Somehow, I walked away from the accident with little more then a bruised elbow and many scars deep inside that have been keeping me up at night and making me afraid of everything around me.

My Husband wasn't so lucky. 

Two days after the accident, we were listening to his Dr's describing his injuries.  Broken legs, shattered shoulder, broken coller bone and ribs, destroyed knee...  He was going into detail about the upcoming surgeries, their possible side effets.  We learned that he'll be hospitalized for 3+ months, first in the trauma hospital he's in and then moved into a Rehab Hospital until he's ready to come home.  My mind started racing, doing math about disability payments and how I could get our bills paid on them.  Thinking about household chores that my Husband always handles and now I'd have to figure out how to manage.  How can we get our house fixed up so that when he is ready, he has a safe place to come home to.  And then it hit me.  After three years of trying, this was yet another set back for us...

Then, something occured to me.  I did the math.  I started couting days in my mind.  I left the hospital and ran to the store.  I came back and holed myself up in the visitors bathroom.  And then, I came out of the bathroom, crying and almost falling to the floor at my Husbands bed...  And finally, after three years of trying and being dragged 1.5 km's underneath a transport truck along the highway, I was able to utter those two words to my Husband.

I'm pregnant.

He's getting a little to damned comfortable in this relationship. Meaning his true form is showing. Its not like it was that much covered but shit I didn't notice before; I'm catching on to. He got one more time to whatever me and I'm going to snap. He contradicts the fuck out of himself. He ask a question then when he gets an answer he didn't/don't want to hear he says whatever like he shouldn't of asked or didn't want to know in the first damned place. I've never been angry at any of my significant others every other damned day. Like I said in my other blog, this relationship is more stress than its worth. Day after day I'm finding less and less things thats keeping me around. I'm just waiting on that last leaf to make its way to the ground. That last straw, that last drop; that last breath. I don't know if I would snap or just leave. Its come down to the point it wouldn't even be a point in me even getting angry or even saying anything when it doesn't mean squat TO him.

He in a minute is gone have his basketball friends, his best friend, his myspace friends, his CS friends and Y! friends but the girlfriend; is going to be gone. She might go back on her promise and not even be his friend. She might go back on her word and leave him. She just damned well might go back on everything she vowed not to do for the sake of her blood pressure.

Its like he think cause he has the title "boyfriend" he gets special treatments and shit. I mean yea the little shit but some shit he just makes me want to release all my anger out and clothesline the shit out of him. He don't realize I can get angry enough to toss his ass. I don't never remember much or know where the strength come from but someone usually gets hurt when I'm that angry. I hate bottling shit up, I hate repeating myself, I hate going through this shit over and over, I'm almost hate caring cause all it looks like to me is him getting a free ride. Well since he like living in filth; he like the way his home looked before I came around. Well thats how its gone be. I'm not gone pick up after him at all. I'm going to let him be on his daily scheduled routine; like I'm not around or something. I'm going to act invisible most of the time. This living arrangement is only temporary.

SOON as I get me a damn job and a damned good one I WILL be looking for me a place ASAP. & No he can't move in or come dirty up my place either. MAN it ain't even about his capabilities of cleaning or the fact his house if I wasn't there wouldn't get/be cleaned. Its the fact he takes advantage of shit.

You know, I'm very random with my blogs, I jump from one topic to another but still is understood ROYALLY. Anyway, this medicine that I'm taking; causes mood swings. But this is NO mood swing. These are bottled feelings that can't but want to escape, want to be heard, want to be seen, want to be acknowledged. But the man that is the main reason to all the madness is so blind, to the fact that he doesn't realize he's blind. He think its easy talking to him, he think its easy discussing shit to him. Everything is one sided cause he got this facade that he has all the answers. I hate that about him. He don't have all the answers. He don't know half of which he speak. When I cook, he has a problem with that. That irks the FUCK out of me when someone tell me what to do in the damned kitchen. I'm not kitchen illiterate. I know my way around. Let me move around that bitch to the best of my abilities. Don't tell me what to put in a pan. Let me do this. You wasn't in the kitchen when I started don't try to be in there when I damned there finished. When I do eat, he has a problem with that. He says I play around with my food; I've never done that a day in my life. He says I never eat. No you aren't around me every single moment. The 3-day weekend he was gone, I ate at least 50-60 times. I kept going back and back and forth to the store and to the fridge. I couldn't stop eating and I haven't taken my medicine yet. So he thinks he knows me, he thinks he knows my habits. When he only knows what he see's. Nothing that happens repeatedly, just that one time and he knows right away I do it all the time. Get that bullshit out of here Ced. We have NOT ONCE sat down and told each other our dreams, or even told where and how we grew up face to face.

Haven't even told you how I got so talented besides looking and shit and being stuck in the house when I was younger. Yea the shit I wrote you but the things you say and do to be is very obvious that you read it with your mind and eyes closed. Maybe you read it but shit you didn't remember half the shit that was said cause you didn't read it. I hate wasting my time thinking I'm going to get through that person only to be let down in the end. I give my all and that isn't enough. I knew I should of just stay with my girlfriend. We was cool man but we grew a part after high-school and shit. I would love to just turn back the tables and not even deal with the things that come with a penis. Some no MOST of y'all men of today that sit and chat with face-less people on the net day in day out is forgetting that it's going to be a day where someone is going to care and be there for you, but y'all just gone push them away cause you let that e-life rub off on you and thats all the hell you know. Half the time the e-life you're living is fake and you just so happened to start believing the shit and start acting it out in real life. Whether its calling females bitches or just not being themselves all together.

Another thing, I've talked to my ex about all the nudity on this computer I'm using; which is my boyfriends. She told me that even if she was a nigga she would have the respect to make that shit disappear. Thats disgusting and rude as fuck to even have that shit right in your face and its also a sign of cheating and worse things to come/happen. Either that person got a problem or he just don't give a damn about you and think them bitches he'll never fuck is more worthwhile than the one thats actually putting up with his bullshit and being there for him. She told me to let him keep e-fucking them face-less bitches miles and miles away. He gone look up and thats all the hell he gone have.

My ex-girl is just as real as me but unlike her when she speak people actually try to better themselves for good. Not for no damn week like my boyfriend but for life.

He is great to be around don't get me wrong there are some good qualities about him. Or I wouldn't be sticking around. I'm a sucker for love but I ain't no damn fool. Its not even about the sex; its pretty obvious I don't need it in my life. I mean I get the occasional horny-ness but who doesn't? Anyway, if it were more good qualities to out-weigh the bad qualities, I would be back in love with him but sadly, I'm out of it. I just love him. I'm not in love with him no more. That flame blew out a yr ago. Its sad its going to be 3 yrs and I know less about him than I did 2 yrs ago. People say if you fall out of love, you were never in love to begin with. People fall out of love like a chronic depressed person stops doing things they loved the most.

Also its like he hiding something. My gut is always right and my heart, every time I think about it; it starts beating fast. So yea he's hiding something and its bad but he says he not hiding anything but I'm rarely paranoid. I'm rarely not on the money. I be right on the money. & If he don't just come out with it, this relationship won't make it to this November and maybe not even that long. My heart is already telling me to throw in the towel on this relationship. Its not anything major that he's doing thats causing me to want to break up. Its the same little shit that keeps getting to me.

I know what I like in a man when it comes to a relationship. Just not with him, I don't know whats keeping me around, I don't know why I'm bothering myself with him. Not only does my heart tells me about the bad but it has a good side too. I think about down the road I guess. I guess that keeps the relationship going. Plus I can just sit and think about certain things he does or say and I just burst out laughing; damned there in tears.

Its very simple in fact; keeping me happy that is. Just make me laugh and do things with me. Its probably my last relationship, I go so much attention from that abomination. I kind of want that back. The attention my boyfriend gives me half the time isn't something I want. Usually I end up bruised and or in a choke hold from him wrestling with my ass. I guess beggars can't be choosers. I'll get the attention anyway I can I guess.

if i had a dollar for all of the times I thought I'd found the right one
i'd be a billionaire
i could probably ride out and go and buy me one
i wouldn't mind a dude
that could take my attitude
and take the time to listen
someone that understands when i need a little space
and when i need attention. All you got to do is come around.

-N-

How to impress women.

So, this is one of the 1^st steps in the whole process and often the most difficult for most guys. The reason it’s so difficult and most guys cant figure out the right way to do it is coz the right method is too obvious. Yes, it is. And most guys never figure that out.

Let me explain. I personally think that many guys feel a very powerful desire to IMPRESS women. If you watch the way a guy behaves when he's talking to a girl he's just met or a woman that he's on a first date with, you can SEE IT. Maybe you've been there yourself. The feeling that you need to impress a woman usually comes along with another feeling: DON'T SCREW THIS UP.

Some of the signs that a guy is feeling the need to "impress" the lady that he's talking to are:

1) He tries to only say "cool" things, or things that will "impress" the lady.

2) He acts nervous during the conversation, sometimes coming across as "formal".

3) He tries to figure out what the woman wants to hear.

4) If he says something that the woman doesn't like, he "back-pedals" and tries to change what he said to suit the woman.

5) He doesn't say anything "risky", doesn't tease the woman, and doesn't do anything to upset her.

...in other words, when a guy is talking to a woman that he "likes", he's usually on his "best behavior”.

So as I said, most men feel the desire to impress the woman they like, and in the process end up totally not being themselves. There’s your first hint. In fact the whole idea is basically this…

STOP TRYING.
TRYING TO IMPRESS A WOMAN DOESN'T IMPRESS HER.

So why is impressing women the wrong road? What's wrong with trying to "impress" women, anyway?

To start with, EVERYTHING.
When you intentionally try to impress a lady, you send the following messages on a "subtle" level:
1) I don't think you'll like me for who I am, so I will try to "impress" you instead.

2) I'm not comfortable enough around women to just act normal.

3) I don't have a lot of experience with attractive women.

4) I'm insecure.

Yeah, it sucks. But it’s the truth. Women can tell instantly when you’re “trying”. The conversation doesn't feel "normal", your body language is strange, and you can't seem to have a regular conversation. Now I’ve just described how most guys act when they meet a girl they like for the 1^st time.

The bottom line is that trying to impress a woman usually has the opposite effect.
It not only makes you look like a nervous guy who can't make normal conversation, it also bores the hell out of women. So stop trying.

So now you must be saying this is how one should not “un-impress” the lady. So what to do instead?

We’ll get to that some other day. ;) . So keep reading…

I am sick of all the people who are content with failure. I am disgusted with how the spark in my life has died and no matter what I do I can't bring it back. I hate the past. It reminds me of everything I no longer have. I despise the fact that I have friends with whom I no longer speak. I hate how I spend most of my time indoors and I rarely get to see a sunrise or sunset. I loathe being surrounded my metal and concrete.

I am tired of the struggle that leads me where I do not want to go. I am filled with contempt when I see what life could be for me, and is for others, and then realize that I am always one step behind being ahead of the curve. I feel like I could die when I think of all my creative talents wasting away because I am a slave to a system that forces me to ignore these gifts in exchange for staying alive and not falling through the cracks.

I want to find people who have unbridled desire and reckless abandon. I want to meet the ones that live in squalor in order to give their souls some peace. I have to learn from those that can turn their back on the materialistic world we live in and choose to make something meaningful out of their lives. I want to meet more people who aren't afraid to hug in public, cry in front of me and tell everyone they care about how much they love them.

I know there are people out there that spend more time developing their brains, hearts, souls than they do their muscles, bank accounts, portfolios.

I know there are people out there that have an honest belief in themselves and in the goodness of other people.

I just wish I could meet them.

Congressman Says Feds Trying to Cheat Indian Casinos

Add that to the rapidity with which the issue was addressed, by the famously slow-moving BIA, and Cole began to smell something rotten.

Representative Tom Cole has accused the federal government of trying to alter the rules regarding Indian casinos in a particularly sneaky manner, a ploy which could leave Cole's home state and the tribes that live there short over $1 billion and without thousands of jobs.

Cole,a Chickasaw and the only Congressman in the country listed on a tribal enrollment, said the National Indian Gaming Council, under the auspices of the Bureau of Indian Affairs, has tried to usher in a change in what constitutes a Class II, or bingo, machine, without allowing discussion or debate through a backdoor method.

A supposed complaint by a tiny Alaskan tribe, the Metlakatla, brought up the issue of one-touch machines, which have previously been bingo-classed but play more like Class III slot machines in speed and style. However, the leader of the Metlakatla says he doesn't know where the complaint came from.

Add that to the rapidity with which the issue was addressed, by the famously slow-moving BIA, and Cole began to smell something rotten. He directly accused the agency of deliberately obfuscating the issue to disguise its power move, one beyond its legal authority.

Cole stated, '"In my opinion this entire process is a serious breach of trust by the government and demonstrates disregard for the rights of Native Americans."

NIGC Chairman Phil Hogen denied any wrongdoing or attempt at concealment, but in the same breath cried for the courts to update the law concerning more and more sophisticated bingo gambling devices.

Published on August 11, 2008 by A.J. Maldonado