's Intriguing: This might be a close one, even though Ferrero made the quarterfinals at the 'don last year, beating hard-serving James Blake and Janko Tipsarevic before losing to Roger Federer (but taking a set off the eventual champ) and Querrey has never made the second round (to be fair, this is only his second chance).  The two have never met, and Querrey is another who is considered a "dangerous floater" in the draw (and if this draw were a pool, it would have been quarantined already, there's so many dangerous floaters in it).  Ferrero, meanwhile, hasn't played since the French Open in May.  Still, I give the slight edge to the Spaniard in this one.

Match: 10th-seeded Cheerful Cypriot Marcos Baghdatis vs. 52nd-ranked Belgian Butters Steve Darcis  Why It's Intriguing: The usually-cheery Baghdatis (who should be happy given his fifteen-spot boost from the seeding formula - his world ranking is actually 25) hasn't played much this year due to injuries and personal problems.  A quarterfinalist and a semifinalist the past two years at Wimbledon, Marcos just had a fairly good showing in Halle (Holla!) where he reached the quarterfinals before losing to Federer.  The Belgian Darcis (who, when his hair is poofy on top, resembles Butters from South Park) has seen his ranking trajectory move steadily and swiftly upwards the past two years (from 485 at the beginning of last year) and prefers a faster court.  If Baghdatis is healthy, he should pull through, but it could get a little interesting.

Match: 68th-ranked Swede Thomas Johansson vs. 111th-ranked (C)Rapping American Vince Spadea  Why It's Intriguing: Rematch alert!  Actually: Anniversary alert!  These two played each other TEN YEARS AGO at Wimbledon, with Johansson prevailing 7-5 6-1 6-3.  Overall, the Swede has a 3-2 edge in their lifetime playing relationship, but Spadea won their most recent match on carpet in '07, 7-6 6-2.  This is Spadea's 13 straight Wimbledon (although, as I like to say, a couple of them have actually been bi-curious), and he was one of the last players to receive direct entry into the tournament.  He's made it to the 4th round once (in '04), but usually loses in the first or second round.  Johansson's had consistently better Wimbledonian results, making the semis in '05, although he has lost in the first round the past two years.   

Match: 67th-ranked Brazilian Bomber Thomaz Bellucci vs. 78th-ranked Russian Igor Kunitsyn  Why It's Intriguing: Earlier this year, Kunitsyn was the one who put an end to Bellucci's 17-match winning streak on the the Challenger circuit, blowing out the Brazilian 6-4 6-2 on clay in their only previous meeting.  But the grass should favor the big-serving Bellucci, who - as you may recall - gave Nadal his toughest set in this year's French Open.  Grudge match! 

Match: 7th-seeded Argentine David Nalbandian vs. 98th-ranked Canadian Frank "So Ya Think You Can" Dancevic (Berman alert!) Why It's Intriguing: Wait for it...  Rematch alert!  These two met here last year in the second round, with Nalby prevailing 6-2 6-3 5-7 6-3.  Also, Dancevic is cute cute cute!  *swoons*

First Round, Bottom Half of Men's Draw

Match: 6th-seeded American Andy "DickRod" Roddick vs. 61st-ranked Argentine Eduardo Sch-WANK!  Why It's Intriguing: Senor Schwank, like Tomaz Bellucci, also had a 17-match winning streak this year, ending at the French Open when he lost to Paul-Henri Mathieu after beating both Carlos Moya and Marcel Granollers.  Though those 17 wins all came on clay, his game translated nicely to grass earlier this week as he gave Nottingham 7th-seed Andreas Seppi a tough test in the second round before falling 1-6 6-4 6-7 (7).  I'm expecting Roddick - a two-time Wimbledon finalist - to pull through for sure, but I also think there could be some bumps in the road here.

Match: 25th-seeded Russian Adonis Dmitry Tursunov vs. 57th-ranked French Shermanator Nicolas Mahut  Why It's Intriguing: The Shermanator is a great grass court player - in fact, grass is the only surface on which he has a winning record in his career.  He's reached the second and third round in his two Wimbledonian appearances.  Tursunov, meanwhile, has been a chronic underachiever who - while always making at least the third round in his four previous go rounds at The Championships - has had spottier recent results than Mahut has.  This one's a toss up, in my book.

Match: 24th-seeded "Friendly Finn" Jarko Nieminen vs. 89th-ranked "American Nadal" Wayne Odesnik  Why It's Intriguing: Though Nieminen was once a Wimbledon quarterfinalist two years ago, Jarkko has a 4-13 record in his last 17 ATP matches.  And while Odesnik has a clay-courter style and no real grass record to speak of, the self-styled "American Nadal" has been having much more success of late.  Before his crisis of confidence, I would have said the "Friendly Finn" (as he's known on tour) would take this match easily.  But now I'm not so sure.  All I know is: he needs it, and I'm rooting for him.

Match: 26th-seeded Large Croat Ivan Ljubicic vs. 82nd-ranked Austrian Jurgen Melzer  Why It's Intriguing: Rematch alert!  These two have met only once, and it was at the 2005 Wimbledon, where a then-ranked 37th Melzer beat a then-ranked 14th Ljubicic 6-4 6-4 6-4.  Could another bigger upset be in the works three years later?  Don't count on it.

Match: 88th-ranked Donald Young vs. 138th-ranked Jesse Levine  Why It's Intriguing: Of the two promising young juniors, much has been expected of Young through the years (who won the junior boys' title here), while Levine is often better known as "Roger Federer's practice partner."  These two have met three times, all in 2007 on hard court, with Young holding a 2-1 edge.  Levine won the most recent of their encounters, however, 7-6 (4) 7-6 (4) in Champaign, Illinois.

Match: 101st-ranked Swedish veteran Jonas Bjorkman vs. 117th-ranked French veteran Arnaud Clement  Why It's Intriguing: Sweatin' With the Oldies!  The 30-year-old Clement holds a 3-1 lifetime lead over the 36-year-old Bjorkman, including their last three matchups (the most recent on grass, a 6-2 6-4 whooping in Nottingham last year).  That said, Jonas has a far superior Wimbledon record, making it to the fourth round last year and the semifinals the year before that (he also made the quarters in '03).  Arnaud, meanwhile, has lost in the first or second round the past five years.  It'll be interesting to see who prevails. 

Match: 8th-seeded French Flack Richard Gasquet vs. 39th-ranked American A-hole Mardy Fish  Why It's Intriguing: Fish is another one of them damned floaters.  Now, usually when a Fish is floating, it means it's dead, but in this case the American is alive and dangerous.  Gasquet's troubles this year have been well-chronicled, and Fish has easily had a better year and better recent results on grass.  Still and all, Gasquet is last year's Wimbledon semifinalist and Fish has never made it past the 3rd round.  I'm expecting Fish to give Gasquet fits in this one (not that Reeeeshard needs any help with that).

Match: 12-seeded Snottish Scottish Andy Murray vs. 53rd-ranked French Magician Fabrice Santoro  Why It's Intriguing: Well, no one's really expecting Santoro to give Murray much of a match here - Snotty Scotty beat Fabrice 6-4 6-2 last year on hard courts, which was their only meeting.  Nay, this match is notable merely because Santoro - sensing this will probably be his last year - has never played on Centre Court in his long and hallowed career at Wimbledon and requested to the tournament organizers that he be scheduled there.  Now, by drawing Murray in the first round, the Magician will certainly get his wish.

Match: 27th-seeded German Nicolas Kiefer vs. 44th-ranked Frenchman Julien Benneteau  Why It's Intriguing: Rematch alert!  Their only meeting was in the first round of the 2005 Wimbledon, where Kiefer won in a five-set thriller 6-3 7-6 (5) 5-7 3-6 6-4.  Both players have posted very good results lately, and the winner will likely sail through to a possible third-round meeting with Rafael Nadal (if poor Rafa makes it through his second round, that is, where he'll meet the winner of...)

Match: 48th-ranked Latvian The Multiple Ernests Gulbis vs. 84th-ranked American "Grandpa" John Isner  Why It's Intriguing: Saving the best for last, here.  Before the draw was made, everyone was wondering where these two potential upset-machines would end up, and who would they terrorize?  Turns out they have to face and terrorize each other!  The 6'9'' Isner and the Multiple Ernests have never played one another before, and this should be THE marquee matchup amongst the unseeded.  Expect the winner to give all kinds of headaches to Rafa Nadal in the next round.

And thus concludeth the positively Shakespearian (in length, perhaps) Part One of my Wimbledon draw analysis series.  What - you wanted more?  Don't worry - there are three more parts coming up soon!  God help you all.

5:05 am - Experiencing technical difficulties - the draw was supposed to be on Radio Wimbledon, except the wimbledon.org website says it's not on the air.

5:08 am - It's on!

5:09 am - first match I hear the guy's name call is a good one: Guccione vs. Monfils.  Obviously picking things up in the middle here, so I don't know how much of the draw has already been drawn.  Lots of jingling noises between picks.  Hewitt vs. Haase.  jingling.  Montanes vs. Berlocq.  45 Bogdanovic vs Bollelli, 65 GINapri vs. Gonzo, Berdych vs. Korolev, etc.

5:10 am - ooh - Kohlschriber vs. Verdasco and Llodra vs. Ancic.  Both Should be good.  Djokovic's name announced (playing Berrer), but I don't know if this is the top half or the bottom.  Safin vs. Fognini (good draw for Marat).  Wow - Ferrero vs. Querrey, that's tough for JCF.  Heh, the drawer is getting all the Americans last names wrong.  Vince Spadea is spuh-DAY-uh.  Robby Ginepri was JIN-uh-pree. 

5:15 OMG Djoko in top half!  "And that completes the top half..." draw announcer guy says.

5:16 Roddick vs. Schwank (tough), Tipsy vs. Ascione, Pashanski vs. C. Eaton, Mahut vs. Tursunov (good one), Almagro vs. Granollers (another good one), Odesnik vs. Nieminen (poor Jarkko), Ljubicic vs. Melzer (ooh), J Levine vs. D Young (man), Bjorkman vs. Clement (ooh), Becker vs. Davy, Gasquet vs. Fish (geez), a bunch of really good ones in a row here, the names coming fast and furious

5:20 Canas vs. Haas, X Malisse vs. Gremel (good one), Santoro vs. Murray (Fabrice will get his centre court wish!), Troicki vs. Lapentti (could be good), Kiefer vs. Benneteau, EYES-ner vs. Gulbis (gasp!), Andreas Beck vs. Nadal.  "And that completes..."

5:22 am - Draw analysis begins from the commentators. Eleanor somebody tells highlights: Nadal has difficult draw with Gulbis/Isner in second round.  "Isner is 6'9'' and serves out of a tree", Ancic vs. Llodra "fun to watch" - Fed vs. Hrbaty.  Monfils has tough early rounds - Gooch - "pretty hellish first round draw frankly" - Nishikori "not pleasant" - spectre of Federer looms.  "I hope that Gael Monfils is looking at this draw through his fingers."  Heh - I like this Eleanor lady.

More Isner talk - Fed coined "serves out of tree" at USO, guy says.  Querrey cited as "dangerous floater".  "still a lot to be said for having an enormous serve on a grass court, particularly in the first round"

5:28 - "difficult to look past the big three"

5:30 - still waiting for Ladies Draw, talking about Djoko.  Drawing the seeds and sections in womens' draw - announcer guy says "I appreciate it's difficult to follow on the radio".  Damn straight, skippy!

5:31 - talking about the rest of the Top Ten.  On Davydenko: "I wouldn't expect him to make an impact here... he doesn't like grass courts."  Murray no points to defend "take the pressure off of him a little bit" can get to 6 7 in world, still no mention of Santoro's Centre Court request, but talk of Fabrice being Murray's favorite player, no mention of Djoko being in Fed's half.

5:35 - rejoin Andrew Jarrod(?) the draw announcer guy for the womens' draw.  Lots of jingling.  Heh - I hardly know how to spell so many of these names.  But DAG (draw announcer guy) is having some more trouble with pronunciation: Tatiana GAL-bin vs Agnes sa-VAY.  ohh - Schnyder vs. Dellacqua is good.  I'm missing a lot 'cause now I'm getting some buffering (dial-up, don't judge).  stosur vs. elaru, andruskova vs. VAYdisova, Razzano vs. buffering, vives vs. vesnina, etc.

5:39 - benesova vs. radwanska sounds like a good one.  Amelie Mauresmo vs. Ashley Sparklepuss = nifty.  Oooh - Kaia Kanepi vs. Serena in the first round.  "And this completes the top half..." blah blah.

5:41 something weird happens when a name is announced and then switched - "ditty vs. arvidsson (beg pardon, tomea)" - whazzup wit dat?!?!  Shahar Peer vs. Katie O'Brien (I'm surprised DAG didn't say "o-BREEN").  Azarenka vs. Pironkova could be good.  Govortsova vs. Petrova.  Bammer vs. Arviddson (you sure?).  Venus vs. Cavaday.  ai sugiyama vs. yanina wickmayer is very interesting.  erani vs. hantuchova (she's playing?). m krajicek vs. erakovic (slight eyebrow raise).  "Thank you very much - that completes the draw for the ladies single." 

5:50 commentating people come back on.  Eleanor thinks the womens' draw is more interesting than the mens'.  Venus caught her eye - "most underestimated in women's draw - this is her backyard, and that's bad news for naomi cavaday."  Cavaday had match points against hingis in first round last year.  Schnyder vs. Dellacqua: "don't think either will be happy with that draw," a battle of lefties.

Cornet vs. Pavlyocenkova, who only lost 8 games in three rounds of qualifying, both are junior grand slam champs. Commentator guy gets it wrong saying cornet was in "back to back semifinals"; wozniacki potential fourth rounder against Jankovic; guy laughs about "honest mistake" and corrects what he said about cornet before gets emails (heh).

Eleanor: there are seven to nine players with a chance of "lifting the famous dish": Jankovic, ivanovic, williams, sharapova, kuznetsova.  Commentator guy: "really?" about Kuzzy.  Eleanor says she's gotten to the quarterfinals (eh, lame defense).  They say it's rare to go into women's tournament and you can't pick a favorite.  I concur.  Also, they say the Williams' aura of invincibility, while waning, comes back at Wimby, but they're vulnerable in first rounds 'cause don't play warm-up events.

5:59 - men's game vs. women's game talk, getting ready for doubles draw.  Here's where I check out and start examining the singles draws in ridiculous detail.  See you in another post, brutha!  (apologies if that sounds sexistly presumptuous - I was just trying to sound like Desmond from "Lost")

Editor's note: the above is written mostly as it happened, but the author (who happens to be pretty close with the editor, rumor has it) went back and cleaned it up a bit to make it more readable.  Lots of uninteresting notes and cyberscribbles were removed.

This Morning's Prediction for Why Sam Querrey vs. Ivo Karlovic Will Be Intriguing: Um, do you like tiebreaks?  Match result: Karlovic def. Querrey 7-6 (3) 7-6 (14)  Comments: Sheesh.  These guys love tiebreaks so much they played another tiebreak within the second set tiebreak!  The Extra Large Croat saved four Querrey set points in the second set breaker before converting on his fifth match point.  Karlo had 27 aces to 2 double faults, while the Somewhat Also Large American had "only" 9 aces and 2 double faults.  Oh, and I failed to mention this morning that Querrey had a two match winning streak against Dr. Ivo coming into this meeting.  I hope you can forgive me.

This Morning's Prediction for Why Samuel Groth vs. Gilles Simon Will Be Intriguing: Expect Simon to not know what hit him.  Match result: Simon def. Groth 6-7 (1) 6-4 6-4  Comments: A saddening end to the Mysterious Melbournian Mammal's run, but the 308th-ranked Aussie qualifier definitely turned some heads in this match with both his serve and his Serb-defeating prowess (he knocked out Janko Tipsarevic in the qualies, like I've already told you a million times).  Today, perhaps someone realized how dangerous it was to have an Australian Groth on the loose and shot a tranquilizer dart into his neck, because the he threw in an inordinate number of double faults (9) to go with his usual arsenal of aces (18), which he hadn't done in previous matches.  Plus he only won 40% of second serve points.  Still, a great showing from the 20-year-old.

This Morning's Prediction for Why Gael Monfils vs. Julien Benneteau Will Be Intriguing: Benneteau’s had some good results of late.  Match result: Monfils def. Benneteau 3-6 6-4 6-2  Comments: Told you so.

This Morning's Prediction for Why Andreas Seppi vs. Eduardo Schwank Will Be Intriguing: It’ll be interesting to see how Mr. Schwank’s game and recent hot streak (he’s won 18 of his last 19 matches) translates onto grass against a solid opponent.  Match result: Seppi def. Schwank 6-1 4-6 7-6 (7)  Comments: I'd say Senor Schwank translated muy bien, even attaining a match point against the 7th-seeded Italian before falling in the final set tiebreak.  I'll continue to keep a close eye on the Argentine up-and-comer throughout Wimbledon, as he appears to be more than a one-surface Juannabe.

This Morning's Prediction for Why Radek Stepanek vs. Vince Spadea Will Be Intriguing: See how many games Vince can win!  I bet it’s fewer than the dope rhymes he can come up with for “Czech”, “Radek” and “Stepanek”.  Match result: Stepanek withdrew with a rib injury.  Comments: Since the (c)rapping Spadea won zero games due to the Czech's withdrawal, I'm betting he can come up with at least one dope rhyme, having sampled his freestyling skillz before.  Hell, even I can come up with one: Erma Bombeck.  Boyeeee.  *gang sign*

This Morning's Prediction for Why Ivan Ljubicic vs. Viktor Troicki Will Be Intriguing: Troicki’s been playing well of late, backdrafting behind all the recent Serbian success, and is much more dangerous than his ranking indicates.  Match result: Troicki def. Ljubicic 5-7 6-4 7-6 (5)  Comments: And there goes the defending champion.  Troicki came back from 0-3 down in the third set to pull out the victory, despite converting on only one of his eleven break points and having to withstand a barrage of 26 aces from the Large Croat.

This Morning's Prediction for Why Katarina Srebotnik vs. Yung-Jan Chan Will Be Intriguing: Expect Srebotnik to have her hands full.  Match result: Srebotnik def. Chan 6-4 6-3  Comments: Yeah, Srebotnik won the match fairly handily, but then she had to withdraw from her next match against Dinara Safina with a left ankle injury.  How do you like me now?  *does pimp dance* *injures left ankle*

This Morning's Prediction for Why Ashley Sparklepuss vs. Tamarine Tanasugarn Will Be Intriguing: Haven’t you heard?  Harkleroad’s posing for Playboy!  Match result: Tanasugarn def. Harkleroad 4-6 6-4 7-5  Comments: And the tennis wasn't too bad either.  I forgot to look at the spread for this one beforehand, so I had no idea it'd be this close.  (What?  No - the POINT SPREAD, dummy!  Why, what did you think I meant?).  Anywho, The Tamarine Dream rallied from 3-5 down in the final set, reeling off the final four games and taking the match.

This Morning's Prediction for Why Svetlana Kuznetsova vs. Caroline Wozniacki Will Be Intriguing: Wozniacki has been playing like a maniacki lately, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she gave SKuzzy some trouble.  Match result: Wozniacki def. Kuznetsova 6-2 6-2  Comments: Well I wasn't expecting her to give S-Kuz THAT much trouble!  The former Wimbledon girls' champ adds Skuzzy to her mantle of attractive Top Ten scalps (she's beaten Bartoli twice this year - and do you know how hard it is to get a SECOND scalp from the same person?)

This Morning's Prediction for Why Amelie Mauresmo vs. Samantha Stosur Will Be Intriguing: This match has “human interest story” written all over it.  Match result: Stosur def. Mauresmo 1-2 ret.  Comments: It was ALL human interest, as the fragile Frenchwoman retired with a left thigh injury.  For those who are interested in the human that is Mauresmo, the retirement seemed more of a precautionary measure, and I would expect her to be healthy (physically anyway) for Wimbledon.

So.  You see?  I rule.  In other news that reeks somewhat less of self-horn-tootage:

7th-seeded Guillermo Canas and unseeded-but-resurgent Juan Martin Del Potro celebrated their respective Netherlands singles victories today by going out and absolutely SMOKING Frenchmen Arnaud Clement and Florent Serra 6-2 6-0 in doubles (and speaking of smoking in the Netherlands, does anyone else find it funny that the ATP protennislive window describes the Eastborne tourney as "Women", the Nottingham tourney as "Men" and the Netherlands tourney as "Joint"?  I mean, I knew drug use was legal over there, but this is just taking it too far!)

32 players will be seeded in the men's and ladies' singles. These will be the top 32 players on the ATP Entry System Position (ESP) and the WTA Tour ranking.

The seeds are the top 32 players on the ATP Entry System Position (ESP), BUT then rearranged on a surface-based system. A seeding Committee is not required for the Gentlemen’s Singles since the seeding order is determined using an objective and transparent system to reflect more accurately an individual player’s grass court achievements: The formula is:

· Take ESP points at 16 June 2008

· Add 100% points earned for all grass court tournament in the past 12 months

· Add 75% points earned for best grass court tournament in the 12 months before that.

Isn't that simple?!  Now, there are those who love that Wimbledon actually adjusts the rankings to reflect quality of play on their particular surface, which can sometimes lead to less ridiculous seedings like the one we just saw at the French Open, where never-defeated King of Clay Rafa Nadal was seeded #2. 

Others, however, hate this deviation and believe that the world rankings should be adhered to.  We won't get into that debate right here and now.  What we will do, though, is show you what the actual adjustments were from the players' rankings to where they're seeded - who went up, and who went down?  Also: does it matter? 

Let's begin with a look at the men's - excuse me, "Gentlemen's" - seeds.  The top seven world rankings remain untouched by the Wimbledon formula, so Roger Federer is #1, Rafael Nadal is #2, Novak Djokovic is #3, Nikolay Davydenko is #4, David Ferrer is #5, Andy Roddick is #6, and David Nalbandian is #7.

But here's where it gets REALLY interesting.  American Flake James Blake, the #8 ranked player in the world, has been bumped down a notch to the number nine seed, while French Flake Richard Gasquet, the #9 ranked player in the world, is seeded #8.  Aha, the ol' Wimbledonian switcheroo! 

Why does this matter?  Well, friends, those seeded in the Top Eight do not have to face a higher-seeded foe until the quarterfinals, while those relegated to seeds #9-16 must play a higher seed one round earlier in the fourth round (aka "The Round of 16").  In other words, Mr. Blake got a raw deal.  Formula or not, this is the difference between him having to go through 3 Top Eight seeds on route to the Championship (HAHAHAHAA *cough* sorry, I just don't think he'd make it THAT far) and going through FOUR Top Eight Seeds.  Ouch.  Blake must be youzhnying himself even more for the fact that his ranking just slipped on place from #7 last week. Had this one-down droppage happened last week, it would not have mattered a whit.

Reeeeshard, meanwhile, who was playing terribly before the French (he seemed on the verge of a complete breakdown, more accurately), and is only playing marginally better on the grass with a new coach (he lost to Nalbandian in the quarterfinals of the Queens Club tourney) reaps all the benefits that poor James hath lost.  It's somewhat fitting, though, that these two were the ones involved in Ye Olde Switcheroo, as they're both two of the biggest head cases on the tour, and I'd be surprised if both of them made it as far as their seeding indicates they should.

Seeded at Number Ten is Marcos Baghdatis, who finds himself hoisted that position from his relatively-lowly world ranking of #25.  That's a fifteen-spot hoist!  That's the difference between meeting a higher seed in the third round and, as is now the case, not having to play a higher seed until the fourth round.  Let's hope it works out for the cheerful Cypriot, as he's been coming back from injuries and personal struggles and it would be nice to see him do as well as his seeding windfall would like him to.

At Number Eleven is a similarly-whisked Tomas Berdych - the Czech was lifted 8 places from his world ranking of #19.  Therefore, he reaps all the same benefits that Baghdatis does.

The next five seeds all experienced some minimal shifting, but it's not enough to be impactful.  Twelfth seed Andy Murray is down one from his World No. 11 ranking, but it matters little as he doesn't move from one seeding quadrant (Top Eight, Top Sixteen, Top Thirty-Two) to another.  The same can be said for Number Thirteen Seed Stanislas Wawrinka (down three spots from World No. 10), Number 14 Paul-Henri Mathieu (up two from World #16), #15 Fernando Gonzalez (down one from #14), and #16 Radek Stepanek (down one from #15).  Stepanek should be relieved, however, that his world ranking went up one place from last week, otherwise this one-spot drop in the seedings would have left him on the outside of the Top Sixteen looking in.

#17 Seed Mikhail Youzny remains untouched, unblemished, unmoved by the Wimbledon formula, as his world ranking is also #17.  (I guess they figured he does enough self-blemishing that they should leave him alone with their stupid formula.  You don't want Mikhail hitting himself some more over a simple seeding shift).

Number Eighteen Seed Ivo Karlovic makes a meaningless move from World #22 (as movement within seeds 16-32 essentially accrue no benefit).  But Number 19 Seed Nicolas Almagro finds himself falling down from a World No. 12 ranking, which means he'll have to now face a higher seed in the third round instead of being able to wait til the fourth.

The next next seven players experienced shifts that don't really account for anything: Lleyton Hewitt (up seven spots from #27 to the 20th seed), Juan-Carlos Ferrero (up two from #23 to the 21st seed), Fernando Verdasco (down one from #21 to the 22nd seed), Tommy Robredo (down five from #18 to the 23rd seed), Jarkko Nieminen (up four to #28 from the 24th seed), Dmitry Tursunov (up six from #31 to the 25th seed), and Ivan Ljubicic - untouched at #27.  The Ljub's just too slippery to get a handle on.

Next we find our big winner - German Nicolas Kiefer, up six spots from his World No. 33 ranking (where he would have been unseeded) to the 27th seed.  OK, so the withdrawals of Carlos Moya and Juan Monaco make this a little anticlimactic, as he probably would have been seeded anyway.  But don't spoil it for Nicolas - I'm sure he's quite happy about all this!  (p.s. Kiefer also moved up 5 spots in the world rankings from last week on the strength of his semifinal performance in Halle (Holla!), so without that he definitely would not have been seeded).

The next three seeds were also shifted too little to matter: 28th seed Gilles Simon (up one from 29), 29th seed Andreas Seppi (up one from 30), and 30th seed Gael Monfils (up two from 32).

But 31st seed Feliciano Lopez (whose first name means "The Very Happy Lopez" in Spanish) (not really, but I like saying that) must be the very happiest man in the tennis-playing land: he moved up 4 spots from a would-be-unseeded world ranking of #35 to the 31st seed.  And the Moya and Monaco withdrawals don't even factor.  Thus, Feliciano Lopez is the reaper of the biggest reward Ye Olde Seeding Formula has to offer.  Congratulations, Feliciano!  May your shorts be forever see-through!

The final seed, 32nd-seeded Michael Llodra, also shifted up two spots from Unseededland, but that likely would have occurred anyway with the M&M withdrawal - so pish posh, I say! 

Since this post is getting overly-long, I'll be back to hash out the Womens' - excuse me, "Ladies'" - seeds in a separate article.  See you there!

UPDATE: There will be no separate Ladies' article, as I just looked at their seeds and - strangely - there were no changes at all, save for France's Tatiana Golovin (World No. 21) withdrawing and everyone behind her moving up one spot.  The only one who really benefits from that is India's Sania Mirza, who would have been unseeded but now finds herself at the #32 spot.  If Amelie Mauresmo can't play (she just defaulted in her match against Sam Stosur this morning), then #34-ranked Anabel Medina Garrigues may luck out with a seed as well. 

This awesome format feature comes equipped with many user-friendly aspects for you, the column reader.  For instance, you get a glimpse into the inner workings of my tennis mind (scary!  proceed with caution!).  Also, you get to decide whether you too are intrigued, and - if you are - whether it's for the same reason or a different one that you can personalize yourself. 

The payoff for me is: you can't blame me as much when the matches blow.  'Cause maybe "compelling tennis" isn't why I found these matches interesting in the first place, sucka!  Nyah to the nyah.  Anyway, enough with the previewing the preview column - let's put this awesome new ground-breaking format to work right now:

Nottingham - Slazenger Open

Match: 4th-seeded Extra Large Croat Ivo Karlovic vs. 42nd-ranked Somewhat Also Large American Sam Querrey.  Why It's Intriguing: Um, do you like tiebreaks?

Match: 5th-seeded Frenchman Gilles Simon vs. Mysterious Melbournian Mammal Samuel Groth  Why It's Intriguing: It's the Australian Groth!  One of the most dangerous and little-known racquet-wielding bipeds on the planet!  If you've been following this blog faithfully like you know you should, you've seen this 308th-ranked floater knock off one unsuspecting target after another, starting with second-best Serb Janko Tipsarevic.  And he's been acing his Aussie arse off in every match.  Expect Simon to not know what hit him.  Because, frankly, neither do we.

Match: 8th-seeded Frenchman Gael Monfils vs. 44th-ranked Frenchman Julien Benneteau.  Why It's Intriguing: Friends!  Countrymen!  Lovers?  Eh, probably not.  But Benneteau's had some good results of late - he was one of the Fabulous French Five that made the Round of 16 at the French Open.  Monfils, of course, did him two rounds better there, making the semis.  And seriously: do you really have to ask why this match is intriguing?  ANY match Gael plays is intriguing by its very nature, you heretic!

Match: 7th-seeded Italian Andreas Seppi vs. 61st-ranked Argentine Eduardo Schwank.  Why It's Intriguing: Schwank made his tour breakthrough at the French, beating Carlos Moya in the first round before losing to Paul-Henri Mathieu in the third.  Plus, he had won three consecutive clay court challenger tournaments before that.  It'll be interesting to see how Mr. Schwank's game and recent hot streak (he's won 18 of his last 19 matches) translates onto grass against a solid opponent.

Match: 3rd-seeded Spaniard Fernando Verdasco vs. unseeded American Bobby Reynolds.  Why It's Intriguing: Bobby Reynolds is "spurred by love" these days (according to Justin Gimelslob) and Verdasco recently posed naked.  Will this lead to fireworks on the court?

Match: Top-seeded Czech Radek Stepanek vs. unseeded American (C)Rapper Vince Spadea.  Why It's Intriguing: See how many games Vince can win!  I bet it's fewer than the dope rhymes he can come up with for "Czech", "Radek" and "Stepanek".

Match: 68th-ranked Swede Thomas Johansson vs. Nobody.  Why It's Intriguing: The "Nobody" is erstwhile 6th-seed Dmitry Tursunov, who got kicked out of the tournament by The Sherrifs Supervisor of Nottingham for being a baby and walking out of his doubles match.  Johansson advances to the quarterfinals having played only one set of tennis (his previous opponent, Kei Nishikori, retired in that match).

Netherlands - The Ordina Open

Match: 4th-seeded Large Croat Ivan Ljubicic vs. 100th-ranked Serb Viktor Troicki.  Why It's Intriguing: Troicki's been playing well of late, backdrafting behind all the recent Serbian success, and is much more dangerous than his ranking indicates.

Match: 7th-seeded Katarina Srebotnik vs. 74th-ranked lucky loser Yung-Jan Chan.  Why It's Intriguing: Like Troicki, Yung-Jan is an up-and-comer who has had some good results lately.  Expect Srebotnik to have her hands full (she is holding a racquet, after all).  In addition, it's just fun to say "Yung-Jan Chan".  Say it out loud a couple of times, with some gusto, and see if it doesn't improve the quality of your day.

Match: Unseeded American Ashley Sparklepuss vs. unseeded Thailandian Tamarine Tanasugarn.  Why It's Intriguing: Haven't you heard?  Harkleroad's posing for Playboy!  *yawns*

The Witches of Eastborne

Match: Top-seeded Russian Svetlana Kuznetsova vs. 32nd-ranked Dane Caroline Wozniacki.  Why It's Intriguing: Wozniacki has been playing like a maniacki lately, and I wouldn't be surprised if she gave SKuzzy some trouble.  Plus, it's just fun to say "Wozniacki".  Say it out loud a couple of times, with some gusto, and see if it doesn't improve the quality of your day.

Match: Unseeded Australian Samantha Stosur vs. unseeded Frenchwoman Amelie Mauresmo.  Why It's Intriguing: Mauresmo's careeer has been on the decline, with talk of imminent retirement in the air.  Which is what makes her first-round win against 6th-seeded countrywoman Alize Cornet, and her talk of feeling comfortable again on grass, all the more interesting.  Stosur is experiencing a comeback on a much larger scale, returning for the ravages of Lyme Disease.  This match has "human interest story" written all over it, and the tennis shouldn't be bad either.

Well, that's all for now, chickadees.  There are probably some more good matches that I'm overlooking, but I just got tired of writing, so you'll have to find those matches on your own.  I have confidence in you, my doves!  Oh, and for those of you who are wondering (which is no one), I'm doing a separate post on the qualifying at Wimbledon.  So keep your eye on the intertubes, as that will be floating by sometime soon.

The day started out with a bang and a thud - the bang coming courtesy of the serves and snappy play that propelled Andy Roddick to a 7-6 (5) tiebreak edge over countryman Martdy Fish, and the thud coming right at the end of said tiebreak, when Martdy hurt one of his fish sticks, injuring an ankle and having to retire.  Perhaps longer socks might have provided more ankular support?  Yeah, I know - I'm lame and cruel.  But that's what sports blogs are for!

Meanwhile, some high-quality interestingness unfolded on Court One as Extra-Spicy Chilean Fernando Gonzalez lost his match against Extra-Large Croat Ivo Ljubicic on a third code violation (aka a game penalty) when he abused a ball after losing his serve at 3-6 5-all.  Thus, after the lost serve made it 6-5, the game penalty negated the necessity of Dr. Ivo even having to serve it out, handing him the match 6-3 7-5.  But you know what I find works well after some ball abuse?  A little bit of Ljub.  So he probably would have served it out anyway...

The second matches on court today provided the requisite thrills, as expected.  The Court One clash between French Flake Richard Gasquet and Large Law-Degreed Croat Mario Ancic ended more quickly than anticipated, as Reeeeeeeshard's remarkable recovery from his "knee" injury continued with a straight set 7-6 (5) 6-4 victory.  And it could have been even easier, had some of his flakiness not kicked in to help him fritter away 9 of 10 break point opportunities. 

Now here's where my scrawled and partially indecipherable notes kick in, for the most excellent awesomitude that was the Scot Snot, 6th-seeded Andy Murray, against the Multiple Ernests Gulbis.  We'll pick up the action at 5-all 30-all in the first set, Murray serving. 

*time-shifting to present tense - I hope you took your dramamine*

At 30-all the Multiple races up to a surly Scottish short ball in plenty of time to smack a backhand crosscourt, but he hits it way long.  The only problem for Murray is: the ball hits him in the torso as he runs to anticipate the shot and he can't quite get out of the way. 

Now, from my ultra-stellar junior tournament days, even I know this means Gulbis gets the point.  If a ball hits you before it bounces - even if you're behind the baseline or outside the sideline - your opponent gets the point.  Simple as that.  Except the person operating the on-screen graphic scoreboard doesn't know the rule - the display remains at 30-all for a long time - and, as we learn after Murray wins the next point and the Multiple goes to sit down in his changeover chair, neither does the Multiple Ernests! 

The chair ump calls the score at deuce, and the affable Latvian starts laughing the disarmingly carefree 5-all deuce kind of laugh that only a 19-year-old jet-setting Michael Cera-lookalike can quite manage.  So he gets up out of his chair, breaks Murray, then goes and sits down again (a Murray double fault helps this process, but still).  Ho to the hum.

And the drama doesn't end there, folks!  Nuh-uh!  Apparently, the acerbic Andy hurt his thumb as he half-dove for a Gulbis passing shot a few points ago, so on the changeover, a trainer comes out, covers Murray's thumb with a creamy white goo, and proceeds to give the pasty Scot one of the most disgusting thumb massages I've ever seen - and I've seen a lot of them.  The Multiple, meanwhile, waits through the delay with a towel over his head, one of the wealthy weirdo's many funny on-court affectations with which we're becoming fondly familiar.  Then he gets up and jogs to the baseline, waiting to serve and dancing around, trying to stay loose.

So after the scummy Scottish thumb job that we're forced to visually ingest with nauseatingly close-up detail, Gulbis comes out to serve for the first set at 6-5.  At 30-all, Andy hits a real purdy forehand pass up the line for break point.  But the Multiple Ernests hold on with some strong serving to take the game and the first set 7-5.

And then Murray takes the next set 6-1, but that's not important right now, 'cause there's still more drama waiting for us in the third set!  At love-all deuce (and I do love all deuce), the Multiple wrong-foots Murray, and the Brit git goes down in a heap, rolling around and holding his crotch.  Gulbis runs over to the splayed Scot to see if he's OK, and then just kind of hovers nearby as Andy writhes dramatically. 

Murray eventually gets up and now we have another injury timeout and are treated to another horrifying bit of masochistic (for the viewer) massage porn, as Andy's white-meated thigh gets a workout at the hands of the ever-attentive trainer.  Then the trainer moves around behind and starts massaging Murray's neck.  What the hell is going on?  Seriously, someone needs to put this with a 70's porn soundtrack and get it on YouTube - stat!

Anyway, Murray comes back out and seems to move fine, but loses the point to trail 1-0 in the third set.  In the next game, though, he hits two drop shots on successive points, and you don't know if it's just typical Murray madness or he's looking to end the points quickly due to limited mobility.  He also seems reluctant to change directions on another point.  Regardless, two service winners and an ace help him hold for 1-all.

In the next game, Murray's movement seems fine though, to the point where commentators John Lloyd and Greg Rusedski start calling Andy "full of drama" and such.  Gulbis hits a GORgeous drop volley to get to 40-0 and holds serve for 2-1.  Hilariously, a lovingly slo-mo montage of all of Andy's falling and writhing is played during the changeover, including one from a previous match.  Seems the Scot's got a bit of Euro football fever this week!

Both players hold rather easily up 'til 4-all, but then - with the multiple Ernests serving at 15-30 - a Gulbis ball is called out and summarily challenged by the Latvian.  The call stands and it's double break point for the Scot, 15-40.  An Ernests ace saves one break point.  But at 30-40, the Latvian comes to net, where he gets the chance to put away an overhead; but Murray tracks it down for a slappy backhand pass up the line, winning the break and letting out a William Wallaceworthy scream.  Then he holds at love for the match, 5-7 6-1 6-4.

So THAT happened.  Lessee, what else?  Oh yeah - 11th-seeded Lleyton Hewitt's hip held out well enough for the Aus-hole to score the only "upset" of a top eight seed going into the quarterfinals (although it doesn't really count as a real upset 'cause I predicted it), beating 7th seed Paul-Henri Mathieu 6-4 6-4.

And that Delray Beach title-winning Japanese kid sure can play, can't he?  Sho nuff, 18-year-old Kei Nishikori showed chumps like Nicolas Almagro and Fernando Verdasco that Rafael Nadal can be your favorite player AND you can still give him a tough match - these two things are not mutually exclusive.  Special Kei not only took a set from his hero, but after Rafa's tough 6-4 3-6 6-3 victory, his hero proclaimed him destined to be a Top Five player.  Not a bad day's work for the lad.

In other news, I should have known Novak Djokovic would have trouble playing his buddy and countryman Janko Tipsarevic today.  I had forgotten about Djoko's loss to co-Serb Viktor Troicki last year at Umag, and how afterwards he spoke of his dislike at the prospects of playing his compatriotic cronies.  So of course Nole came out and melted like like soft-Serb ice cream in the first set, hitting 3 double faults and only winning 3 out of his 15 points on second serve to go down 6-2. 

Janko even led by a break in the second before he started feeling (and playing) badly himself, losing the next six games and, subsequently, the set 6-1.  This match almost seemed like an exhibition where the guys say, "You take the first, I'll take the second, and we'll fight it out for real in the third."  Regardless, it was the Djoker that won the third set battle, taking the match 2-6 6-1 6-4, ending in near darkness (Janko, of course still had on his shades) at 9pm with a heartfelt hug at net.   Awwwww.

And, sad though I am to say it, David Nalbandian put the smackdown on the Shermanator in the only other Londonian match I haven't typed about, 6-4 6-1.   Oh Nicolas the Mahut, how I've loved linking to your Separated at Birth page all these days.  I shall miss you and your linkage.

Meanwhile, in Halle Germany (say it with me now: Holla!), a dude by the name of Roger Federer won his 56th grass court match in a row by beating a 342nd-ranked dude by the name of Jan Vacek, 7-5 6-3.  And all around the world, rabid fans of all the Top Three men started making still more idiotic arguments about Their Guy's claim to the top-ranked spot in the world.  "Ooooh, Roger struggled against someone ranked 342."  "Ahaaaa, Rafa sucks when he's not on clay."  "Eeeeeep, Novak lost a set too."  Ya know what?  Shut up, ALL y'all.  You lot are getting on my nerves.  Sincerely.

Also, Michael Llodra beat Steve Darcis 7-6 7-6, fifth-seeded Marcos Baghdatis continued his impressive return from hiatus, straighting Fabrice Santoro 6-4 6-3 (and it's hard to straight someone known as "Fabrice"), and - in the Deutschland match of the day (as I so wonderfully predicted) - hometown Herr-o Nicolas Kiefer beat Russian serial self-abuser Mikhail Youzhny 6-2 5-7 6-3.

Women?  Clay?  Try renting the movie "Ghost".

14th-seeded Spaniard Feliciano Lopez, whose name - as I've stated before (quite incorrectly) - is Spanish for "Very Happy Lopez", apparently (and transparently) took to the Queens Club courts in see-through shorts today.  Yes, according to match witnesses, one was able to tell exactly just how happy Very Happy Lopez was at any given moment.  Unfortunately for him (and, possibly, them), he couldn't have been all that happy, as he went down to Shermanator Nicolas Mahut in a thriller: 6-3 6-7 (4) 7-6 (4).

In other "ass" news, certifiable ass Andy Murray, that 6th-seeded Scottish git, didn't have to haul too much of his bony rump around the court, as French opponent SebAStien Grosjean had to retire after two games with a left leg injury.  Meanwhile, Belgian Xavier Malisse - whose last name contains the letters "a-s-s" - overcame his dodgy wrist to beat British loser Daniel Evans 6-1 6-1.  Malisse will face perennial Aus-hole Lleyton Hewitt tomorrow in a Battle of the Gimps, as Hewitt has been fighting a hip injury and has stated that he wouldn't even be playing were it not ass grass season.

In more down to earth "grass" news, I must now commence with the tootage of my own horn: in this morning's "Court In Session" Daily Preview, you see, I had this to say:  "Today’s intriguing matchups (yet to be played) include: Grosjean/Murray (6), Clement/Seppi (12), Cilic/Mathieu (7), Ancic/Verdasco (9) and Isner/Anderson on the grass in London, and Llodra/Ljubicic (8), Haas/Stepanek (6), and Lipsky/Vacek on the grass in Germany."

Well - do I know how to pick 'em or what?  Let's go down the London list first, shall we?  The 12th-seeded Italian Seppi (my favorite kind of Seppi!) needed three sets to dispatch of the annoyingly-eyeglassed Frenchman Arnaud Clement 6-3 4-6 6-1.  Seventh-seeded Paul-Henri Mathieu (and with a name like that, he's GOT to be French) also needed three to overcome Large Croat Marin Cilic 6-3 3-6 6-4.  Large-But-Skinnier Croat Lawyer Mario Ancic upset 9th-seeded opossum-haired Spaniard Fernando Verdasco in a tight two sets 7-6 6-4.  And Grandpa John Isner had a college flashback and won his collegiate title all over again, with the Georgia alum Isner beating Illini alum Kevin Anderson 7-6 6-4 in a sort of "Georgia beats Illinois" deja vu from their college days, when Isner's Bulldogs were the national champs.  The kegger's at Grandpa's tonight!

Meanwhile, my predictions of intrigue were even more stunningly adept and prescient with regard to the German action.   The unseeded Frenchman Michael Llodra beat 8th-seeded Very Large Croat Ivan Ljubicic in the battle of Serve and Volleyers Whose Surnames Start With L Consonant Blends 6-7 (6) 7-6 (5) 7-5.  Hometownish hero of Deutschland Tommy Haas ate "The Worm" Radek Stepanek in another three-set thriller, taking down the sixth-seeded Czech 6-7 (0) 7-6 (3) 6-4.  And even that stupid Lipsky match went three sets, with the Last American Virgin Lipsky, playing his first ATP Tour-level match, going down 3-6 6-3 6-2 to Czech buzzkill Jan Vacek.

The message in all of this is clear, people: don't ever watch another tennis match ever again unless you've come here first and verified that I've deemed it laden with potential intrigue.  Consider yourself advised and forewarned.

Believe it or don't, there was other interesting action which I did not prognosticate.  Such as: 16th-seeded American doofus Sam Querrey losing to Freedomman Olivier Patience 7-5 5-7 6-4.  And that's about it. 

Actually, wait a sec: there was also some crazy-ass doubles action in London, with top two (singles) seeds Rafa Nadal and Novak Djokovic getting their grass on in losses with their respective partners, 35-year-old Rogaine criminal Mariano Hood (a fitting last name) and Serbian existentialist Janko Tipsarevic. 

And no, I'm not gonna type anything about Poland, or the women, or Polish women.  Sorry, Agnieszka!  That's all for now.  Make sure to tune in tomorrow morning to see what matches will be worth watching!

Starting off in the top half and top quarter of the draw (aka Fed's Half and Fed's Quarter), we find Swiss #1 Roger Federer facing off against unseeded 55th-ranked Frenchman (one of five remaining) Julien Benneteau.  For what it's worth (which is diddly squat), Federer has met Benneteau once and has beaten him once, in 2007 on a hard court in Cincinatti 6-3 6-3.  I'm sure the staggering momentum Roger built up with that win will help propel him to another.  Plus, Federer has been playing his best tennis of the year so far at Roland Garros.  Expect Federer to roll in straight sets. 

The other, somewhat inconsequential match in Fed's Quarter features 88th-ranked American Robby Ginepri against the 24th seed, Chilean Fernando Gonzalez.  Unsurprisingly, Gonzalez is 3-0 lifetime against the unseeded American.  Surprisingly, all of those matches have been on (relatively) fast courts - two on grass, one on hard, the most recent meeting coming in 2007 at Wimbledon, with "Gonzo" taking their first round encounter 3-6 7-6 6-2 6-2.  Well, if Ginepri can't beat Gonzalez on faster courts, he sure as heck ain't gonna beat him on clay.  Plus, the muscle-bound American came into this year's tournament with an 0-5 record in the French.  He's had a great run in Paris this year, but don't expect it to last.  Gonzo wins easily, probably in straights, despite that fact that Ginepri will likely be a bit fresher, having won his previous match in three sets as opposed to the five that Gonzalez needed to overcome his previous opponent.

I referred to the Gonzalez/Ginepri matchup as "inconsequential" (somewhat) because of the small fact that Federer has a 14-1 record against both of them combined.  Fed's 4-0 lifetime against Ginepri, all on hard courts, the most recent win coming in 2007 at the Masters Series Madrid, with Roger winning 7-6 6-4.  Federer's 10-1 in his career against Gonzalez, 4-0 on clay, including a 2005 win at Roland Garros 7-6 (9) 7-5 6-2.  Granted, Gonzo has pushed Roger to a third and decisive set in three of their previous four best-two-out-of-three encounters (the most recent coming on a hard court at the 2007 Tennis Masters Cup in China 3-6 7-6 (1) 7-5), but I fully expect Fed to make good should this matchup come to pass as well.  Although I won't be surprised if Gonzalez takes a set or even two.

For those "break the bank" types who can't help but wonder about the underdogs, I'll indulge you: Benneteau is 0-1 lifetime against Ginepri, losing their only match - in the first round of the 2007 US Open - 3-6 6-4 6-4 6-4.  But the Frenchman is even in his series against Gonzalez, each player taking one match of the two they've played.  Benneteau got the best of their most recent matchup in '06 on carpet in Paris, winning 3-6 6-4 7-5.  But, you'll excuse me when I say none of this paragraph really matters - I call it "Fed's Quarter" for a reason, and he's the odds on favorite in this section of the draw for the same reason.  Bet against him at your peril!

The "Other Quarter" in Fed's Half (which used to be known as "Davy's Quarter" until he was unceremoniously dumped in the Battle of the Baldies), features unseeded Frenchman (second in a series) Gael Monfils vs. 28th-seeded Large Croat Ivan Ljubicic, and 5th-seeded Spaniard David Ferrer against 21st-seeded Czech Radek "The Worm" Stepanek.  This is where things get decidedly less definitive.

The closest thing to a "sure bet" in this quarter isn't very "sure" at all - Ljubicic has a 3-1 lifetime record against the 55th-ranked Monfils, but none of them are on clay, and their most recent match was an '07 Netherlands encounter on grass (which is, like, totally legal there) that Ljubicic won 3-6 6-3 6-0.  Also, both men are coming off tough, physical five set wins in their previous matches.  All of which tells us, ultimately, nothing.  I'd expect Ljubicic to win, but I wouldn't expect it to be in straight sets, and I wouldn't be completely shocked if Monfils won either - since he'll have the crowd behind him in this go 'round.  Does all that sound pretty wishy-washy?  You bet it is!  And buckle up, children, because it's about to get even wishier and washier.

Ferrer, you see, had to have wanted to meet ANYONE but Stepanek, of all the players he could have faced in this round.  After all, the two have split their four meetings, with "The Worm" taking their most recent (and only) match on clay a month or so ago in Rome, 4-6 6-2 6-1.  What's more, the pair's previous matchup in a Grand Slam has to be weighing somewhat heavily on Ferrer's mind - sure, the Spaniard won their 07 Aussie Open match, coming down from 2 sets to love and winning 6-7 4-6 6-0 6-4 6-3, but I'm sure he doesn't like thinking about that tough slog having come off his previous match, a tough five-setter against Aussie Lleyton Hewitt; meanwhile Stepanek breezed though his previous match (relatively speaking), straight-setting Tommy Robredo.  There's just not much between these two at all.  Remember that coin I had you toss out the window, then retrieve and then toss again in my previous draw analysis?  Well track that sucker down and give it a good toss for old times sake.

So, do things get clearer in the next round, you might ask?  No, they most decidedly do not whatsoever, I might answer (assuming, of course, that you'd asked).  If Ferrer makes it through his match against Stepanek - and I am so not solid on that "if" - then he has the best chance of winning his quarter.  Not only is he the highest seed (by far) remaining in his quarter of the draw, but he has a good record against his next most-likely opponent, leading 3-1 lifetime against Ljubicic, all on clay, the most recent being a 6-3 6-3 win in 07 in Hamburg.  Ferrer and Monfils have never played, though I would heavily favor the Spaniard should that pairing come to pass.

If Stepanek gets through to the next round - and there's a darn good chance he might - the picture is even murkier.  The Czech worm has a 1-1 career record against both Monfils and Ljubicic, but he has taken the only encounter on clay against Monfils ('07 Hamburg 6-0 2-0 RET) and lost his only encounter on clay against Ljubicic ('07 Monte Carlo 7-6 (6) 7-6 (5)). 

Bottom Line In This Quarter: Ljubicic is the closest thing to a sure bet in this quarter over Monfils, Ferrer/Stepanek is a toss-up, and if I had to choose I'd go with Ferrer to be the most likely to emerge, especially if he handles Stepanek.  But, similar to what I said in my previous - NOW OUTDATED - analysis (that you keep clicking on, damn you!), it kind of doesn't matter who emerges from this section of the draw, as Fed has a combined 27-5 record against all four of his possible semifinal opponents.

And three of those five losses for Federer came early in his career against Ljubicic, and thus really don't count for too much.  They split three of their first six matches early on, but since then Roger has reeled off 9 consecutive wins against the Croat, the most recent being this year on hard court in Indian Wells 6-3 6-4.  Interestingly, Fed has won his most recent two matches this year against Monfils by that same score, 6-3 6-4 (one of those matches was clay in Monte Carlo, the other coming on hard courts in Miami).  Roger is 3-0 over Monfils overall. And the Swiss Number One has the best record of all against the player I have as most likely to emerge from his quarter, David Ferrer.  Federer is 8-0 against the Spaniard, with three of those victories coming on clay.  Granted their two most recent encounters (in '07) went the three-set distance, but I still don't give Ferrer much of a chance to beat Federer in a best-of-five should they meet in the semis.

Oddly, the person who has the best record of all those who might face Federer in the semis is Radek Stepanek, who is truly looking like the wildcard in this section of the draw.  Though Roger has a 4-2 overall record against The Worm, they split their four matches on clay 2-2, the most infamous of those meetings being that recent match in Rome, which the Czech won 7-6 (4) 7-6 (7).  If I had to get behind one longshot to make it to the finals from the top half of the draw, my money would be squarely on Stepanek.  Lucky thing I don't have any!  Overall, though, I'm looking for Federer to get through against Ferrer (and not in straight sets) in the top half's final, aka the semifinal.

Let's venture to the bottom half of the draw, shall we, and have a bit of a look see?  Sounds nice.  I'll meet you there.

The Top Quarter of the Bottom Half of the Draw is still known as "Djoker's Quarter", as the amount of upsets in this section have made the draw even more favorable for the 3rd-seeded Serbian to get through.  Although there's certainly not a lot of history to assess amongst the players who now occupy this quarter of the draw; no matter what projections are made in the potential matchups, none of the players in this part of the draw have ever played one another on clay.

Let's look at some of the specifics: Djokovic will play 18th-seeded Frenchman (third in a series) Paul-Henri Mathieu in his fourth round match.  The two have met twice before, each winning one match, and none on clay.  However, both of their matches came in 2006, back before Djoko's ascendancy to the Top Three in men's tennis (he was a 16th-ranked up-and-comer back then).  Paul Henri won the most recent of their matches 7-6 (11) 7-6 (4).  But while there wasn't much between them then, I'd feel safe in saying there's more between them today, as Djokovic has risen through the ranks, and Mathieu has been largely stagnant.  Perhaps the French crowd and Coach Wilander can help PHM to new heights on the Paris Clay, but I think it's a stretch at best.  Novak is now far better at too many aspects of the game, coaching and venue and surface be damned!  I expect a Djokovic four set win.  You should too.

In the Other Match in Djoko's Quarter, two unseeded players - the 41st ranked Frenchman (fourth in a series) Michael Llodra and the 80th-ranked Latvian, "The Multiple" Ernests Gulbis - will fight for a spot in the quarterfinals.  Llodra has won their only previous matchup at a Challenger Event in 2007, 6-3 6-4 on a hard court in Germany.  But the lovable Latvian has made some serious strides since even that relatively recent time, although whatever strides he has made could well be offset by the support of the home crowd for Llodra.  The Frenchman plays an attacking game, often at net, while "The Multiple" plays a more all-court, power-packed game.  All of which is to say: there's not much between these two.  Due to Llodra's higher ranking, winning record over Gulbis, and his home court advantage, I'm going to say that the Frenchman will come through this one, but not in straight sets.  A few of them might be quite curvy.

And regardless of who meets whom in the quarters, there's still not a lot of history amongst the players.  If Llodra advances, he has a losing record against both possible opponents: 1-2 against Mathieu (with Mathieu winning the most recent two) and 0-1 against Djokovic, losing to the Serb on hard courts at Miami in '07, 6-4 6-1.  So even if Llodra gets through, as I'm predicting he shall, his prospects for further advancement in the tournament look bleak.  Meanwhile, the Latvian is an unknown variable, having never played either Novak or Paul-Henri.  But don't let all this "lack of recent history" gabbledygook fool you: Djokovic is still the third best player in the world, arguably the best player in the world so far this year, and - past-match analysis be damned - he should still be a heavy favorite to advance to his fifth straight Grand Slam semifinal.  It is still the "Djoker's Quarter" after all.

Finally, we have the bottom quarter, aka "Rafa's Quarter"; the second-seeded Spaniard faces off against Spanish lefty glamour boy, the 22nd-seeded Fernando Verdasco, in the fourth round.  While Verdasco is a flashy player (and also the 4th lefty in a row Rafa is facing), Nadal has a 6-0 career edge over his countryman, with one of those wins coming on clay.  Their most recent matchup saw Nadal winning on a hard court in Indian Wells in 2007 6-4 6-4.  In their six meetings, Verdasco has only taken one set against the perennial World Number Two.  Expect Rafa to make it through, even if Verdasco makes it interesting.

The other match in this quarter features the lowest ranked player remaining in the draw, the 145th-in-the-world Frenchman (fifth in a series) Jeremy Chardy, taking on 19th-seeded Spaniard (fourth in a series) Nicolas Almagro.  Since Chardy is coming out of virtually nowhere, no one in this quarter has any match history against him.  But expect him to be history in this match, as Almagro is looking healthy again - no sign that his wrist is bothering him after forcing him to retire in his Rome quarterfinal against Djokovic a month ago.

In the projected quarterfinal matchups, Nadal has a lifetime 2-0 record against Almagro, both on clay, the most recent win coming in the 2006 Barcelona tournament 7-5 6-3.  I'm expecting Rafa to have more trouble against Verdasco than against Almagro, but either way there is little reason to think that Nadal will lose his first match ever at Roland Garros against either of his countrymen. Nadal has, of course, never faced Chardy.  Nor will he.

Since you people always kill me with your curiosity (I thought it was supposed to kill the cat, not me!), I'll let you know that - surprise! - Verdasco has also never faced Chardy, should they meet in a mind- and bank-blowing quarterfinal.  Verdasco also holds a 3-0 career edge against Almagro should such a thing come to pass, with all of Fernando's wins coming on clay.  But who are we kidding here, really?  Rafa advances to face Djokovic in what is likely to be Match of the Century Part Deux.  As for THAT potential semifinal...

Tennis analysts much smarter than I (it doesn't take much) are of the mind that there is no way that the physically (and at times mentally) questionable Djokovic can overcome Nadal in a best three-of-five encounter, and I am inclined to agree.  Expect the two players to beat the bejesus out of one another, with Djoko acting as a human meat tenderizer of sorts, softening up Nadal and rendering him vulnerable for the final against...

Federer, of course (unless it's Stepanek) (or Ferrer) (or Gonzalez).  For the record, Rafa has a 4-0 lifetime record against Stepanek (with two of those victories coming on clay), a 6-3 career edge against Ferrer (4-1 on clay, with Nadal taking the two most recent meetings this year, at Barcelona 6-1 4-6 6-1 and at Monte Carlo 6-1 7-5), and a 3-3 stalemate against Gonzo (with Nadal having a 3-1 edge on clay, though).

Djoko vs. Stepanek?  Djoko vs. Ferrer?  Djoko vs. Gonzo - my mind just can't go there for now.  Check back at a later date if it looks like such an eventuality is coming to pass, as I'll be updating this article at the end of each round.

In the meantime, I'd say Nadal is still the favorite to win the tournament overall, and there's nothing I've seen in his play at Roland Garros to change my mind about that.  If Djokovic tenderizes Rafa's blisters to the point where the Spaniard is hobbled, then the Fed Express has a shot at derailing the Spanish Steamroller in the final - but it's still an outside shot at best.  A desperation running forehand pass from well behind the baseline.  Then again, Roger was always good at those...

So.  This concludes (for now) my up-to-the-minute analysis for head-to-heads in potential men's matchups.  Now don't be still clickin' on this when Wimbledon rolls around.  (I mean, sure I can delete this article, but that would just be enabling you, now wouldn't it?  Plus I can't bear to part with any of my precious typing).  Now run along, and make your bets, armed as you now are with such useless information.  Go on, now.  Shoo!

Let's go to today's action and find the man of the day... IVAN LJUBICIC!!!

Why, you say? Firstly he was down 2-0 against the 4th best clay player, the robotic Davydenko. Second, he has fallen down from top 3-4 to #30 very fast and with no good results to show in recent time. Third, he is one of the BIG guys with the big serve as main weapon. History shows that these guys succeed more on hard courts and grass. Fact of the matter is Ljubi played great tennis, few errors and made Davydenko come up with the good stuff. He wasn't able anymore after the first two sets, and Ivan took over. Great match, great setting and a great result for the big guy from Croatia. Kinda the only surprise left, apart from Chardy in the last 16.

Gonzalez did the same thing today, but you would excpect him to play a lot better than what he showed during the first two sets. Gonzo is a rollercoaster of another dimension and needs stability to get a big title. Wawrinka playing his best is perhaps not as good as Gonzo playing his best. That's why Gonzo won, I think.

Ok, here's a breakdown of the remaining candidates:
Federer-Benneteau (Federer just torn Ancic apart, will do it to Benne as well)
Gonzo-Ginepri (is this for real?! If Gonzo loses this, shame on him!)
Ljubicic-Monfils (this could go either way, depending on mental strength+best tennis possible)
Stepanek-Ferrer (probably to of the biggest dark horses to win the entire thing, super match!)
Gulbis-Llodra (big chance for both of them, is Gulbis mature enough to take it? 50-50 IMO)
Mathieu-Djokovic (either Mathieu plays his best and has a chance, or plays poorly and gets humiliated at home)
Chardy-Almagro (bye bye Chardy, Almagro losing this would be a big upset! who knows?)
Verdasco-Nadal (bye bye Verdasco. never beaten him, never even close, except for once on grass..Nadal in 3 I'm afraid)

Are you still here?  Good.  Since I already blew the suspense on all four matches I'll be focusing on (i.e. you already know they're all going five sets), let's just pick up the action in the fifth set of all of them, shall we?  We'll start with the aforementioned pair of gritty, gristly grinders (not so fun to eat as a lunch, but great to watch in a tennis match), Ferrer and Hewitt.  Coming into the French, the Lleyton wasn't sure if his hip would be healthy enough to even play the tournament, while Ferrer was considered one of the top threats to Roger Federer in the top half of the draw, given his return-of-serve skill and clay court prowess. 

And it looked like Ferrer would make easy work of a less-than-fit Hewitt in this match initially, with Ferrer racing out to a 6-2 3-0 lead.  And we laughed at Hewitt's pot belly, having never seen him have one before.  But although the Spaniard led 3-0 in both the second and the third sets, the tenacious Hewitt stormed back in each set, winning both by a score of 6-3 with the crowd heavily on his side and jeering the temperamental Ferrer's every racquet toss.  Ferrer finally was able to consolidate a set lead in the fourth, winning that set 6-3.

We pick things up three hours into the match, Ferrer serving down 2-3 but on serve in the fifth, with Ferrer one point from the game at 40-15.  A big Hewitt return of serve and a crosscourt forehand putaway closes the margin to 40-30.  Another deep Hewitt return yields a Ferrerror into the net, and now Lleyton's two points away from breaking serve at deuce.  Hewitt's wife smiles in the stands and sends a visual shoutout to U2's Bono with her wraparound fly-glasses.  Ferrer strokes a backhand long in the ensuing rally, and now Hewitt has a break point chance to go up 4-2.  The Aussie hits two lines on the next point, but Ferrer tracks them both down and holds his ground until Hewitt nets a forehand on the fourteenth stroke of the rally. 

Icelandic songstress Bjork once sang "Deus does not exist" during her stint with the Sugarcubes before she went solo, but we're here right now, proving her wrong: it's deus.  Or, rather, deuce.  Legendary Coach Tony Roche tries to send positive vibes to his charge Hewitt from the stands.  "Yes, Optus," says Roche's cap.  I'll hold off on googling that and just assume it's a line of dialog from Star Trek: The Next Generation. 

Tennis?  Well, sure, now that you mention it.  I have trouble focusing when the French crowd gets this clappy.  Ace up the middle for Ferrer, and da-VEED has game point.  On a second serve from the Spaniard, Hewitt tries to run around a backhand and pound a forehand up the line, but he only succeeds in connecting with the highest part of the net.  It's 3-all.

Now Hewitt serves and, after a ten-hit rally, he whacks a backhand long for 0-15.  Hewitt takes control of the subsequent point with an inside out forehand and then finishes off the short reply with a forehand up the line for 15-all.  Justin Gimelslob takes this moment to quote his favorite line from the movie "Miracle", about the US Olympic Hockey Team: "Legs feed the wolf."  Make of that what you will. 

The Spaniard nets a forehand Ferrerror on just the 8th stroke of the next rally, giving Hewitt a one-point lead in the match at 30-15, 3-all, 2 sets all.  Ferrer tries to redirect a crosscourt exchange of backhands but hits long down the line and it's 40-15.  Lleyton tentatively approches net on the next rally and pays the price, unable to handle a Ferrer backhand up the line, and it's 40-30, Hewitt still up a point in the match.  Ferrer powers two consecutive inside out forehands, the second for an outright winner, and Bjork doesn't know squat because it's deuce again. 

A sixth-stroke forehand Ferrerror into the net gives Hewitt game point.  A score panel shows that out on Court Seven, 9th-seeded Stan the Man Wawrinka is also tied in the fifth set in his match against 24th seed (but last year's 5th seed) Fernando "Gonzo" Gonzalez.  After fifteen strokes on the next rally, Hewitt decides to come in on a sharply struck backhand crosscourt; Ferrer's backhanded reply is also low and crosscourt; Hewitt digs a low backhand drop volley off his shoetops, but it sits up; Ferrer powers a backhand pass up the line but Lleyton guess right and digs a crosscourt half volley out of the dirt, but Ferrer is right there to put away a volley of his own, and we're really showing Bjork a thing or two about the existence of deuce round about now. 

Hewitt, undeterred, comes to net on the very next point, hitting an inside out forehand to Ferrer's backhand side, but the Spaniard is able to punch a flat ball down the line with just enough oomph that Lleyton can't quite steer his stretching forehand volley into the open court.  Avantage, Ferrer.  The French crowd gets the clap again.  Ferrer nets a first serve backhand return, and we'll squeeze my lemon 'til the deuce runs down the side.  The Australian puts away a forehand up the line, just barely clearing the net and landing short in the court, to gain an ad he can call his own.  Hewitt exclaims something - it sounds like it might be "C'mon" but I'm not quite sure what he exclaims on these occasions.  Perhaps it was "Bjork's wrong!"  Ferrer stands with his hands on his hips and an incredulous smile.  Hewitt wipes the smile off Ferrer's Spanish face with a big first serve that Da-VEED can't quite steer back into the court, and Lleyton leads 4-3.

So, I realize I've gone on and one about extraneous stuff more than usual, so now - exercising great restraint - I will inform you that Ferrer holds at 15 to tie up the final set at 4-apiece.  Gimelslob, always at his most tolerable when he's self-deprecating, announces that if he were in this match, he'd now be on his second round of cramping.  Good to know.  Lleyton goes up 40-15 on his next service game - he now leads the match by TWO points!  But Ferrer cuts that margin in half with a clean second service return winning forehand up the line for 40-30.  "Too good," says Hewitt.  A foot fault is called on Lleyton's next first serve.  "Jeeeeeeer," says the crowd.  "Whistle," they add thoughtfully.  Hewitt tries to pound the ball into Ferrer's backhand on the ensuing rally, but he barely overcooks the inside out forehand just wide, and it just got deuce in here.

The next point will surely haunt Hewitt's dreams: a big first serve up the middle yields a weak sitter of a reply from Ferrer; Lleyton drives the should-be putaway forehand crosscourt, but Ferrer guesses right and stabs a forehand up the line; Hewitt still has a good play on the ball but nets his drop volley attempt with the court wide open.  "OH!" Leif Shiras says by way of trenchant analysis.  In other news, Ferrer has a break point.  Where's Barry McKay when you need him?  Big Hewitt first serve wide, and bigger Hewitt forehand crosscourt winner erases the break.  "OHO!  Bigtime tennis!" Shiras concludes.  And I would do anything for deuce - but I won't do that.  Regardless, we're at deuce again.  And the clappiest of creatures in the whole wide world do their percussive hand thing. 

Hewitt should win the next point against most players simply by way of his excellent forehand, penetrating crosscourtwardly, but Ferrer doggedly tracks it down and rifles back his own crosscourt forehand - with interest, as they say.  Now Lleyton scrambles to track it down, and does so with a deft drop shot up the line.  Da-VEED comes from about 6.5 miles away (I counted 9 steps, anyway; he has large strides) to reach the ball with enough time to steer a winner up the line while Hewitt anticipates crosscourt.  Unreal.  Break point Ferrer.  Second serve.  A crosscourt backhand exchange ensues, but Lleyton is able to run around two consecutive shots and power them inside out with a bit more force, yielding a short ball and a forehand crosscourt putaway for the Aussie. 

And you can't hurry deuce - no, you'll just have to wait.  And deuce don't come easy, when it's a game of give and take.  Like this one is.  Ferrer shows why he led the ATP Tour in all important return game statistics last year by putting a Hewitt first serve back deep, cranking a ginormous forehand crosscourt, and then finishing the point with a backhand up the line behind a scrambling Hewitt.  Ferrer has his third break point.  Three hours and thirty minutes have elapsed in this match, making even this detailed write-up seem not so long.  Another crosscourt backhand rally ensues on point break, but Hewitt makes a critical error when he tries to redirect a backhand up the line, putting it in the net and giving Ferrer a crucial break.

The Spaniard serves for the match at 5-4.  Ferrer hits about 18 lines on the first point (okay, so it was just three, but still impressive!) for 15-0.  Hewitt forces a Ferrerror on the next point with a solid net approach for 15-all.  And he does it again on the next point for 15-30.  But the Aus-hole can't quite steer his next service return in court, floating it long for 30-all.  Ferrer dispenses with the formalities on the next point and bombs an ace up the middle.  40-30, match point.  And on the eighth ball on the next rally, Hewitt scoops a backhand slice up the line that just lands wide, and the Spaniard takes the match, smiling and pointing at his box, even though it's not polite and he isn't transgendered.  He wins by the final score of 6-2 3-6 3-6 6-3 6-4.  The password is: epic.

We quickly duck out to Court Two, where Fernando Gonzalez is himself trying to serve for a fifth set at 5-4 against Stanislas Wawrinka.  The Swiss slices a backhand service return wide and it's 15-0.  Stan the Man recovers on the next point with three consecutive Backhands of Loveliness, forcing a Gonzo error for 15-all.  A big Gonzo serve and a psychotic swinging forehand inside out volley gives the Chilean a 30-15 edge.  Gonzalez hits three of his trademarked Fernando forehandos, each producing a weaker reply until he swats the ball away for two match points at 40-15.  A ball boy lurks behind Stan, looking much like Haley Joel Osment.  And if he only sees dead (in the tournament) people, then he'll soon see Wawrinka, as Gonzo makes good on his second match point chance, hitting a Stan-like backhand of his own up the line for a clean winner, closing out the three hour encounter.  The password is: I'm-sure-it-was-epic-but-the-Tennis-Channel-only-showed-the-last-game-so-what-can-ya-do. 

Fernando moves through to the fourth round, taking the match 5-7 2-6 6-4 6-4 6-4.  He will meet the surprisingly still-alive American Robby Ginepri, tennis' answer to Rocky Balboa, in his next match, for a Gonzo/Italian Stallion showdown.  Stay tuned!

In more custodial, self-referencing matters, I've decided that this post is getting too long (and whose fault is that?) so I'll bring you the Battle of the Baldies under different cover.  Thank you for your kind patience and understanding.

UPDATE:  ARRRRGH - the dog ate my post!  And by "the dog", I mean wordpress.  Either way, it sounds dirtier than I intended.  Anyways.... not that you likely care, but sump'n happened where I simulatenously hit "select all" then "delete" then "save" and voila - my Battle of the Baldies article, she is no more!  At least, that what I *think* happened.  Perhaps they built my laptop on an ancient Indian burial ground - hell if I know.

Regardless, here's most of what I thought of the Baldies match anyway, as written by my porny blogtwin Tennisburger.

Some other quality stuff that was lost: I wrote that Annabel Medina Garrigues opened up a Kanepi and didn't like the smell (the 29th-seeded Spaniard lost to the unseeded Estonian 6-1 6-7 7-5.  Pee-eww!).  I made the obvious joke about Karin taking a Knapp in the second set of