It would be a lie. He hasn't laughed enough, and I'll cry for the laugh I won't hear again, and for the smile I won't see again. I'll never feel his lips on mine, or listen to him sing me our special song... I'll never feel safe in his arms again. Maybe I'll never feel safe at all. I know I'm not alone. Kate is strong, but she's crying tonight, too. So are Sam, and Rebecca, and Jenny waiting for him on the other side is crying, too. So are people I've never even met and people I probably never will. And far too soon, Chelsea will be crying with us. I know now why he didn't want to tell her. I don't want to tell her either, and he loves her so much more than I ever could.

He said that we shouldn't cry for him. That we should cry for the world that's losing him. Maybe this is what he meant... I cry for him, but I also cry for Kate, and for Chelsea, and Janie, and Siren, and Bee... and I cry for me, too. I know most of his friends are atheists. At least his online friends, the ones who will read this. Most of you believe what he did. Maybe even now, the part of him we knew as Rystefn is gone forever, and only the shell remains. Maybe there's nothing left but our memories, or what is left will be gone so very soon. I can only imagine how much worse it must be for you. The only thing that's keeping me sane now is the thought of us being together again eventually.

I think I'd like to make a request tonight. As soon as you read this - wherever you are, whatever you're doing, tell someone you love them. Even if you just said it. You never know when it will be the last time, and when it is, you won't feel like you said it enough times. Trust me.

Regrets

Writing about regrets can help you understand the circumstances that led to the regret and hopefully provide you with some insight. Regrets are inevitable but take some comfort in knowing that we've all made some major blunders in our life, so you're not alone.

In his book No Regrets, Dr. Hamilton Beazley, lists 10 steps to letting go of regrets and the very first step is to write them down.

Exercise: In your ethical will notebook, find a blank page and at the top write the heading "Regrets". As you look back on your life make a list of your regrets. Don't worry if some are seemingly insignificant - put them down anyway. For example, one of my regrets is that I never learned to swim. Now this isn't huge and if I really wanted to, I could enroll in a swimming class for adults. What's important is that you just begin the process of listing regrets.

Look at your list and select one or two regrets that you consider to be significant. Write about this regret and what you've learned and attempt to put it in some perspective. As an example, in my ethical will I wrote,

One of my regrets in life is that I never pursued my belief that I had the potential to be a television or radio host. I'm a natural in front of an audience and my publicity appearances on TV and radio have always been fun. I loved the energy involved. What I know though is that had I pursued that avenue so many other doors would have been closed. I would never have made the films I have and most likely wouldn't be a personal historian, something I truly love. Besides, if I still have the "bug" I can find avenues to satisfy my interest. Who knows, maybe I'll host a Community Radio or Television program on "Life after 50."

Achievements

The Miriam-Webster Dictionary defines achievement as a result gained by effort. The result can be big or small. It's the effort that counts. What I want you to consider in this section are your achievements. Our lives may have been filled with prominent achievements or unheralded ones. This is an opportunity to write about what you consider important. My mother believed her main achievements were running a well organized home, being a loving wife and mother and producing the best pastries in the neighborhood.

Exercise:Turn to another blank page in your notebook and write the heading, "Achievements." To help you reflect on your most important achievements, try answering this question. If you were to be honored for one thing in your life, what would it be? Another way of looking at achievements is to look at what you hope your obituary will one day say about you.

Hopes

One of my favorite quotes about hope is by American writer Barbara Kingsolver. "The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope.”

Exercise: Find a blank page in your ethical will notebook and at the top write, "Hopes." What is it that you hope for? How have you lived inside your hope? What do you hope for your loved ones?

Some books you might find helpful:

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda: Overcoming Regrets, Mistakes, and Missed Opportunities

Finding Hope: Ways to See Life in a Brighter Light

Maximum Achievement: Strategies and Skills That Will Unlock Your Hidden Powers to Succeed

Next week the conclusion of our Ethical Will series, Part Seven ~ Putting It All Together

Photo by woodleywonderworks

But, yesterday.

I did something really stupid. Something that shows that, Yes, I'm still human after gastric bypass. This is not easy. Sometimes, we slip. Every now and then I want a piece of cake! And it'll be OK! Because it's Reduced Sugar Cake! So, let's eat it for lunch! Okay!

So, I did. For lunch. I ate a piece of reduced sugar cake. And? Nothing else. Two hours later (a little slow on the uptake, I'll admit), a big flash of light blurred my vision. And when I closed my eyes it didn't go away. After a minute, it passed. And then, I felt the need to just...fall over. And I started shaking. And sweating through my clothes. Sweat rolling down my face. I felt like death warmed over, bathing in a pool of cold sweat.

I have NO idea what it was exactly. I mean, yeah, I KNOW it was because I ate cake for a meal that had sugar alcohol in it; but normally? The stuff doesn't phase me. It was stupidity on my part, not eating something "solid" with a TINY piece of cake until the urge passed. I know it was my fault. But I am human, like I said. And humans are prone to error. Doesn't make it any less scary.

Sometimes it's just a little aggravating, because people that are on diets...they can eat a piece of cake or whatever and then feel the guilt and move on. Me? I feel like I'm dying. It puts me out for the rest of the day, well into the next.

So, yes. The easy way out. I can eat cake and still be thin! How easy. Now, I'm going to go take a nap because my sugar levels are so effed, and my head feels like it's been opened up and swirled around with a stick.

It's so easy that, here I am, 14 months out, still learning new ways of being a screw-up who needs to follow the rules to a T without serious regret.

Chorus:
Tatlong araw lang pala
Ako naging maligaya
Hindi ko man lang napuna
Tatlong araw ko'y tapos na

Araw ng kalokohan aking kinagalakan
Hindi ko man lang nalaman na ako'y masusugatan
Hindi ako makapaniwala at ako'y natulala
Lumulubog lumalala ngunit bat biglang nawala

(repeat chorus)

Tatlong araw naging masaya isang taong lumuluha
Bakit mo kya nagawa bakit ka hindi naawa
Ngunit kung mapagbibigyan ang patalim ay hahawakan
Kahit na magmukhang timang basta magkabalikan

(repeat chorus)

Chorus 2:
Tatlong araw lang pala ako naging maligaya
Bakit hindi ginawang lima tatlong araw ko'y tapos na

Coda:
Tatlong araw(5x)

(in case the video doesn't show up. I have provided a link --> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xb4DvHS91jg)

Just read and listen to the lyrics of the song so that you will know the idea of what this song really implies.

Here's the boring part. :)

I can really say to other people that I am a music-minded guy. I love to hear my favorite songs everyday. When I go "emotional", I usually wanted to spend time just having sounds on my ears and not hearing the noise outside. I don't know about you how you release your emotional stress but as for me, this is really helpful and I've been doing this for a long time.

Before I decided to file a resignation at Vanilla Networks, I have this plans to treat for myself. I've been working for how many years without a single penny save for myself. One of the things I planned is to buy myself an mp3 player that I could listen especially when I'll be at the lowest point of my life. I have also told my close friends about these thougths and one of them told me to "set the plan aside" because there are still important things I need to do with the money I'll be receiving soon in my new job that I'll be working. On my thought, she was right. She was difinitely right. Why spend money with this one when there are still more important things to attend to. On the other hand, I can't really help myself being excited that there will be great chances that I can somehow buy myself an mp3 player.

Well, the result? For sure, my friends suggestions were taken into considerations but my "want to buy it" prevailed. In fact, I can say that I deserved this thing that I bought. I know I can buy an mp3 player for less than 1,000 pesos but I chosed to buy an iPod Nano (3rd Generation). Well, it's second hand but at least. I went to iStore and inquire their prices for this stuff and told me that it costs 7,000+ though Apple stopped it's manufacturing on this iPod Nano version. "It's worth it!", I said to myself. Why? I bought this for just 4,500 pesos. Too excited that I even loaded the songs I like directly when I got home and caused my iPod Nano to hang-up. I didn't know that I still need to install iTunes before connectimg it to my computer. Devastated I am but there's nothing I could do but to wait until the battery will be drained out and charge it again.

Well, the connection of the song from Parokya ni Edgar is... everyday we are uncertain how many days or hours or minutes or seconds we still have to do the things we want. If we won't work out on it, this may brought us into the brink of regretting those time that we have the chance to change those uncertain uncertainties. Good for me that before I realized I have done such wonderful things to myself. I bring my iPod everyday and hear the songs I like everyday. I bought this and not having any doubts or thinking about what might be more important things to do with the money I have spent for this iPod. This is much better than to come to a point where that money was gone and spent for useless things. Good for me that I have done that deed first before realizing it was a perfect decision. To your left is the image of my iPod I have right now.

This blog isn't about boasting my iPod or about dragging you to believe me that I have made the right decision at that time. This is about how we should think about simple things and little things that come through our lives. Even how small or how less important it is. Others might just come our way and never realized it until now. This is not only about material things but this goes also to the people who we met or a small event that we have encountered or witnessed. Life is really full of uncertainties. Others may hold into prayers or destinies or whatever beliefs they have. There's nothing wrong with it. It's what they think it is the best way for their lives and they are happy with it. It's not everyday that we come across a happy life. Tomorrow might be an end to your sanity. But at least, you have done  things that made you smile yesterday. Grab every opportunity. Everything will just fall into pieces. We don't have to worry.

Cheers!

This is also another story I want to share. There was one time that my friend asked me, “What if he comes knocking to your door and ask for an apology?” There was a silence in my heart and I begin to think of how he managed to give a bruise and all those physical wounds to my mother. “Then he should ask his forgiveness to the ladies who owned my heart and life”, I quickly answered. At that time, I was referring to my mother and my two sisters.

Do you think I hate him so much for leaving us? Partly yes and partly no. wonder? Well, yes I hate him because he has turned our life this way and brought my mother and two sisters in vast pain that I don’t even know if the wounds would still be healed. And no, I don’t hate him because I became this kind of man.

Do you think I hate him so much for leaving us? Partly yes and partly no.

I haven’t seen my father played basketball when I was young but I can’t hardly find a reason why he’s being imported by other teams. ( I hope you get the point ). Like the father in the movie Road to Perdition, he’s letting his son get away from the hell he’s been living. And that is how I see my situation and by not hating him partly. I just want to hate him for creating scars in the life of my ladies and not hating him so much for what I became today. His life is in vast mess and gradually he left us completely. He maybe left a little question in me but totally thanked him.

I graduated in High School without even knowing what’s in store for me. He gave me the strength and surpass the cruelty of the world. He gave me the wisdom to understand the nature of this world. He gave me the maturity in the early of stage of my life. I was able to step in college without even spending a single centavo for my tuition fees. I was already contented with the money my mother gave me for the jeepney fare. I spend my college years as a working student in school in exchange for a free tuition. I get to know some friends and get to learn my skills which became my bread and butter. My course is way too far from the nature of what I am working now. I was able to understand how my life should be dealt.

And here I am now striving for the people I cared so much. Creating my life worth with the happiness I can give them. I can’t hate him so much for he’s giving me the real life we ought to live. The real pain we ought to feel. He gave me so much and let me learn the wisdom to understand life. He gave me so much that made me strong and overcome those fears. He choose his own path and I can’t blame him for it. We maybe suffered with the path he has chosen but we strongly stood up and strive hard. There are times I wonder on how he looks like and is he happy with his life now. Did he ever regret leaving us? Well, that’s one question that I think will never be answered. I am standing here now choosing the path different from him. I will be fair and honest with my family and never leave them. In any way, I owe them my real worth as a man.

Let me just end this blog by sharing to you the words of wisdom that once said by a stand up comedian on national television. And this will also be my message to my old man. “Kung nasaan ka man ngayon, D’YAN KA NALANG”

He’s not bringing us to the Road to Perdition. Thanks to him. Putang igit mo!

My newest madness,
to dig through things i worked so hard to forget
and tell myself "how terribly you've suffered!"
but yet I'd do them all again.

There are shadows cast,
the skeletal outlines of the people in my past
grace the wall behind the empty hangars
and a set of old drapes.

My best friend is a hottie.  I'm not a lesbian or anything but she is very beautiful and every guy like her.  She is a picky girl and has her mind set on what kind of guy she wants to date from his hair, eyes, teeth, height, etc.  I mean, what kind of girl doesn't have "a certain type"?  She currently is talking to one my friends that I introduced to her last year.  He is the complete opposite of her dream guy.  TOTAL OPPOSITE.  But they have been talking almost everyday on gchat (gchat is the new AOL) and they text throughout the day as well.  She confessed to me on Saturday night that she is attracted to him.  His personality is all there and that she can act like herself around him, BUT there is the physical attraction issue.  It has gotten to the point where she thinks about him all the time, but can't make herself one hundred percent like him due to one negative factor.  My advice to her was that she needed to give the guy a chance.  What if he was the guy and she blew her chance.  Earlier that day while I was at her apartment, she told me that you only live once.  So, I threw that back at her.  I think the reason she is scared of being rejected.  ""How about if he doesn't like me as much as I like him?  What if he rejects me?  What will happen to our friendship if it doesn't work out?"  I told her that this is what life is about-- making choices, taking risks, doing the things that you think aren't capable of. She needs to take a leap of faith.... and know that things happen for a reason and not be scared of the possibilities.  I hope after this weekend, she will realize it.  She deserves someone who will take take her of her and love her.  She has always been the person to take care of the other person, now it is her turn.  Plus, he is a super super nice guy.  Everyone falls in love with him the second they met.  The choices that I am making, I am content with them.  I don't want to be the girl who regrets things because life should not be about regrets.

When my high school boyfriend and I broke up, I thought no one else would love me, that I couldn't love another person like I loved him, but I was wrong.  I was a young teenager who grew up in a small town that smelt of cow manure.  I have dated other people and some relationships have been great, others a disaster.  I am happy that am wasn't stuck in one relationship because I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago.  I try to remember who I was in high school, but its hard.  I only have bits and pieces that are probably in my mind playing hopscotch.  I've finally walked on glass and it feels good to finally proclaim it.

I've been working all the time now.  I work everyday M-F at the law office from 8-5 and the last 2 weeks, Thursday-Tuesday and Thursday- Tuesday at the Redhouse.  This week, I have to work Monday-Thursday.  I am going to die.  I haven't been spending much time with my friends or boyfriend and it has caused a strain on all relationships.  I feel like I'm not close to my girlfriends like I used to be.  They are out doing things all the time, but I am stuck working.  After work, I am exhausted that all I want to do is sleep.  I feel like I am left out of things... stories that they tell and inside jokes.  After this week, I need to tell the manager that I need to go back to only 3 nights a week.  I'm a walking zombie.

This weekend is OU/Texas!!!!!! The whole 512 gang is packing our gear and heading to the big D.  Can't wait!!! I'll have to post pictures up.  I will have dinner with one of my best friends since high school, Lee Hwang.  I can't wait to see her.  We have known each other 8 years now and I'm grateful to still have her in my life.

Ciao!

As I look back on those talks I'm amazed that less than 3 years later, she too would be gone. I wish I had talked to her more.  Sent her cards.  Let her know how much she was loved.  When I loose someone close to me,  I find that I always have regrets.  I'm comforted though, believing that in the next life they know.  Know how sorry I am for letting them down.  Know how much I love them. Know the impact they have had on my life.  Also, I'm reminded to, as John Mayer puts it..."say what ya need to say".   Today I'm sending out a few "I love you" notes and calling some friends I haven't talked to in awhile...today I'm saying what I need to...

Every church conflict is unique in many ways.  The mix of personalities, the history, and especially the specific facts and circumstances cover a huge range of possibilities.  But they all have some things in common as well.  As I "debrief" a church leadership team after having come through a difficult conflict, I am always intrigued by what they learn as a result of that conflict.  Intrigued, but rarely surprised anymore.  Because, generally speaking, I hear variations on the same lessons over and over again.  "What regrets do you have?" I will ask them.  In the instances where we actually came through with success, I almost always hear the same regrets.

Church Leaders' 3 Most Common Regrets from their Conflict:

1.  "I wish we had built stronger relationships."

No surprise here, right?  There is a lot of talk these days about the fact that the church is not a building, it is people.  I agree with that, but I disagree with saying it quite like that.  The church is not just people...it is people living in relationships with each other.  The key is the relationships.  It's one thing to get a bunch of people attending a weekly "show" on Sunday mornings.  But if they are not in relationships with each other, they are no more a church than the theater full of people all attending the same movie.  What makes it a church is the relationships between the people.  And what destroys the church is when the relationships fall apart.  Relationships, then, are the very "fabric" of the church.

When church leaders look back at a season of severe conflict, they almost always realize that much of the attention, emphasis, energy and resources which they put into polished programs, beautiful buildings and synchronized schedules should have been put into teaching/learning/practicing the skills of Biblical interpersonal relationships.  The health of any New Testament church really does boil down to the peoples' relationships with God and their relationships with each other.  Love God and love others.  Sound familiar?

2.  "I wish we had taken more time to build consensus."

I don't know why this is the case.  Maybe it is the democratic, "red states, blue states" culture in which we live, but too many churches have determined through the years that the best way to resolve conflict is to just take a vote and let the majority rule.  As a result of that kind of thinking, peacemakers like me will have work to do in the church until Jesus comes back...because the New Testament church is not a democracy.  We exist to discern together the will of God.  Every decision we make should be a determination of the will of God.  There is never an instance where our "discerning" should stop once we have figured out the will of the majority.  Simply voting on the will of God is a little bit like voting on what time it is...the vote will neither change nor establish the truth.

Churches who simply take a vote on a conflict and then attempt to move forward on a 60% or 70% vote are begging for far deeper trouble to follow.  I once heard Henry Blackaby describe that scenario as perhaps having figured out the will of God but not yet figured out His timing.  Both matter quite a bit.  On controversial issues, when we do not yet have a clear consensus (i.e., enough puzzle pieces in place to leave no doubt as to the entire picture), we do not yet have God's timing.  And if we do not yet have God's timing to move, we should stay right where we are, faithfully doing the last thing we know He told us to do and continuing to pray together about the next thing.

3.  "I wish we, as leaders, had taken more responsibility for the focus of the congregation."

In other words, at some point in the conflict, the leaders turned all their attention to the issues and away from their usual focus on Jesus.  They "secularized" the problem-solving process, handling it all in their own strength, rather than intensifying their prayer efforts and leading the congregation to do the same thing.  A church's focus must always be on Jesus, as the head of the church.  That's really our job, to show people Jesus.  When times are good and the budget is fat and new people are pouring in the doors, we should be showing people Jesus.  When everything is going down the toilet and we can't pay staff salaries and people are leaving in droves, we should show people Jesus. That focus should never change.

But we are like Peter walking on the water (your church walks on water, right?).  As long as everything is rocking along well, we keep our eyes on Jesus.  But as soon as the waves pick up and we feel less steady, we take our eyes off Jesus and start focusing on Roberts Rules of Order or the church constitution and by-laws or the sinful, fleshly side of everyone.  As soon as that happens, focus is officially gone.  At that point, we will get exactly what we're focused on: trouble.

These are the lessons learned by churches who survived conflict.  Maybe you have experienced church conflict yourself and have already learned these same lessons.  If you have not, then ask yourself this question: can you go ahead and learn them now, or will you have to learn them firsthand?

© Blake Coffee

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Please include the following statement on any distributed copy: © Blake Coffee. Website: churchwhisperer.com

]]> http://gtwo.wordpress.com/?p=88 Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:19:34 +0000 gtwo http://gtwo.fr.wordpress.com/2008/10/03/bottle-number-nine/

What could be so special, about a little tot of wine.

I suppose that's a silly question when your on bottle nine !

They come in pretty colours and have names that sound real cool.

And it's so much more fun than studying for school.

So what about tomorrow, who cares if it should come.

Let's down another one !

Tempting and seductive, in it's transparent dress of red.

The glass kisses mistaken, magically turn your head.

Distorted and ambiguous the mind will play it's tricks.

Intoxicated euphoria, wow ! I didn't know I could dance like this.

And then perhaps realisation, that all may not be well,

when you throw up on the sofa and suddenly the floor fell.

"How did that happen, that was absurd !",

talking to yourself amongst the profain words.

Stagger to the bathroom, lay upon the floor,

in this spinning world no-longer a dance floor.

Awaken to the sunrise, or it it a sunset ?

Just in time to finish bottle nine without any regrets ?

Band of Horses -- The Funeral

The last two weeks delivered an avalanche of work, a few happy moments and images that have been burned into my brain forever -- photos available upon request -- and a single, unwavering emotion after attending the funeral of someone I've known for nearly 30 years.

When I say emotion, I don't mean to imply a wild torrent of sadness or loss. My emotion to date remains fixated on a sheer absence of grief. My emotion: Astonishment.

If the mood at Evlyn's rosary last week could be summed up in one word it would probably be "relief." All who gathered to say good bye, all who Evlyn surrounded herself with throughout life in attendance, appeared eerily relieved by her passing.

One liners were exchanged during the mingling about how hard on people she was, how people she crossed paths with in her latter care facility days probably were celebrating her departure. Shoulder shrugs, well-worn phrases and hugs greeted survivors like they'd been plucked from the aftermath of a Stage 5 hurricane.

Clear and continuous articulations of hope that after 87 years of painfully grinding through life and grinding on the nerves of others, hopefully Evlyn would finally find peace. And it all concluded with pained attempts to speak nicely about her during the eulogy. It kind of reminded me of the Livia Soprano wake. Disingenuously squirm-worthy.

For Evlyn:
Unrelenting was cloaked with Hard Worker.
Miserly was masked with Good Money Manager.
A fighter was a black veil for Mean. All euphemisms were delivered without the cathartic end, thankfully, I suppose.

Upon reflection, I think what struck me most was that people miraculously had next to nothing genuinely nice to say about her after 87 years on this earth.

That profoundly affects me to this day. Maybe it always will.

When the eulogy got to its emotional center there was brief, but rich detail on her life prior to the burdens of dashed hopes, fallen dreams and unmet expectations. Buoyant moments and aspirations filled with dancing, playing music with her children, bowling, taking vacations. Enjoying life.

In my 28 years with her, I never got the chance, check that, took the opportunity, to get to know that woman. And that's all on me

We always had a serviceable relationship as step-grandmother/grandson, in that I'd ask how she was doing, she'd say not very good, Mark, I'd nod caringly, exhale sympathetically and then move on to the rest of the family during the holidays. She was pretty good to me in comparison to most in her immediate family, so for that, I'm grateful.

But if I had taken the time to find out about something that would've made her smile or recall a positive experience in her life...I know we both would've been better off. With that realization, I'm on the precipice of positive change.

One thing is for certain. Evlyn's passing is a razor-sharp reminder to me that my words and actions have consequences that reach far beyond my own life and have either built people up or torn them down to the point banking a bad, permanent memory. I never reached the mountain top of pessimism, cynicism or curmudgenism, but I've seen pictures. And it's horrifying.

So my new mantra is:
1. Use my powers of pessimism to think critically about things that demand change or to surface perspectives being overlooked without being too critical of the people I count on as family and friends. Those are sacred communities to be guarded and defended at all costs.

2. Always pursue my childhood dreams...no matter how old I get and...

3. End every snarky hair-parter with a lifeline so we can climb out of the muck together. Life's too freaking short for muck dwelling and excruciatingly long if you're living it without the richness of a compassionate circle of family and friends.

One guy I'm following right now who seems keenly optimistic in the face of trying times and people is Terry Starbucker. Pseudonym? Don't know. Ask him yourself. Regardless, make routine visits when you feel like coming unglued on somebody.

Terry keeps me from ending up on the 11 o'clock news. I think he can do the same for you, too.

Anyway, back to the point: R.I.P Evlyn and I'm sorry I didn't try harder.

I'll drink a glass, maybe a bottle, of this in memory of your happier moments.

And another from the 6-feet-deep mix to get you all to take stock in the people you love that are here and fondly remember those who aren't.

Until next time,

Ev

So here I am, as Um Julian now, without these friends in my life anymore. Guess what? It feels good! No more getting fucked over by the irresponsible. No more being challenged by the egotistical idiots. No more being pursued by the psychotic temporary lesbians. No more! Um Julian and Bu Julian are living their lives happily in their cosy little apartment. (NOT!)

Um Julian still has one more issue to deal with before she can close that chapter and forget about the horrendous times that need to be forgotten. Was Um Julian a poor victim? No, she was stupid to put all of her faith in the undeserving. She wasted her money, her time, her heart and everything else on nothing.

I've forgotten what most of them look like. I've forgotten what the place looked like.

The unclaimed baggage has been thrown in the garbage, where the memories are strewn all over the dumpster like rotten cabbage.

It would be sad if they read this. I know that some of them would be hurt. I know one of them would be very hurt. But it hurts to hear from someone whom you thought was your best friend that you gave them nothing but hell for the duration of the months you were close. Um Julian was depressed (not anymore!) and stressed (still!) and worrying about almost everything (still am).

She was spending money on something that was no longer used by any of the people except as a tissue that they wiped their asses with. They stopped coming, and she didn't need that thing anymore. So why keep it?

If nothing else, when you think about someone from your past and want to contact them, do it.  It is really painful to put it off, and when you decide to do it, you are too late.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.  She is an object of beauty and strength.  I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight.  That is all.   She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.  And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout:

"Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

                                   Anonymous

Dedicated to Mia and Joey Lugassy.

In Memory of Lali Lugassy, née Campos - January 1962 - May 2008

Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands. Isaiah 43:18-19 (MSG)

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How often do you play the “If only” game?

• If only I could do it over again.
• If only I had listened sooner.
• If only I could erase the past.
• If only I could forgive myself.

The thing to remember is that no one is perfect. We all have regrets; we’ve all made bad choices, and said foolish things; we’ve all wasted time, and hurt ourselves and others.

How do you release your regrets? In my experience as a pastor, I’ve seen several strategies we tend to use that simply do not work:

• You try to bury your past. But burying the past will never help you get past your regrets. You can try to minimize (“It wasn’t a big deal”), rationalize (“Everyone does it”), and compromise (lowering standards), but your regrets are still there, and if unresolved, they’ll keep coming back to haunt you over and over again like a creature in a horror movie.

• We blame others. This tactic is as old as Adam and Eve.  When Adam sinned, he took it like a man: he blamed his wife! We use blame to balance out our guilt.

• We beat up on ourselves. We try to pay for our guilt unconsciously through illness, depression, setting ourselves up for failure, and other forms of self-punishment. The problem with beating up on yourself is this: your conscience never knows when to stop! Some people spend their entire lives in self-condemnation.

What does God want you to do with your regrets?

• Admit your guilt. Own up to it. Don’t make excuses. “A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance” (Proverbs 28:13 LB).

• Accept Christ’s forgiveness. He’s waiting to clean your slate. Ask him to clear your conscience. “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1 NIV).

• Forgive yourself and focus on the future. “Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands” (Isaiah 43:18-19 MSG).

Ce n'est plus le cas, aujourd'hui. Par solidarité, parce que leur situation m'exaspère, parce que je trouve indécent que ceux qui se placent aux frontières de la société pour aider ceux qui ne parviennent plus à en faire partie soient aussi maltraités, j'ai été manifester avec les travailleurs sociaux, cet après-midi. Je continue à penser que la cause était juste, mais...

Mais j'ai regardé avec peine les syndicats qui se faisaient la guerre à coup de drapeaux et de position dans le cortège pour être devant, pour faire plus de bruit que les autres. J'ai regardé avec peine les gens qui n'osaient plus chanter les vieilles chansons de resistance, aussitôt reléguées au rang d'antiquité, vénérées, certes, mais sans vie aucune. J'ai regardé avec peine les seuls slogans repris en choeur par la foule, et qui disaient en substance que eux, les éducs, voulaient plus de fric, pour leur gueule, parce que bon. J'ai regardé avec peine, aussi, ce délégué syndical qui sert de chef à ma mère, et qui ne s'était pas mis en grève malgré son dossard FO, histoire de ne pas perdre un jour de salaire, et qui ne comprenait pas pourquoi ma mère, elle l'avait fait quand même. J'ai regardé avec peine le cortège se briser sur les barrages de C.R.S. et se perdre aussitôt dans le métro, redevenant une simple foule, anonyme, comme il se doit, et sans plus d'élan vital que les travailleurs de la DGA, en face de chez moi, à 8h du matin.

Oui, il fut une époque où j'aimais manifester...

So ends another year.

I know I should feel a sense of loss because this one, by far, has been the worst Ramadan I have ever spent. I say ‘spent’ and not ‘had’ because I did not spend it in a way I should have. .. in the way I could have. Times and life is no excuse. It rings hollow even in my own ears…. I can’t use that as an excuse. This year it was one thing; next year it might be something else. The realization that Eid is finally here has made me wake up with a jolt: I have wasted this month with reckless abandon. Trying to find myself, this was a good time for self discovery but again, I gave in to my worldly tensions and did not try to find peace where I should have.

Nothing has set in yet. I can’t feel anything right now. But well, I do feel like saying sorry.

Sorry, Allah. Dearest Dearest. I am sorry. And ashamed. And well… at a loss for words because I’m aware of what a spend thrift of time I have been. About how all Ramadan, all I thought about was what will be the next meal. I know I could have made more of an effort, but well.

So. Er...

I'm not good at this... :( Just that... I hope I get another chance.

And that I make the best of it.

Amen.