It really just gets worse and worse.

That's your warning. *

--

Perhaps the reason why I'm anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed, and scared shitless is because I feel that I could lose greatly if I made a large amount of mistakes.

While I know that it would not be the end of the world, it would be a major setback.

Why did I go to school all these years?  To get a job... and to keep it/not get fired.

I couldn't wait to be done with school just so that I could work!

I'm a freakin' work-a-holic.

But for the first time -- I feel like it could slip beneath me, almost instantaneously.

There's a lot at stake.

I have this intense feeling that it's extremely easy to lose it.

The reason being because I'm not comfortable and confident in what I'm doing.

Yeah -- it takes time to learn, but from now until then -- is an excruciating period where I suffer from concern after concern.

I think too much.

I wear all my expressions on my face.

What I need to do is relax.

But to relax is -- to me, being careless.

I have trouble seeing the gray amidst black and white.

You either care or you don't.

You don't care -- less.

My work ethic is to care a whole lot so that what I do -- matters to me and benefits the firm.

When people tell me to relax, I can't... because I'm not sure how to do that.

I don't want to take a nonchalant attitude when I first start work.

I think it shows that I am not taking what I'm doing seriously.

And I would never want to give off that impression.

Perhaps when I'm comfortable doing the work that I do and have a close knit group of friends/co-workers, then can I find the gray and naturally -- relax (caring when it truly matters and having the work/life balance).

I know what this is.

This...I had at STCP (expectation...#9,130,048,088,309!).

But I fear that what I hope and expect for may be awhile.

In the meantime, I need to find ways to fool myself into relaxation.

Simply put, I work like this equation:

A + B = C

• A = Comfortable doing work
• B = Close knit group of co-worker friends
• C = Relaxation
• ...but I don't have any of those.

Instead, I can opt for something like this (less than ideal):

a + b = c

• a = makeshift_01
• b =makeshift_02
• c = forced relaxation (which helps alleviate stress and mistakes)

Right now, I feel like I have too much responsibility on my plate.  If I make a mistake, I'm the only one to take the blame.

It's a lot of pressure.

I don't want to be reprimanded.

I hate doing things incorrectly; I'm one of those that care.

I'm all about efficiency and precision.

I'm a perfectionist by nature.

And thus, I'm afraid of seeing myself fail.

That's the bottom line.

Failure -> Lack of self-confidence -> Hopeless.

I cannot ever feel hopeless in my job...

Because if I do, it means my skills aren't good enough, which means that when I'm trying my best, I'm still failing; meaning -- I can't do anything right.

So it all boils down to me being a failure in a huge aspect of my life.  One that I would pride myself in being pretty good at -- working.

If that day ever comes, I will probably drop off the face of this planet.

Expect that I will turn into a bitter, anti-social, hermit crab.

Sighs.

I've got nothing else.

I will get to peace within myself...somehow...one of the days.

He is me.  Not really.  But he represents some proximity of how I see the ideal fully actualized [dilettante] me.  I can be a serious writer, photographer, and intellect¹.  I can enjoy life and be happy, and I can do it alone.  I can, after 10 years of marriage and a child, leave².  I don't idealize him, but he has inspired me.  Ultimately he's just another being, but seeing how he has chosen and been able to live his life makes me realize that the life I feel compelled to live is indeed possible and worth pursuing. 

He is able to be serious about more than one thing without diminishing meaning or craftsmanship; thus, it must also be possible for me (or anyone willing).  In order to work with the raw creative spirit one must give themselves up to it.  That means a lot of other things get cut out of your life, and that is OK (at least for me).  And it will stay OK as long as I continue to find meaning in it and that it doesn't turn me into an absolute shit. I spent most of my semi-adult life trying to fit into that ideal that society lays out for us all:  love, marriage and children, but giving everything I am to it doesn't make it any more possible. That life is simply not meant for me.  And there isn't anything wrong with my path; it's just different.  I cannot help but infer a similar fate for him, and in doing so; it makes me feel less alone.

I keep projecting myself onto him.  When what I really need is to just do it.  End the marriage, and go embrace the poverty or loneliness or alienation along with the peace that may come with it.   I sometimes think that I might die alone, with no one at my bedside to hold my hand, or give a gentle kind word.  If it is to be, than so be it, I can no longer deny my nature.  I'd rather risk dieing alone, than sacrifice who I am for the mere speculation of everlasting love³.  Selfish?  Stupid?  Maybe both.  I guess I'll find out eventually. 

So Viggo has made me see that it is possible to live your life and be happy, and maybe find a place that facilitates all that you are passionate about.

On a final note, if there was any man or woman in my neighborhood with a similar trajectory I would be equally as curious.  But as it is, there isn't.  Regardless, I have to give him up as a role model (it's just too weird, invasive, presumptuous etc that I can get all types of pseudoinformation about him).  I'll just rely on myself. 

1.             Intellect used for lack of a better term - perhaps lifelong learner is less offensive.

2.             I do not know the details of Mr. Mortensen's life;   this is Googled speculation.

3.             The love a parent has for their child is the exception.

by John Caelan

The House of Representatives passed the bailout on Friday, 263-171, garnering fifty eight more votes in the affirmative than were captured in Monday's stunning defeat. Certainly without delay, the President will commit the act to law. Like the coroner's hand upon a death certificate, Bush's signature acknowledges the passing of our democracy. And only a scattered few are showing up for the funeral. The rest seem content to join the raging party across the hall, unaware that they attend their own wake.

There was a brief sense of exhilaration among the people as the House struck down the obscene $700 billion bailout bill earlier this week. Years of apparently futile activism were once again inflated with hope—the Congress does listen and they will represent us, we thought. Hundreds of thousands of calls, letters, emails, and faxes inundated Senate and House offices, so much so that they had to shut down the email servers—apparently, their junk mail filter was not efficient enough to sort out our annoying insistence that our opinions matter.

There was elation because we surprised them and we knew it. It was evident that they were shocked—they expected we the people to roll right over when they first presented this plan, but we did not. In fact, we recoiled and then attacked, as all living things tend to do when they sense an eminent threat. The Internet was alive with deep discussion and every day that slipped away without the bailout coming into fruition allowed more and more of the citizenry to educate their selves and each other as to the realities of our economy. Thousands of notable thinkers, economists, journalists, and business leaders warned us that the bailout was a scam, a clear and present coup, an enormous power grab, and an idea completely without merit as a viable financial plan for our country.

They were caught off guard. Their computer models didn't predict a popular uprising. Not yet—they know that's coming, they've prepared well for it, but it wasn't supposed to be last week. It wasn't supposed to occur until after they had fleeced the American people one more time. It makes them nervous, these would-be lords, when they cannot render us as binary creatures on a graph. For all of their data, we continue to defy them as complex beings, beyond their arrogant and narcissistic appraisal. We have not grown so used to the routine of non-options as they would have hoped.

Today, our optimism is diminished. You see, in truth, there are those who do hate America and what we stand for. They hate our free will, they hate our resistance to arbitrary authority, and they hate our insistence of self-determination. They hate that we have friends without agenda. They hate that we have love without bribery or gain. They hate that we don't hate each other, even with our many differences, and in spite of their best efforts to divide us. They hate that we won't be controlled. They hate that we won't follow their fear-mongering man-made clay-footed gods into the fiery abyss. They hate us for being random, for being creative, for being beautiful, sometimes in spite of ourselves. They hate us for being the breath of Providence, when they are merely the sigh of decay.

These people are not plotting against us in oversees bunkers. They are not hiding in hovels in the hills. They are not in Iraq, or in Afghanistan, or in Russia. No, they hide in the shadows right here in our own country, those shadows inevitably cast whenever freedom sees the light of day. They hide on Pennsylvania Avenue in buildings we own. They hide in the Treasury behind stacks of counterfeit bills. Apparently, they hide in Congress, behind hubris and hypocrisy. They hide right in front of us. They are the enemies domestic and the warnings of their subterfuge have accompanied their every action throughout the last century.

"Crises there will continue to be," President Eisenhower stated in his final speech of 1961. "In meeting them, whether foreign or domestic, great or small, there is a recurring temptation to feel that some spectacular and costly action could become the miraculous solution to all current difficulties."

And today, October 3, 2008, the enemies domestic cemented their coup via their 'miraculous solution'. In the face of overwhelming and undeniable popular dissent, they concluded that they knew better than us, once again. They have decimated the promise of our nation with one vote and somehow, for them, this is embraced as accomplishment.

Nothing changed from Monday to Friday, except the Senate, Caligula's' ever-faithful stable of horses' asses, threw some bones to the floor so the lesser-capitalists with regional sway would give their Representatives the nudge. Mix that effort in with some thinly veiled threats and the people's voice was easily dismissed. It's the same con—a $700 billion dollar sweetheart deal given to privileged agencies and corporations who cannot even give us proper accounting of their own businesses. They will use this money to sweep up the juicy remnants of competitors as they collapse one by one. What possibly would lead the American people to think that the likes of Goldman, Morgan, and Citi were in this to help stabilize their competition? This is the crescendo of the great shift of wealth from many to a few.

We are going to have a Greater Depression. It is simply an unavoidable fact and, instead of gearing up the innovative spirit of the American people by giving them a true assessment of our economic affairs, the oligarchy continues to mislead, redirect, and steal. The 'trickle-down' prosperity of the eighties ended up being nothing more than condensation on the sides of the pigs' troughs and even that is running dry.

We will expand our wars and try to solve this dilemma the same way as always, via the swollen military-industrial complex. Nothing stems unemployment like a big war. As we were distracted and urgently addressing the bailout crisis, the House quietly moved $600 billion towards the Defense war chest. That doesn't sound like an effort towards ending the conflicts. It certainly doesn't seem that Congress is anticipating change in the form of a new administration. They will crush dissent, our Army assigned to domestic missions, the police tight in the pocket of Homeland Security, and, one by one, everyone who does not agree will be targeted as unpatriotic and subdued. One by one they will be hunted, until they are all consumed by the unquenchable appetite of fascism.

A dark passage is now upon us and little on the horizon would indicate calm skies ahead. Our presidential candidates speak the same lines, frantically digging through thesauruses in the hopes that few will notice that they are saying the same things. Senator Obama promises us change, a tongue-in-cheek metaphor for coins dropped in a urine-stained hat, I have always guessed. McCain promises us change, like the abusive ex who beats you senseless nightly, then brings you a box of chocolates and a teary-eyed pledge towards better days.

Let me point out that we have had plenty of change in the last eight years. Our Constitution has been rendered anecdotal by executive orders, the Patriot Acts, and dozens of subversive policies that have the collective goal of subjecting all of us to the whims of an authoritarian regime. We've changed the way we educate our children, by choking off opportunity with deceitfully titled programs like No Child Left Behind, a warped elitist concept akin to weighing babies weekly and only feeding the fat ones. We changed our morals and concept of honor, by shrugging off the use of torture, imprisonment of the innocent, and the vile exploitation of weaker states. We've changed the structure of the Government by castrating Congress, empowering the executive beyond our founders' wildest nightmares, and corrupting the judiciary. We've changed a lot already. Maybe we need to un-change a few things first, before our candidates change us anymore.

The pundits keep telling us we need new ideas for this new century; that we do not know what tomorrow will bring. Let me tell you what tomorrow will bring if we continue on this path. Tomorrow will bring yesterday, the echo of a hundred empires that have come and gone before us. You want to see the future? Pick up a history book. The timeless reprise of tyranny, as always, is easy to identify. It is always accompanied by death, suffering, and the dark cloak of angry greed. That's the fruit that such tyranny bears.

We can resuscitate our nation. We can bring it back from the brink, even now. But this will require us to stand together, suspending mutual prejudice and our own pursuits of the utopist dreams (it's only utopia to you--that's the whole problem with trying to force utopia on others). We must stop parroting the scripts they prepare for us and realize that few of these public servants serve us. We have to stop letting them herd our dissent into organizations they control. We have to stop assuming the options they present are the only options, especially when it comes to our elected officials. We must remember why we believe in our nation and why we believe in each other. The mind of our nation is ever-changing and diverse; but the heart of our nation is constant: it beats for true freedom, for true hope, for true equality, and we keep making slow steps forward towards that end.

Until today. Today, we were stopped cold in that pursuit. Today, our lives were indentured under the yoke of massive debt, our liberties were signed away in a frenzy of fear and corruption, and our happiness has been redefined as a credit score.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…let us drink to the fallen nation.

johncaelan.blogspot.com

John Caelan is a writer and singer/songwriter based in Venice Beach, California. A member of the band 'quebb', John has been involved in activist causes for years, performing primarily protest music from coast to coast during the last few years.

http://www.opednews.com/articles/Eulogy-for-a-Nation--The-by-John-Caelan-081003-518.html

There's uncertainty in the air.

It's the end of week three.  To recap, my first week of work -- so strange to not say 'school' -- I worked on self-studies, ethics and compliance, and independence training.  The second week I attended training in Atlanta for a debriefing of higher level concepts and networking.  This past week I started my first engagement in SF.

There's something amidst the confusion and chaos of not knowing what to do that allows me to break free from everything I ever was.  I haven't kept track of my finances since I started (I used to know where every penny went.  Little time to do so these days), I've stopped using the Internet as much as I used to, which means I've just replaced it with catching up on TV shows for more mind-numbing entertainment, haven't made an effort to exercise, which for the first time, I'm really getting fat (120lbs border-line-overweight-for-my-height) and to top it all off, I keep eating because I'm stressed out.

Butttttttt... after this noobish period has ended, I will be something quite different.  I don't know whether I'll return to my usual self (perhaps just a little bit), or what the future holds in regards to my personality and quirks.

This transitioning period may lead to something unfamiliar -- and I can't wait (there goes my impatience, as usual).

Currently, my focus is on my relationships and social interactions.  Although, when it comes to having to do work -- I tend to lose that focus and become maniac-listen-learner.  Nodding of the head, uh-huhs, Okays, and crapload of questions.  It's like a switch turns on and all I can do is take in information and process it.

Like I had mentioned in a previous post, all I need is someone to sit down with me and explain why I'm doing what I'm doing, and to show me the bigger picture so that I can ask detailed questions -- so that I can understand higher level concepts.  Today, I had confirmation that all I needed was just that.  I asked a few people to sit down with me to explain a little bit of this and that...and I felt much better.

So I've come to realize that I need to really reach out.  This is something I have no problem doing, except when I'm separated by distance, like in my current predicament.  I don't have a method for doing this.  I don't know the etiquette.  I don't know what is appropriate.  This is the ultimate challenge.  But the more that I do it, the more that I can receive the guidance I'm looking for -- the kind of guidance that will allow me to learn quicker.

Other discouraging factors = everyone is so god damn busy and not directly reporting to anyone is unfamiliar and challenging.

There's a lot about the firm that requires me to switch my way of handling situations because people seem to work side-by-side as opposed to top-down.  Whether a person is an associate, senior manager, director, or partner, everyone treats everyone equally (strange concept), at least from what I have encountered... There isn't a "do-this" type of thing going on.  Although, I'm still constantly looking for approval and confirmation that I'm on the "right track."  But I think this is more of direction and guidance than having an explicit role defined.

In any case, today I gained a better understanding of what I'm doing on this engagement -- not so much what is expected of me --  but rather the line of work.  Of course, it all revolves around money, but more specifically, attempting to prevent fraud by checking IT controls and access.  That's the nutshell version.

I already know that this is something that doesn't make me say "w00t," nor will make me feel fulfilled as a being.  While there are many out there that probably get a kick out of preventing fraud, it just doesn't spark a fire for me.

It's not humanitarian enough.

This line of work encompasses money, material items, and business.  I have absolutely no interest in these things.  These things are things that I want to be free from.  All these stupid, tangible things that just-so-happen to make the world go round.  Rawr.

But that aside, I'm not concerned about how meaningless it is to me right now because this is the time for me to learn and to gain a ton of experience in something new.  And I'm all for that.

I like seeing myself grow.

I like noticeable changes.

And that satisfies me -- for now.

So to answer my original question -- I'm doing what I am doing so that I have other opportunities in the future.  So that I can find something really fulfilling and meaningful.  And I don't mind it too much because there's no routine yet.  Every day is a surprise and challenge.

These are good things.

These are the only things that excuse me being not as happy as I would like to be.

There's calm after the storm.

I have to pay my dues before I can be comfortable.

I have to work hard before I am rewarded.

Right now, I have to be okay with not having a smile on my face at the end of the day.

But I will say, that by next year, it better be different.

We all have a point where we say enough is enough.

And I am setting my expectations today...

So I take back a statement I made in a previous post -- where I said that it's better to have no expectations...

Everyone needs expectations.

Everyone needs standards.

Absolute Truth: Everyone needs to put their foot down every once in awhile so that they don't lose sight of what is important to them.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Life without liberty isn't living; and how much liberty do we really have anymore? Our cellphones can be listened to without our consent or knowledge, or even with judicial oversight or reason. Your emails. text messages, are read (after all, when has our government refused to abuse any privilige it has granted itself?). If you have OnStar you can be listened to without your knowledge, consent, or with prior cause. If you have a home security system, prepare to have your privacy invaded.

In the name of the Old Testament Christians, the ones who only understand hate, we have laws against the freedom to ingest into our body unapproved substances. Laws dictating what you may digest or similarly consume is a grevious blasphemy against liberty. No free nation would have laws prohibiting anyone from performing an act in which the only person harmed is the person comitting the act. You know, victimless crimes. Consensual crimes. Crimes such as prostitution, (certain) drug prohibitions, BASE jumping, etc., the list goes on and on. These laws should all be abolished in a free society. But, we aren't that free are we.

Without liberty, how can you pursue your happiness? While government shouldn't grant you happiness, it should at least get the hell out of our way.  Yea, I smoke weed. You have a beer. Johnny's got smack. Suzie has a cigarette. Which one's kill the most people? Which ones are legal? But you consent to these laws. Why, because we've all been raised to be pussies. But, pussies are for fucking, you say.  And boy does the government fuck us each and every one. Hope that makes you happy.

Our government has, at each and every available opportunity in it's history, lept for power like a crack-head for a rock. Power over us. Despot type powers. Oh yeah, Big Brother was here long before 1984. Only now, the coke smuggling, gun running financed intelligence branches, (c'mon, don't you remember what the whole Iran-Contra: Money for drugs for guns thing with North and Reagan and all the rest of that periods bastards publically admitted. So don't tell me the CIA isn't the best terrorist organization.) have gotten much better with technology to become even more of a dictator than even Hitler.

Oh yeah, we are such a free country that we have a "president" who believes that not only should the citizens have no right to review his "war on freedom" but no judge should look it over either. I say Bush is for fucking. And he has profited mightily from the fucking as well. There have been so many instances where that asshole has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar by making legislation that enriches him and his friends wealthier, and you poorer, that it truly boggles the mind. Gee, what does this asshole have to hide. My guess is one huge, smell pile of shit. Hey, if I've learned one thing in life, it's that when you see an asshole, shit ain't far away. And he's one giant fucking asshole.

The "Patriot Act" wasn't very patriotic, was it? Not when you look at the very first topic I covered in this wonderful definition of a free world; The Declaration of Independence.  Legislation which allows for widespread abuse of wiretapping; not for the supposed terrorists, but for drug dealers. You know, the ones that threaten our governmental drug cartel, or else the ones that aren't white and priviliged. "The Military Commissions Act of 2006", the proper name of the "Anti-terror bill",  provided for legalized torture, the abolishment of Habeus Corpus, the building of concentration camps; all the lovely niceties of a Nazi America.  I though my grand-dad had helped whup their asses, but I guess the media mislead us there as well.

I didn't read the "Patriot Act". I was still too brainwashed to concern myself with such investigations, but I did read "The Military Commissions Act of 2006", and I was appalled. It was horrible legislation that was reminiscent of the Nazi Germany I had read of in History. It conferred all powers to George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld and their persoanl appointees. Nothing vague about it. It was a legislative coup against the people of the United States. And we didn't even put up a fight. We cheered our defeat as a victory for freedom. Freedom to do what? Be a good lil bitch for those traitors. Give me a break.

Rev. Jim Lunsford

First Cannabist Church

Vote for yourself this election

And now I am one of them, without trying.

I wear it because I have to.

And I'm not gonna lie, I kind of like it.

Butttttt... I think dressing the part really shapes the role that I must take on.

I don't enjoy being exhausted by 7pm, feeling like I've barely made a dent in anything, yet -- I really have.

And then there's the part of the job where I feel like I could get everything done if I just knew how to accomplish it.  I'm lacking the skill set and experience.

I'm not comfortable being a noob in my job.

It frustrates me that I feel like I could progress faster if I just had the right human resource at hand.

Give me one person that's willing to answer all my questions.  Just one.

I want to learn everything --

Now.

For the next couple of weeks I get to be immersed in the San Francisco culture.

I find it ironic that the three engagements I will be working on 'till mid January are mainly in SF and North Bay, because... I specifically chose the SVO as my base so that I would be working on engagements in the South Bay. Rawr.

Anyway, commute will be fun, I'm sure.

Sighs.

Time for bed.

My main problem is I hate dealing with the guards at night. Their constant checking in every half hour or more drives me insane. Have nine of them plus three officers so that is a heck of a lot of radio traffic that seems unnecessary to me. Half the time the guards are moving from one building to another not 20 feet away yet each time they walk that 20 feet, they call it in.

Why can't the night guards be like the art museum guards that are on during the day? They have their own channel to talk to each other on and don't bother us unless they have an emergency. I know, they are all in the museum, not out moving around in the dark - still, having the night guards check in every 30 minutes is frighteningly obnoxious. It makes me not like the guards even though I know they are only doing their job.

I don't know what hours I would switch to - they have a 1-11pm shift four days a week (Wed-Sat) or the daytime equivalent of what I'm doing now will become available in January. That would be 7am-7pm Sat and Sun - then 11am-7pm on Monday and Tuesday. I just don't see myself liking that shift at all though. The first one might not be that bad though. I'd avoid the guards and the night person who is so negative.

There will be a 7pm-3am shift available at some point in the future that will run Tues-Sat but I can't see myself working that one either. Guess there is really no shift I'd be 100% happy on - except for the 3-11pm shift that I worked in Sarasota. That schedule seems to fit my life the best for some reason.

I guess that is because I got off at 11pm - stayed up till 1am and slept in till 8 am which got me up in time to walk Baxter before it got too hot. I'd get errands ran through the rest of the morning and then be back at work at 10:45am if it was my 12 hour day or 2:45 on my 8 hr days for briefing.

Now I get off at 7 or 3 am, depending on which day it is, go to bed around 9 or 5am and sleep until between 2 and 3pm. During the summer that time is too hot to walk Baxter and Bennie because they overheat easily.

Oh well - it is what it is and complaining about it doesn't do any good.  Besides, I'm not sure if I'm tired all the time from my schedule or from being so anemic.  Maybe once I have that taken care of via whatever procedure my doctor prescribes on Friday, then I'll have more energy and won't mind the shift.

I never have a problem doing that -- except today was different.

Without going into much detail, it was my first day on an engagement.

I needed to ask questions, but felt like I couldn't.

I didn't want to appear noobish, even though everyone knows I am.

I didn't want to appear dumb, even though I ask dumb questions all the time.

I didn't want to be judged.

--

I'm suffering from a complex.

I just need to get over all the reasons why I can't ask questions.

But on top of that, I am a one-person team (for reasons not going to be explained here).

And I feel that I don't have adequate resources and enough experience to be a one-person team.

--

I don't mind the work that I will be doing,

I just don't feel like I have an agenda,

a game plan,

a clear direction of where I'm going.

And it scares me so much --

because I don't want to eff up.

--

I hate making mistakes that can be prevented.

I feel like they can be prevented if I can just ask the right questions.

--

I feel like I don't have enough time in the day to work.

I don't even have time to have a work-life balance.

I get up at 7 and get back at 7 -- and next week I'll be working longer hours.

And I'm going to do everything it takes,

until I get up to speed.

--

But until then, my body is going to undergo a massive attack of stress.

The same kind as feeling heart-broken.

It hurts...

And there is no relief.

--

I want to clench onto something or someone for support.

I find that I cannot reach out to even those who are close to me.

They just won't do.

I am alone in this.

Because only I can shape what happens.

--

I don't want to be done with my days feeling jaded.

I don't want to be one of those rushing down the BART stairs to catch the next train.

I don't want to get home everyday, just to hop on the computer to send off emails that I never got around to at work.  Hell, I don't even have time to check my regular email.

I have a million-and-one things on two different "To Do" lists which continue to grow exponentially.

I'm doing my best to remain organized amidst the chaos that-is-my-work-life, but I am fraught with anxiety.

I hate it.

I hate being impatient.

I hate being concerned about everything.

--

I got home today feeling beaten up,

wanting to give up --

out of my own defeat

of uncertainty, doubt, and fear.

--

I hope that tomorrow will shine a brighter forecast for the next few weeks.

I heard the bathroom door shut which probably means the Lt is on his way up to give me a break.  I could maybe go to McDonald's for something to eat...I wonder how late they stay open on a Sunday night? Probably not this late.

Later...he did come and offer me a break but I decided to just run to the restroom & to get a cupcake from the breakroom.  If I'm starving when I get off work than I'll either hit Burger King on my way home or make breakfast once I get home...probably the former rather than the latter because I'll be tired.

I know, I could have taken a break now but I don't have anything to do so why waste his time and mine? Yeah, I know - to get away from the desk for awhile to feel more refreshed...whatever.  It didn't seem important and I didn't feel like going over to see if McDonalds was open.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Dear Friends,

Whenever a Great Bipartisan Consensus is announced, and a compliant media assures everyone that the wondrous actions of our wise leaders are being taken for our own good, you can know with absolute certainty that disaster is about to strike.

The events of the past week are no exception.

The bailout package that is about to be rammed down Congress' throat is not just economically foolish.  It is downright sinister.  It makes a mockery of our Constitution, which our leaders should never again bother pretending is still in effect.  It promises the American people a never-ending nightmare of ever-greater debt liabilities they will have to shoulder.  Two weeks ago, financial analyst Jim Rogers said the bailout of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac made America more communist than China!  "This is welfare for the rich," he said. "This is socialism for the rich. It's bailing out the financiers, the banks, the Wall Streeters."

That describes the current bailout package to a T.  And we're being told it's unavoidable.

The claim that the market caused all this is so staggeringly foolish that only politicians and the media could pretend to believe it.  But that has become the conventional wisdom, with the desired result that those responsible for the credit bubble and its predictable consequences - predictable, that is, to those who understand sound, Austrian economics - are being let off the hook.  The Federal Reserve System is actually positioning itself as the savior, rather than the culprit, in this mess!

•    The Treasury Secretary is authorized to purchase up to $700 billion in mortgage-related assets at any one time.  That means $700 billion is only the very beginning of what will hit us.

•    Financial institutions are "designated as financial agents of the Government."  This is the New Deal to end all New Deals.

•    Then there's this: "Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency."  Translation: the Secretary can buy up whatever junk debt he wants to, burden the American people with it, and be subject to no one in the process.

There goes your country.

Even some so-called free-market economists are calling all this "sadly necessary."  Sad, yes.  Necessary?  Don't make me laugh.

Our one-party system is complicit in yet another crime against the American people.  The two major party candidates for president themselves initially indicated their strong support for bailouts of this kind - another example of the big choice we're supposedly presented with this November: yes or yes.  Now, with a backlash brewing, they're not quite sure what their views are.  A sad display, really.

Although the present bailout package is almost certainly not the end of the political atrocities we'll witness in connection with the crisis, time is short.  Congress may vote as soon as tomorrow.  With a Rasmussen poll finding support for the bailout at an anemic seven percent, some members of Congress are afraid to vote for it.  Call them!  Let them hear from you!  Tell them you will never vote for anyone who supports this atrocity.

The issue boils down to this: do we care about freedom?  Do we care about responsibility and accountability?  Do we care that our government and media have been bought and paid for?  Do we care that average Americans are about to be looted in order to subsidize the fattest of cats on Wall Street and in government?  Do we care?

When the chips are down, will we stand up and fight, even if it means standing up against every stripe of fashionable opinion in politics and the media?

Times like these have a way of telling us what kind of a people we are, and what kind of country we shall be.

In liberty,

Ron Paul

All human beings, born and unborn, have a fundamental right to life. 

When we speak of being “pro-life” we are restating one of the most famous phrases in the United States Declaration of Independence.  It reads as follows:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.  That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government ….”

The founding Fathers wrote in the Declaration “that to secure these rights” (among which “are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”) “Governments are instituted among Men.”  Government, we are told in this precious document, must exercise “just powers” (derived “from the consent of the governed”) which must protect  these “unalienable rights.”  When any “Form of Government becomes destructive to these ends”, (protecting these “unalienable rights” of “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”) it is the “Right of the People to alter or to abolish” that “Form of Government.”

Because Life is the fundamental right given us by our Creator, pro-death or pro-abortion  laws, which our government promotes and sanctions, are an exercise of unjust power.  It is the right of the people to alter or abolish any form of government that becomes the very destroyer of these basic human rights:  especially the right to life.

We must understand this in the most simple and basic of ways to keep from being embroiled in the confusion of arguments that ignore the basic premise of all other rights:  life.  The founding Fathers understood the importance of the intrinsic dignity of the human person as a creature created in the image of God.  The right to life is the moral claim that a person has to exist.  Since people are “endowed by their Creator” with the right to life it cannot be taken by the whim of human “choice” because it is an “unalienable right” [a right from which one cannot be alienated or separated].  Even the order of these unalienable rights in the Declaration were intended to prioritize their importance. 

Life … Liberty … pursuit of Happines. 

One cannot have the “Liberty” to pursue his own “Happiness” if one is dead.  Life precedes Liberty because the right to liberty has no meaning apart from the right to life.  The pursuit of happiness follows liberty because one cannot pursue anything if he has not the liberty to do so. 

Our culture of death today has it all turned around.  They speak of “liberty” first and whatever is best for me and makes me happy next.  Life?  Ah, it’s dispensable.  Abort the child.   In this twisted thinking, freedom is the most important of human rights; life comes last.  Clinical abortion, the destruction of infants in their mothers’ wombs, violates the foundational right of all other rights: the right to life.  But liberty and pursuit of personal happiness without life is ludicrous.  Without the right to life, all other rights are meaningless.    

The existence of the “right” to totally unrestricted abortion, as exists in our culture today, is an malevolent evil to which our culture, for the most part, is now totally desensitized.  It is plenary evidence to the seared conscience of a nation, and world, that has abandoned reason at the altar of convenience and is confused about what really matters.  

Abortion is the most pressing human rights issue of our time.  A nation or people who cannot, or will not, roll back this unjust power over the unborn will not long endure.  Divine judgment is inevitable. 

We need to petition All Mighty God for a government and elected leaders that protect the right to life.  If we don’t have it, let us exercise our right to vote and to “alter and abolish that form of Government” that has become destructive to securing the right to Life for the most frail among us: the unborn.

God grant us mercy and grace to see politicians, who are enamored and passionate about the killing of the unborn, retired from public "service", and the scourge of abortion removed from our land in our lifetime.

‘til next time,

Danny

Original by Craig R. Smith

The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right?

The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the president. In essence 2/3s of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.

So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What we are so unhappy about?''

Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?

Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? I guess
having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.

Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?

The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?

Think about it ... are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.

Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a "general" discharge, an "other than honorable" discharge or, worst case scenario, a "dishonorable" discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way ... Insane!

Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.

We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.

Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.

Do we expect people, places, and things to make us happy?  Do we spend far too much time chasing after them, only to be disappointed when we catch them?  Yet again...

Perhaps if we stopped chasing and started appreciating what we have today, we would be less restless, irritable, and discontented.

NOTE: Mangled original quote...fixed now.

I have to say, Chinese food is better here than in Florida.  Sweet and Sour in Florida does not have any veggies which I think is so ridiculous.  Here it includes all kinds of veggies plus actual pineapple.

My craving is for Beef and Broccoli though so will probably go for that if I'm still craving it tomorrow.  Tonight I brought Broccoli and Cheese soup so will at least enjoy that.

Thailand is the perfect country to explore on any budget. It's reputation for being backpacker friendly is undeniable, but for those of you with a Five Star budget, an adventure of the highest order and quality also awaits.

Thailand has a warm, tropical climate all year long. In conclusion, the Kingdom of Thailand remains one of the most attractive places in the world to visit , conduct business, or retire and pursue happiness on earth.

grounding = element bwat menyalurkan sengatan petir agar listrik berkekuatan besar itu ga ngerusak perangkat.

item grounding itu macem : grounding cable, grounding kit, busbar, ringbar.

nah yang biasa ilang tuh, grounding2 yang terbuat dari tembaga. mungkin ini ga ada hubungannya sama servis BTS. tapi musim ujan kan bentar lagi,,, bikin engineer jd keder :P lha iya,, klo tiba2 jegeeerrr,, om zeus milih bts yg groundingnya pada ilang,,, apa ga gosong smua tuh perangkat :P hehehehe,,,

tapi serba salah juga sih,, klo kita ganti dengan grounding yg sama (grounding tembaga),, ya sama aja kasi makan kucing, besok pasti ilang lagi,,, mungkin saat ini cara terbaik adalah diganti dengan elemen yg murah yaitu aluminium,, nah biar malingnya insaf... hehehe,,

klo bahasa dan isi dari tulisan ini ada yg salah, gw mohon maaf dan minta koreksinya :) trimakasih

However, today was a different day.  I got a more thorough understanding of the different departments, people of contact, and things I should be doing now, in two weeks, in 6 months, in a year, etcetera.  I was also provided a link to a "To Do" / Checklist.  And everyone knows I'm all about planning, so this was a great excitement!  :P

The senior on-boarding associate in the SF office was a great, fast-talker that explained in great detail.  She gave a great presentation, despite all the information she was throwing at us -- being sure that she told us what we were going to learn, and giving us breaks as necessary.  And despite sitting for most of the day, I feel like I've come away with much less confusion than I walked away from work yesterday.

I'm trying to figure out how to make time to relax and do things when I get off work.  But all I seem to really want to do is chug through all the shit that needs to get done.  I get really distracted in the office with all the stimulating people around me.  I think that I will just have to allow work to merge with my personal life for now, so that I can really focus on being exceptionally industrious.

So, I'm going to go log onto my work laptop now and start getting things done.

I'll figure out how to balance my life after I've gotten in my extreme work-aholic-ism.

• candles in jars
• a wet shower curtain near my skin
• things that are "high & tight"
• desperation
• carpet
• hood ornaments
• cancer
• disregard for culture
• french onion dip with bacon
• too much time on the hand
• text message conversations
[it's called 'messaging' not 'conversing']
• not knowing when to let go

okay, that's it for now. it's hard to come up with things to not love because I start thinking about the things I hate which only makes me mad. I'm sure that's what happened in the last two bullet points.

***white bubble*white bubble*make it float away*white bubble***

thank you. I feel much better now that's off my chest.

Mr.D's in SoDo is neither loved nor not loved.. Stay tuned for indifferent.

Is is odd that this is happening at 34? Isn't this something that happens when you hit the pivotal 21's...even the 25's... I have spent the last few years looking at this new found "love for crazy" as if I were reliving a youth I missed out on, but the epiphany has struck like a jager shot -  I am living the life that only as a woman, who is trying to make choices, trying to see the infinite wisdom I have gained as if it were a bullet-proof jacket for life, and the pursuit of happiness.

I still feel as though I am living in reality, but am forcing myself to see this reality as part of the adventure. I have made choices to let go of people who only bring me down, to embrace, inspire, challenge those that boost me up. To try to not let fear drive me like a scared teenager in a driver's ed class. Take the good with the bad. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.